Questions about arousal

[iLilli]

So, as someone who missed a lot of the early traditional introductions to the concepts of sex and sexuality in general, there’s a lot that I’ve had to figure out through context and extrapolating from the way other people talk about things. For the most part it’s worked well enough, but I’m at a point where I feel like I need to clarify some things, specifically in regards to the concept of “arousal”.

Arousal, in a sexual context, is a term that seems to be used interchangeably with several other words to describe a wide variety of distinct feelings, urges, and phenomena. As someone who likes to be able to express precisely what I mean, that level of ambiguity tends to be frustrating for me, and I’d like to have some way to communicate these more specific ideas.

For a start, I think it might be helpful to essentially list just some of the various ways that I’ve seen or heard “arousal” defined or used to mean:

• A conscious, deliberate desire for sexual stimulation
• A psychological, but not necessarily conscious, desire for sexual stimulation
• A physiological urge to seek out sexual stimulation
• A denotation of the magnitude/progress of ongoing sexual stimulation
• A (potentially uncomfortable) physiological state that disappears after achieving sexual release
• A mental state or tendency towards thoughts about sex or of a sexual nature, without any inherent drive to seek out direct sexual stimulation
• A state (mental or physiological) brought about by sexual thoughts, images, ideas, or other similar indirect stimuli, which creates an urge to seek out additional sexual stimulation, direct or indirect.
• A tendency to seek out or focus on images, thoughts, or other indirect sexual stimuli, whether on a short or long-term basis.

Some of these definitions are more commonly associated with various terms that are generally used as synonyms for arousal, such as "horny" or "turned on".
Which of these various definitions is most universally applicable to the term "arousal"? What would be effective ways to express the others? Are any of these definitions fundamentally flawed to the point where what they're describing isn't an extant phenomenon, or are there more accurate terms for those that can't be accurately categorized as "arousal"?

[KierC]

Hey iLilli,

You’re right that there’s a lot of confusing talk out there around sexual terminology, especially with desire vs. arousal. Sometimes I’ve seen the whole sexual response cycle get scrambled up! I think people sometimes use these words colloquially, and not accurately. It can end up being really confusing!

It sounds here like you’re at some times combining the different stages of sexual response as “arousal.” Arousal is the state of sexual stimulation that sends messages to your brain to make changes in your body that ready you for sex: getting lubricated, blood rushing, and more! In the traditional Masters & Johnson sexual response cycle, sexual desire precedes arousal.

This resource on the sexual response cycle may help a lot too, it outlines and defines the different parts of the sexual response cycle, including desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. You can read it here if you’re interested! Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User’s Guide

How does all of that sound?

(EDIT: If it would help, too, to go through the bullet points you provided and explain those definitions, we are happy to do so!)

[iLilli]

Yeah, after re-reading that article, I can definitely see that there was a lot of overlap between arousal and desire in those definitions. With that in mind, I think sexual desire as a concept is a lot closer to what I’m trying to wrap my head around - although I get the impression that it’s even more subjective than concepts surrounding sex and sexuality usually are. It seems that it’s essentially defined as “anything that makes you want to have sex or experience sexual stimulation”, which is an extremely broad definition.

[KierC]

Hi iLilli,

Ah, I hear you — sexual desire is highly individualized and context-driven, so it can definitely be hard to think about it as one tangible experience or “thing,” if that makes sense. Thankfully, though, we have this article that goes through All Things Sexual Desire, including a straight-up definition as well as examples of how people experience desire.

How To Understand, Identify, and Make Choices About Desire

Does going through those definitions and examples help a bit? Too, did more questions pop up after reading? We’re here to help!

[iLilli]

Well, after both reading and thinking about it for a while, it’s starting to make some sense how my ADHD impulsivity likely makes sexual desire something that I don’t feel as “in control of” as I would like. I suppose the fact that I mostly experience sexual desire towards fantasies or ideas rather than other people is lucky for me, all things considered. Not to say that I can’t control myself, of course, but I’m no stranger to heading to the bathroom to masturbate even when I don’t particularly WANT to, just because a random thought or memory popped into my head and demanded my attention.