Libido out of control, please help (F)

[cherryrain]

Looking for advice to deal with my libido which is getting progressively out-of-control. Here are the facts:

- I'm 17

- I'm a girl

- It's hard to be productive because these "waves" of horniness often engulf me AT LEAST ONCE PER DAY and make it difficult to think or act

- During these waves I either watch a lot of porn or sink into vivdly detailed daydreams about sexual fantasies

- I find myself more unsatisfied after masturbation than before, so I don't like doing it all that much. Plus I think my clit might be bruised from how muh I've abused it

- Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend so as to have a sexual partner is not an option for three reasons: 1) I am not romantically interested in anyone nor have I ever been, 2) I don't trust anyone anyway, and 3) I'm quite unattractive so it's not like there was ever a big pool of willing partners

- (I also have a moral opposition to dating someone solely for sex, I think it's cruel to take advantage of their feelings like that)

- Hiring the services of a sex worker is also not an option because I am a minor, but even after I turn 18 a few months from now, I wouldn't be able to afford it as I am not financially independent

So... what do I do? My libido is progressively becoming more disruptive to my life. I try my best to distract myself by getting busy with homework and chores, but find myself just unable to focus for more than a few minutes at a time. (Maybe ADD plays into that too.)

Is there a way to chemically alter my libido by changing my diet or taking meds perhaps?

[Sam W]

Hi cherryrain,

Before we jump into the rest of your question, I think it's important to note that what you're describing doesn't sound like an out of control libido (especially given your age). Getting intensely horny once a day happens to plenty of people, and generally speaking most people will have stretches of time when they get aroused every day and some stretches where it happens very little or not at all.

That being said, it sounds like this is stressing you out, so it's worth talking about ways to address those feelings. To start, can you say a little more about why masturbation doesn't seem to help with this? What parts of it are unsatisfying? And when you notice this arousal, have you tried acknowledging it's there but not acting on it, rather than immediately trying to distract yourself from it?

[cherryrain]

> When you notice this arousal, have you tried acknowledging it's there but not acting on it, rather than immediately trying to distract yourself from it?

- Distracting myself from it: homework or chores, cannot focus for more than a few minutes at a time (included in original post)

- Acknowledging it without acting on it: vividly detailed daydreams about sexual fantasies (included in original post)

> Can you say why masturbation doesn't seem to help with this? What parts of it are unsatisfying?

With masturbation, I have three options:

- Stimulation via penetration i.e. using a dildo: not ideal because my hand gets easily tired and cramped pushing and pulling it in and out, which is something I need to do for 15-30 minutes if I were to achieve orgasm. The effort it takes to orgasm this way far outstrips the relief an orgasm brings.

- Stimulating the clit: not ideal because it takes 1-2 minutes to achieve a dry orgasm, after which my clit becomes oversensitive and I can't touch it for half an hour or more. However, since it was just a dry orgasm, I often become horny again a few minutes later but due to oversensitivity it's too uncomfortable to touch myself again.

- Other erogenous zones like nipples: too sensitive that touching them feels uncomfortable instead of stimulating.

- Penetration + clit in combination: just results in an even faster dry orgasm with a longer period of oversensitivity, the worst of all.

[Urna]

Hello cherryrain!

I understand that distracting yourself from the libido spike doesn't really work. Do the extremely detailed fantasies stress you out as well, maybe because they eat up large chunks of your day that you'd rather be using for something else? Are they ever simply enjoyable? Also, have you considered doing things like reading erotic fiction, or erotic fanfiction (if you're into any fandoms) during these spikes? It helps to have things to channel horniness into.

As for your list of masturbation options: my first question is whether you use any sort of lube. I noticed that you used the phrase "dry orgasm", which is honestly a very common kind of orgasm for people with vaginas. Have you ejaculated during orgasm in the past, or "squirted"? Was that more pleasurable for you? If yes, then what was different about those masturbation sessions? Here's an article that I think might give you more ideas as to how to masturbate, although that is not the only way to deal with libido spikes, for sure. I'm also quoting from another article that we have on here to highlight some more options for people with vaginas:-

"With fingers, rubbing, pinching, massaging, or tapping the external genitals (such as the clitoris or labia) and/or inside the internal genitals, such as the vagina or rectum
With general stimulus to the whole genital area, such as by squeezing thighs together rhythmically, by “humping” a pillow, or by sitting or leaning on a vibrating object, such as a washing machine
With objects or items for vibration, such as by applying a water source (like a shower or water jet), vibrator, or massager to the clitoris or vulva as a whole
With objects for vaginal or anal entry (and usually with lubricant), such as dildos or other safe and similar objects"

Have you tried vibrators, btw? If your being under age or something else is preventing you from sourcing one, take a look at this article on DIY sex toys.

Let us know if any of that helped!

[cherryrain]

> You used the phrase "dry orgasm". Have you ejaculated during orgasm in the past? Was that more pleasurable for you? If yes, then what was different about those masturbation sessions?

Yes, dry orgasm means I didn't ejaculate. And yes, I have ejaculated or had a 'wet orgasm' before - that's when I painstakingly keep at masturbating with a (lightly vibrating) dildo for 15-30 mins which is not ideal for the reasons I stated in my previous post.

> Do the extremely detailed fantasies stress you out as well, maybe because they eat up large chunks of your day that you'd rather be using for something else?

Yep. They're a complete waste of time and I refuse to live the rest of my life tending to my body's sexual needs when I could be doing literally anything else.

> Are they ever simply enjoyable?

See above.

> Have you considered doing things like reading erotic fiction, or erotic fanfiction (if you're into any fandoms) during these spikes?

I love reading and writing fanfic! I've even written smut before. But the thing is, those have nothing whatsoever to do with my own sexual urges. I read and write fanfic because I love exploring romance in media I consume, and so I treat the sex as part of the romantic dynamic between two (or more) characters for me to explore in a literary sense. I get no stimulation at all from any kind of erotica for the same reason - I get very easily invested in characters and end up reading it for them.

Tangentially, I also have this issue where I only get stimulated by porn if the actors are complete strangers to me and the video is solely focused on the mechanical act of sex. If there are even small things like dialogue or any humanizing information about the people having sex at all, I am unable to get aroused by them. It's like my brain shifts to put them in the "People & Characters" box and anyone in there has zero sexual appeal to me.

[Urna]

Yes, dry orgasm means I didn't ejaculate. And yes, I have ejaculated or had a 'wet orgasm' before - that's when I painstakingly keep at masturbating with a (lightly vibrating) dildo for 15-30 mins which is not ideal for the reasons I stated in my previous post.

Gotcha. I think investing in a vibrator that you don't have to physically manipulate would eliminate hand cramps. You could also try different positions, say, riding a dildo. Sound workable?

Yep. They're a complete waste of time and I refuse to live the rest of my life tending to my body's sexual needs when I could be doing literally anything else.

Firstly, libido is highly variable. It's unlikely that your libido will be as intense as it is now when you get older. It also varies with regard to the stress levels you're experiencing. So this isn't your forever. Additionally, I'm picking up on a distaste towards sex and your body's sexual needs. You highlighted this also in your relationship with erotic fiction and porn: you said you can't enjoy fictional sex if there's any "humanizing information" available about the characters, which implies that sex, in your view, is entirely mechanical, and maybe even dehumanizing? Would you like to talk about this?

[cherryrain]

> I'm picking up on a distaste towards sex and your body's sexual needs. You highlighted this also in your relationship with erotic fiction and porn: you said you can't enjoy fictional sex if there's any "humanizing information" available about the characters, which implies that sex, in your view, is entirely mechanical, and maybe even dehumanizing? Would you like to talk about this?

I don't think sex is entirely mechanical or dehumanizing when I'm exploring it in a literary sense, like reading, writing, and analyzing erotica or as part of romance stories. I think it can be emotional and multifaceted and interesting. I just have no desire to personally participate in it other than using sexual acts to get rid of arousal or get my libido to "shut up," so to speak. It's like a child that I need to pacify so it doesn't bother me.

> It's unlikely that your libido will be as intense as it is now when you get older. So this isn't your forever.

I know, and that's a relief. Being a teenager sucks :/

> It also varies with regard to the stress levels you're experiencing.

Does it increase with more stress? If so, then that's unfortunate because it'll have to go into the garbage bin of full of symptoms I deal with which I've been told "increase with stress" yet for me they never decrease even though my life is pretty easy. The only hard thing in my life are said symptoms, which seem to reinforce each other.

EDIT: forgot to address this bit

> I think investing in a vibrator that you don't have to physically manipulate would eliminate hand cramps. You could also try different positions, say, riding a dildo. Sound workable?

Riding was never an option as I have pretty bad lower back pain. However, it would be ideal to get a stronger and bigger vibrator than the one I have so I'll see what I can do about that.

[Elise]

Hi cherryrain,

Building on what you said and boosterseat mentioned, are you able to tell me a bit more about why you view your libido as something that you don't want and want to "shut up"? You mention finding it interesting and multi layered in fictions but don't want this for yourself, are you able to expand on that at all? It is okay if not, but it might be worth unpacking this a bit, with us here and/or with a therapist. How would you feel talking about this a bit more? You mention having other symptoms that are compounding each other and stress?

Yes, for some people stress can increase arousal as the body seeks a form of stress relief. But that doesn't mean that feeling aroused needs to be relegated to "in the bin", or that you will consistently respond this way forever more.

In terms of more comfortable toy options, maybe applying some indirect vibrations via a pillow/around rather than directly on the clit might help with the sensitivity too?

[cherryrain]

> Can you tell me a bit more about why you view your libido as something that you don't want and want to "shut up"? You mention finding it interesting and multi layered in fictions but don't want this for yourself, are you able to expand on that at all?

That was a bad phrasing. I think I could explain it better as an analogy. Me personally engaging in sexual activities (as opposed to non-sexual literary interest in media containing sex, please remember that distinction) is a bit like brushing my teeth. It's not an activity I particularly enjoy, but I understand that it's necessary to maintain a healthy body. If I don't do it at all for a while, cavities could form (or in the case of ignoring my libido, it just gets worse and more persistent).

> that doesn't mean that feeling aroused needs to be relegated to "in the bin"

Another bad phrasing. By "putting it in the bin", I mean adding it to the list of symptoms I have and tolerate and deal with since they are a constant fixture in my life.

[Elise]

Thanks for explaining that cherryrain, sometimes it can be useful to reflect on the way we talk about ourselves and what that might say about how we're feeling about ourselves or the situation we're in. Sounds like you're finding this quite frustrating that you have to attend to horniness that you experience. I'm sorry also to hear that you're dealing with some chronic health issues, that must be really wearing to deal with, do you get much support (emotionally and/or practically) from family or friends?

Also, asexuality been something that you've reflected on or felt resonated with you before? We have an overview on asexuality here: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer. This may or may not resonate with you, or perhaps you might not be sure, any of these outcomes can be a useful starting point for some self-reflection, it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on this if you're comfortable sharing them.

[cherryrain]

> Has asexuality been something that you've reflected on or felt resonated with you before?

Thanks for your concern, Elise. I have actually identified as aroace since I was 13 ^_^

Though I am aware of course that there is a possibility for this to change later in life, so I'm trying to keep an open mind. There are still many things I've yet to try (like romantic relationships or sex), but I'm not completely repulsed by these things like some ace/aro/aroace people are so who knows what could happen as I grow older?

[Elise]

You're right that our sexual identities can change over time, and you're also totally valid in your own experiences on the aro and ace spectrums, not all people who identify this way are sex repulsed, and there is no one way to be on the ace spectrum.

If you're finding your hornier times sometimes distressing, stressful or something that you'd rather not engage with, have you tried some other distractions besides homework or chores? Sometimes you can find something that your brain finds it easier to redirect to than other things. For me, that is narrative based things and conversation, so I usually throw on a podcast, or an episode of something if I need a distraction. Having an alternate physical exertion can sometimes help too, like going for a walk or run or other activity you like with the headphones in. Exercise also assists with completing the stress cycle. Or it could be a project or hobby that you like that really draws your attention. Does this give you any ideas of things that might work for you?