I'm torn about which gender I want to date...

[Hel]

Hi, so I'm genderfluid and pansexual. I'm also single (having a 'hot girl summer' and working on myself, but also interested in trying to date again) since school is going to start up again soon, I either want to a.) date around or b.) have a serious relationship.

And when it comes down to it, I guess I would say that I don't necessarily care about the gender in the long term. I have had crushes on girls and guys. And I am open to dating nonbinary people too if I think their personality is good with mine. Also, if someone changed their gender, I would date them.

But I have a weird train of thought. I have had crushes on (2-3) girls in the past but it was more in a romantic way. I can still picture myself having sex with a girl... but it's not the norm for me - I usually fantasize about having sex with a guy. Like, I really like the idea of having a girlfriend because biologically speaking I think a girl would understand me better and I could relate more to her as well. (Not trying to generalize - this is just based on what I've noticed in the differences of empathy for each biological sex.) But I ALSO want (more so, I think, then a girlfriend) to have a boyfriend (because I like a flat chest to snuggle on, a d*ck to enjoy, and generally, I am more attracted to a lower voice and the idea of a boyfriend). Gah, it's so confusing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, until I find a guy who I can be in a serious relationship, I kinda want to date girls but not have anything serious with them? Does that still mean I'm pansexual? Does that make me a selfish, horrible person? Like, obviously girls aren't just an experiment to me. But sex is important to me and I don't think lesbian sex fulfills my needs. And also just... guys. <3 Guys are cute and sweet and loving and I've always found sooo many guys attractive.

And then there's the part about me being genderfluid. How hard would it be to find a (attractive) pansexual guy who wants to have sex, have meaningful conversations, is empathetic, and really likes me for me? I don't think it's 'high standards'... but I acknowledge that a lot of guys my age aren't exactly comfortable with dating a genderfluid girl.

So to sum it up, I feel weird about wanting to date girls but not in a serious way, while simultaneously feeling like I want a serious boyfriend who is comfortable with my queerness and will fulfill my (sexual and romantic) needs. Any advice? I feel so confused and alone.

[Urna]

Hello Hel!

Many bi and pan people feel different sorts of attraction for different people. It's possible that you're attracted to women romantically but not sexually (or at least not as sexually into them as you are into men), while you're attracted to men both romantically and sexually. And that's not horrible or selfish, so you're good as long as the girl you're casually dating is on the same page as you regarding your expectations out of the arrangement.

As for finding serious boyfriends who are comfortable with queerness: I'm sorry that you're feeling so confused and alone about this, and I'm guessing that your frustration comes from there being a negligible amount of candidates who meet these criteria in your life right now. This is most definitely not a case of having high standards, you're right. High school isn't exactly the most diversity-friendly, liberal space (or time, sadly) for queer folks and their allies. I think that as you grow older, inhabit more diverse spaces, and meet different kinds of people, you'll have more luck in this department. Does that help, at all?

Like, I really like the idea of having a girlfriend because biologically speaking I think a girl would understand me better and I could relate more to her as well. (Not trying to generalize - this is just based on what I've noticed in the differences of empathy for each biological sex.)

Quick side note with regard to this thing you said: I understood this to mean that that you think girls are usually more empathetic than guys are, but I wanted to point out that this is not because of a biological difference, it's because of patriarchal gender socialization. Traditionally, in many cultures across the world, most girls are taught to display greater empathy, while most boys are usually trained to show less. Sex is also a whole different kettle of fish: it's not binary, just as gender isn't binary. This article explains this topic much better: Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer.

[Hel]

Thanks for the reply - it really made me less conflicted/confused.

Your points about being bi/pan in a high school situation really helped me out. I agree, as long as the girls I date know it's casual, then it should be fine. It's just hard because I've actually never been on a casual date before, so I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe you can recommend an article on that, or give some pointers? Thanks so much.

I do hope to find more diverse people (like my dream partner; anatomically male, pansexual, empathetic etc.) and I have been told by many people that I may have to wait until after high school for people to be more diverse and open to queerness. It's just frustrating because I don't want to have to wait to have these kinds of experiences. I'm not the most patient either and though I honestly have been focussing on myself a ton right now, I'm kind of bored of being single, lol.

What you said about the empathy thing for women (society and patriarchy) was good for me to read - I was confused about it before but now it makes more sense. The article about gender roles is good too.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

This is a really good article on casual relationships that might you out: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex.

It may very well be that you'll find more people open to queerness on you're out of high school, similar to how you'll find more people to date or be friends with once you're out of high school because the pool of people you're exposed to gets larger. But you can still seek out more queer spaces now, like GSAs or LGBT centers or clubs.