scared of detransition + my views on gender

[Lyle Lanley]

okay. so for starters i am a genderqueer trans guy since last year or so, and ever since my puberty ended i have identified as nonbinary or transmasc with any label.
but lately, i am feeling oddly feminine, and i don't like it; i'm scared that one day the feminine feeling will take over me completely and i'll detransition, or that i've been a cis girl all along.

but i'm pretty sure i'm a trans guy. hell, i've even got a short haircut since my parents finally allowed me last year, bought a binder and even stopped wearing makeup for a while due to my necessity to pass (now i wear it occasionally, it makes me feel meh cos i know people will then see me as a girl)
plus when/if my binder fails to bind much due to me being plus sized and my breasts being large too, i get upset about my chest showing too much (even in pics)
and i try to be stealth online with new ppl who don't know i'm trans, trying not to mention my AGAB but at certain points even lying and saying i am a cis guy.
on top of all this, as a kid everytime i would cosplay or rp as a male character, i felt this sort of undescribed happiness (i used to put my youtube username and profile pic as male cartoon characters such as wakko warner when i still thought i was a cis girl, just to see people in comment sections assuming i was a boy like the characters)

and i've had dysphoria. loads of it. problem is, it fluctuates. and it's not the first time i feel feminine. it happened last year and other times too.
but i don't like the idea of being seen as a girl. i'm very scared of detransitioning, i've seen people who used to identify as trans guys be cis girls again, and i don't want that to be me. i don't want it to be just a phase

plus, i think gender is just an invention, a social construct: a set of characteristics, roles and expectations given to people just cos of the body parts they have. i can easily live without a gender (yet i like masculine looks and pronouns)

i think this is it and sorry if i said too much

[Sam W]

Hi mcjupiter,

This sounds like such a stressful tangle of feelings, so let's see if we can do something to tackle it. One thing I want to say right up front is that while destransitioning can and does happen, it's overall very uncommon. Too, one thing we're learning from research on those experiences is that quite a few people who detranistion do so to survive in the face of transphobic environments, rather than because they realized they weren't the gender they transitioned to after all.

Are you up for saying a little more about those instances where you feel feminine? What do they usually involve, either as the external thing causing them or as the internal experience?

[Mo]

Hi there mcjupiter,

In case this is helpful at all, I wanted to share a little bit of my own personal experience with being a nonbinary trans man while also having an affinity for femininity/femme identity in many ways. For me, none of these feelings ever made me want to detransition, or made me feel like I was confused about my gender. In fact, it wasn't until people were reliably reading me as a guy that I felt really comfortable and free exploring this facet of myself. For example, when people were reading me as a girl, I was extremely uncomfortable with makeup, but as a dude with a full beard I really love it.

What you say about not really needing a gender but liking the presentation & pronouns people associate with men really resonated with me! I don't always find my gender easy to explain, but I feel more comfortable with people assuming I'm a man than assuming I'm a woman. If I get to know someone on a personal level, then we can discuss a more nuanced picture of who I am.

From what you've said here, it sounds like you feel pretty solidly that you are trans, that you aren't a woman, and I think that's a good part of your own feelings to listen to. Feeling feminine sometimes doesn't mean you're secretly a woman after all; there are plenty of people in the larger transmasc spectrum who feel an affinity with femininity at times. The ways in which people express that femininity can vary a lot, so it won't always look the same, but there are definitely a number of people out there who have similar feelings.

[Lyle Lanley]

to sam w's question, it's just me feeling more on the feminine side of gender sometimes. and it makes me feel uneasy and scared.
scared cos i don't want people to see me as a "girl". it's not as much about presentation, as it's how i feel. being a femme transmasc is just not for me (i was willingly more feminine last year, and was forced to be when i was still younger). my objective is to pass someday and knowing i'm not even close to it is sickening to me.
and having this feminine part rise inside of me is almost like an intruder. it's almost like i'm seeing myself as a girl again, someone from inside me saying "you are a girl, not a boy. you will use she/her pronouns and be comfortable with it" when i don't want to be a girl. i don't want to be seen as one. people see me as a girl and i hate it.
and i have sometimes considered going by she/her too but that would annihilate all the battles i made with myself and others to even come at this point. i am a guy.

and when i see people who have experimented with gender and then turned out to just be cis girls. it scares me too. i'm scared i'll be a cis girl in the future. i can't see myself as one in the future.

sorry again i think this is it

[Sam W]

Thank you for those details, they're really helpful.

From everything you're saying, I think it is incredibly, and I mean INCREDIBLY unlikely that you would be a cis girl in the future. You say you can't see yourself as one, you don't want to be one, you hate being seen as one, and even when you mention those "feminine" feelings rising up, you say they're an intruder. All of that points to you actually having a really, really strong sense of your gender, including a strong sense that a cis woman just isn't who you are.

I wonder, given how strong the feelings indicating you're trans are, why it feels like that intrusive, feminine voice is telling the truth. You mention struggles with passing; does it feel like the voice kind of latches onto those as "proof?" And how supportive are the people in your life of your transition and gender identity?

[Lyle Lanley]

update on this!!

i am nonbinary transmasculine, and despite internalised transphobia and those intrusive thoughts, i am trying to accept more my feminine side.
i do makeup and sometimes wear a bit more fem clothes, but not in a cis girl way. cos what i don't want to be, is a cis girl. and i am not that.

[Sam W]

Hi Mcjupiter,

Thank you for the update, and I'm so glad that you've found an identity that feels right to you!