Really like this girl and want to be with her but can NOT come out.

[_m3nac33]

Hi, this is my first post and needing advice on how I should go about this…
So I (F16) am pansexual and recently, in mid-May, a girl in my class put a note in my bookbag saying she liked me with her number at the bottom. I liked her back, so we started texting that night and getting to know each other. While we were talking to each other basically every day, she started asking me to be her gf in the near future and while I want that too — I can’t. My family is very homophobic; talking bad about the LGBTQ+ community any chance they can get, always using the F slur, calling transgender ppl “transvestites” and misgendering them badly father has beaten up his younger brother when he came out as a teen (not 100% sure if it was in his teens, but my dad was grown), while my mom hasn’t been violent like that she has unfriended someone in HS and started treating her indifferently just because she came out, etc. In early June, I told her I would not be able to be her gf publicly right now because of my family, and she was obviously hurt, but she understood and didn’t blame me for it (which I think she should). I apologized to her multiple times, and we agreed to continue to talk to each other and just be friends for now, as we still like each other, but I'm not in a place to be myself and I don't want to include her in that or put her in harms way now, we don’t text every day any more like now it’s every 1–2 days, and we talk for maybe 2 hours (which is understandable as we’re now friends), but should we just stop being friends?, I come out so we can be together but be at risk of being kicked out or family constantly saying homophobic things to or about me? Or stay friends for now until I’m financially able to move away and cut them (my family) off so we can be together?

[Sam W]

Hi m3nac33,

This is such a hard situation to be in, and I feel for you (and for her). One of the many, many awful things about homophobia is that it creates situations where queer people can't explore relationships in the way straight people take for granted, and it can mean passing up on a relationship that makes you happy in order to keep yourself safe. It's not a fair position to be in, and in a just world you wouldn't be in it in the first place.

Given everything you're saying about your family, it sounds like coming out just isn't a safe option for you right now, and that your family would like become verbally or emotionally abusive if you did, or potentially kick you out or maybe physically harm you (your father being willing to physically harm his own brother for coming out makes me unwilling to give him any benefit of the doubt about how he'd react to you doing the same). I do want to check, are your devices--phone, tablet, computer, etc--things your parents are likely to monitor?

Now, whether or not you want to remain friends with your friend/potential girlfriend is really up to the two of you to work out. If the friendship is something that you both value and enjoy, and it's a net positive for you rather than a constant state of wishing it could be a romantic relationship, then it might make sense of continue. But if it turns out that staying friends is just too bittersweet, then it might make the most sense to end that relationship, too. Does that make sense?

[_m3nac33]

Thanks for responding! And no my devices aren’t something my family monitors and I understand what you mean between a net positive friendship and a bittersweet one — I don’t know how she feels about our friendship other than the fact she said she “won’t force anything” but since we agreed to stay friends we’ve treated each other as such and I wouldn’t feel really sad/mad if she were to explore romantic connections with other girls as of right now when we talk it’s mostly me giving her advice, talking about clothes, hair, etc. all in ways that you would have a conversation with someone who is wearing the same outfit you have on, in the store.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, for the time being, continuing the friendship feels doable and desirable for you, in which case I say go for it!

How are you handling being in a very openly homophobic home more generally? Do you feel like you have supports, or people who know about identity and affirm it? Or are you pretty isolated?

[_m3nac33]

When they make homophobic comments I just stay silent or remove myself from them. I’m out to her, one of my friends, and a girl I talk to in school(my friend and I are both queer so and the first person I came out and we’re there for each other a lot but that’s about it) I can’t really come out anymore than that as I live in a very conservative town where word gets around quick.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you have at least a few people who you can be out to <3. It makes a lot of sense that you'd want to be cautious in that if you're in a town that's not super accepting along with a family that's homophobic.

You're doing a lot of what I recommend for queer youth stuck in hostile homes. I do want to give you these two pieces of ours, in case the advice in them can offer some additional help: I'm closeted and my sister is homophobic -- is there a way to save our relationship?, This Isn’t Going to Be Your Forever

Too, if it would be helpful, we can talk about some of the ways those articles suggest taking care of yourself, and/or about how to make plans for getting away from your family and to a safe place when you have the ability to.