I don’t feel anything during sexual activity

[garfieldbybb]

My parents are super religious, so sex ed is out of the question. Everything l've learned about sex has been through my own trial and error, albeit not much trial has happened.

I'm 18f and I can't really "get off." Before my ex and I broke up, he would try and finger me, but I wouldn't feel anything or get aroused, so we would stop. It was both of our first times doing anything sexual, so I don't blame either of us. It could be that we were both inexperienced with religious parents, so neither of us knew what we were doing. But when I try to masturbate, I find that I don't feel aroused either.

I'm pretty confident that l'm not asexual because I do have 'wet dreams' and wake up feeling aroused, but whenever I try on my own, nothing happens.

I bought a vibrator wand, and it feels good when I use it against my clit, but I can't really stick it inside me without it hurting.
The pleasure feels good on my clit, but it only lasts for a couple of seconds before I feel frustrated that nothing else happens.
Any tips on what I'm doing wrong? Sorry if this is confusing-I'm still learning!

[KierC]

Hi Garfieldbybb, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear that sex ed is out of the question in your household, but I’m really glad you’ve found us to ask questions.

I hear you that you haven’t felt arousal, and when you use a vibrator you end up feeling frustrated when the feeling doesn’t escalate after a few seconds. Can you tell me a little more about what mindset you’re in when you go to masturbate, and what thoughts and feelings are coming up when you feel frustrated with the vibrator?

On the vibrator hurting: Some vibrator wands are not meant to be inserted and are meant for external stimulation, so that may explain why it hurts to try and insert it. However, if you do want to try insertion at any point, it’s really important to make sure that what you use is either meant for vaginal insertion or is generally safe for insertion, and that you are aroused, relaxed, and well-lubricated before inserting anything.

On orgasm: Arousal and orgasm have a lot to do with the mind-body connection, where it can be really hard to feel good while masturbating if you’re not already relaxed, aroused, and overall in a good headspace for sexual exploration. Sometimes it can be really helpful to take time before you masturbate to “set the stage” physically and mentally. Physically, by making sure you’re hydrated, lubricated, and in a comfortable and safe space; and mentally by making sure you’re approaching this with an open and excited mind. Freeing yourself from the expectation of how an orgasm happens or what it’s “supposed” to feel like, can also go a long way to helping you experience pleasure and become orgasmic.

We have a lot of readings on this too that might be helpful. Here’s a couple that focus on pleasure, masturbation, and orgasm. If you look through these articles, whichever ones you find helpful, and have more questions, we can definitely go through them!

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User’s Guide — An article on the process of arousal and orgasm

Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation — An introduction to masturbation, including how some folks masturbate

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body — Includes a deeper explanation of the mind-body connection to sexual response

On a separate note, if you’d like to talk more about growing up in a religious household and not having access to in-person sex ed, we have plenty of folks on the team who are passionate about this subject and would be happy to speak with you about your feelings there — me included!