How do I know my sexuality if my religion permits premarital relationships?

[browngirl]

I’m Muslim. In Islam, we are forbidden from having premarital relations, including sex, but also touching, hugging, and the like. I recently came out as bi, which made sense to me at the time and makes sense even now, but on some days I also wonder if I could be a lesbian or even on the asexual spectrum? I recently went through the lesbian master doc, and a big point was on comp het, and I related to a lot of the bullet points relating to it. I find myself crushing on nearly every guy I become friends with, confusing platonic feelings for a guy for something romantic. Recently, I’ve only really been attracted to fictional men or unattainable men, which is another big sign on the doc. These also correlate to what I’ve seen on asexuality, and some days, I don’t really know if my attraction to women is purely aesthetic, especially since I am just so confused on what attraction means, what it feels like, and whether or not I’ve actually felt it. I think I could be attracted to men in the future, and I don’t want to rule it out just because I haven’t met anyone right now. The only thing is, how am I supposed to know about ANY of this if I can’t even have a relationship until marriage. How do I know if it’s comp hey or actual attraction until I try something? But I also want to stay true to my culture and religion which are very important to me, and if I’m caught in a relationship, it wouldn’t be great for my family. I just—have no clue?? Pls help

[Elise]

Hi there browngirl,
It sounds like you've been doing some really in depth self-reflection and research about sexuality to better understand yourself, which is a really great. It is also completely normal to be unsure about our sexuality, feel that it can be changeable or in flux, and to not have all the answers right now. Also, having had sex is not a pre-requisite for "knowing" who you are attracted to, we can reflect on who we feel attracted to without having engaged in sex with them.

It can feel really frustrating to not have all the answers right now, particularly when its about our own selves, but it is a really normal experience. You might find these article about that useful, once you've had a read of the below, let us know what you think of them if you feel comfortable sharing your observations.

• The Answers (for Now) (these are some really great first hand accounts from people who have gone through periods of questioning their own sexuality)
• Q is for Questioning

It can also help to take a step back from all the theory, so you have some time to observe your own self, and the attractions you feel, and the types of folks you find yourself fantasizing about, if at all. Knowledge is really important, however sometimes we need to have space to reflect, process it and consider what rings true to us and how we feel. Does that make sense?

Also, as faith communities who follow the same faith can be different, is your community open to same sex relationships and marriage, or would they and/or your parents consider it haram?

[browngirl]

Hi! This helps a lot! I actually put your advice into practice and just observed my attraction while going on walks throughout the weekend, and it helped me understand that I should just let myself be. The first article was also helpful; the first interview about the person who thought they may be asexual but really hadn’t meet the right person gave me a lot of peace.

In regards to my religious community, a lot of my Muslim peers and mentors actually believe that there is not thing haram about being LGBTQ, and there is nothing in Islam that says otherwise, only misinterpretations of the Quran from conservative translators. However, I’m not out to my parents yet because I don’t think my mom agrees with this mindset, and she’s already very set on the specifics of whom I may marry. Details like culture, religion, and social class matter so much to her that I can’t really fathom throwing gender into the mix. Since I think I still like guys, I’m also worried that if I come out to her, I wouldn’t be able to be with women and non-binary folk anyways.

[Urna]

Hello browngirl!

I'm so glad to hear that Elise's advice helped you out, and that the articles brought you some peace. As someone raised in a Hindu family, I totally understand your wariness regarding coming out to your mom, especially your point about adding divergent gender preferences to the cocktail of preferences that parents already have set out for their kids' future partners. I really, really hope that as you grow older and slowly come into yourself as an adult (even though Western notions of adulthood and independence have pretty much zero relevance in brown families, which operate with different notions of what it means to be an adult), things slowly fall into place re love and sexuality, and you can live in a way that's true to yourself. It won't be easy, but one can hope.

Do you have access to queer Muslim communities, whether around you or online? If not, I could send you some resources. I think it would help loads to talk to both queer peers and queer elders from your community, especially diaspora (I guessed you're diaspora, since your username has "brown" and your location is the U.S., please correct me if that's not the case) folks, about how they reconcile their conservative families and upbringing with their gender and sexuality. Let me know if that sounds like something you want to do, and if there's anything else you want to talk about.

[browngirl]

It would be so great if you could send those resources <3

[Urna]

Sure thing. The Queer Muslim Project on Instagram has a number of wonderful resources, and you can find community here among the people whose testimonials are featured, as well as other queer Muslim youth who follow the page. Here's PFLAG'S Faith Resources for Queer Muslims, where you will find links to a number of movements, projects, and collectives that match at least some of your needs. And be sure to take a look at the LGBTQI Resources offered by Muslims for Progressive Values, they have a bunch of lectures and other information resources, plus links to other resource organizations for queer Muslims.

Let me know if you want more resources, or something more specific.

[Urna]

Also, about the Am I A Lesbian masterdoc: while it's a landmark resource for many WLWs, it doesn't hurt to reiterate that it was made by a teenager. A very intelligent and articulate teenager, but still a teenager. The document has no academic or professional legitimacy, and it has been charged, most prominently by bisexual people, with the erasure of bisexual experiences of attraction to men, not to mention how it doesn't discuss aro-ace realities and how being on the aro-ace spectrum can complicate matters.

The notion of comphet is also broader than what the masterdoc makes it out to be. It's actually a theory of patriarchy by the feminist philosopher Adrienne Rich, who sets it out in this very easy-to-read paper: Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence. Compulsory heterosexuality is a system with economic, historical, and political dimensions; it isn't just about women's experiences of male-focused attraction. While it's a very important concept, it's been problematized by other queer thinkers, precisely because it may be read as erasing bisexual experiences of attraction to men (although I don't always agree with that criticism--like I said, Rich was proposing a theory of patriarchy, not a theory of attraction), and also because Adrienne Rich had near-TERFy politics. These queer thinkers suggest replacing the concept with terms like institutionalized heteronormativity, which don't run the risk of erasing bisexuality and designating lesbianism as the only "unproblematic" sexuality (although that's an uncharitable reading of Rich's work on comphet, the impact of the concept has been such). Here at Scarleteen, we obviously don't condone viewing sexuality as necessarily a political statement, because you don't have control over your sexuality!

All this to say: take the masterdoc and its predictions of lesbianism with a bucketful of salt, and feel free to read up on comphet, if you haven't already!