orgasming alone/ with a partner

[latte]

hello,

i am an 18 yo female who recently has become very sexually active with a partner. up until now i have masturbated alone and learned to successfully orgasm in doing this, but as mentioned in past board posts I only really masturbate to porn and have continued to do so. now, my partner and i really both want to experience orgasming with one another -- and while he has, i have not and struggle to. its not to say i dont feel pleasure - i do. I just havent been able to reach that level so that i can climax. i am worried that the fact that i watch porn is damaging my ability to orgasm with another person - especially if im not exactly sure what i want when im receiving from someone else. i respond better to sound but obviously when im receiving oral from my partner there's not much to go by. he is very patient and really likes pleasuring me - i just feel bad sometimes because it takes so much time and i still havent orgasmed! on my own, i have tried masturbating to other ways from porn and have only been successful twice when i listened to audio erotica. i feel really discouraged and really want to orgasm while with my partner - any advice on how i can relax my thoughts?

[Heather]

Hi again, latte.

You know, I feel like what we might want to do is to first start by talking about your concerns about pornography and your sexual life, since you have brought this up a few times now. How would you feel about us talking about that first?

If that sounds okay to you, can you tell me some more about these concerns and how you have explored them to date? For instance, you say you're worried that engaging with porn is getting in the way of orgasm with a partner: have you taken some time away from porn to see if you find any difference?

Can you say some more about why you think porn is a factor here?

Too, assuming that you don't have any value conflicts with the porn you have been engaging with, and that you would like to keep having it be in your sexual life, how do you feel about the prospect of bringing it into your sexual life with your partner and seeing if having porn be part of the sex you're having changes anything for you for the better?

[latte]

hi, thanks for responding! yeah, when i watch porn and masturbate i watch do "rougher" content, mainly just for noise. i dont think about real life sex like that at all - nor do i want my experience to be like that. i have done a pretty good job in keeping what i watch and what i think/want very separate. while i've come to the clear conclusion that i don't want that when being with other people, i do worry that the lack of noise and simply "what im used to" will prevent me from truly climaxing.

i think ive caught myself in a vicious cycle in which when im with my partner im really worried im not going to orgasm because of my masturbation tendencies with porn and noise and the way ive only been successful when using those methods. this worry i think then blocks myself from orgasming, it not mattering if it is true or not.

i have tried to taking sometime away and its been partly successful-but barely. I tried audio erotica out like i said, and it is nice but sometimes i get impatient and nervous and just return to porn.

i know for a fact that i would prefer not to include porn in my partner and my time together. we are both very new to this and are experimenting but definitely tentative!

[Amanda B]

Hi latte,

We can definitely get into sexual habits, but we can also break away from these habits with some time. It sounds like starting with using audio erotica was successful, which is a great first step to what it sounds like your goal is, climaxing with your partner without porn. I am also noticing the importance of sound for you during sexual activity. When you say sound or noise, I'm assuming you mean the noises the participants are making in the porn you're watching. Do you think it's these particular sounds that turn you on, or do you think it's the lack of any sound when having partnered sex that turns you off?

If it's the former, would you and your partner be open to trying to be more vocal during sex? If it's the latter, perhaps a playlist or other white noise in the background could help. A combination of these suggestions may help as well, depending your and your partner's comfort level with everything.