Nothing seems to work when I try to masturbate

[Merv]

I'm 21 years old and have never been even close to orgasm.

I didn't have interest in or a comfortable place to try touching myself on purpose till I was 19. I've read quite a lot about masturbation, I know where my clit is, I tried using my fingers in different ways, rubbing on my pillow, using the stream of water from the shower - and yet, nothing seems to work. What I mean by this is that I don't feel any different, the vulva doesn't really feel sensitive, tapping/touching the clit is lowkey uncomfortably ticklish, and inserting fingers into the vaginal opening doesn't make me feel any certain way (if anything, putting two fingers instead of one in is lowkey painful). I've also touched other places of my body, especially the erogenous zones, but it doesn't really turn me on/make me more sensitive/make a difference. I feel the same no matter where I touch and for how long, and at some point I just want to pee. Teasing the vulva through underwear with my nail(s) or the tip of a pen feels kind of good, but nothing too extreme. When I'm sitting in a bathtub and putting my fingers between my labia (even just to clean myself), I feel a kind of sharp pain in the upper part of the vulva, though I don't know why. Usually I'm not too wet; the wettest I've ever been was about a year ago, on the day before getting a period, when I was lying in bed the whole day and fantasized with my eyes closed. Unfortunately, when I realized how wet I was and tried to act on it, I soon became drier.

I've had one intimate relationship, but he was even more in the dark than I've been, and we never had oral or penetrative sex.

It may be important that, when I was around 14 years old, I stopped having my period. At first, I was taking medicine from a gynecologist, which kind of forced my periods, but I learned what a problem was from an endocrinologist who told me to have some tests: the issue was an adenoma in my brain making it to produce too much prolactin (as in, the norm is a maximum of 300 or 500 units - I don't remember exactly, unfortunately - and I had over 3000). I've been taking a medicine for getting rid of the adenoma for years now, and my periods have been fairly regular, and prolactin is in the norm, but I'm still taking the medicine (the amount of prolactin started to go back up after the amount of medicine was reduced, so it came back to me taking two pills a day, and I'm sure that even if the doctor will tell me to slowly reduce it again when I meet her in December, it'll take one or two years before I won't have to take it at all). As far as I know, high prolactin may result in lower libido, and the medicine I take may result in a higher libido, so it's hard for me to define what my "regular" libido even is.

I know that being stressed and having a goal in mind can create a mental blockage, but it's hard to not think about wanting to orgasm or just feeling better when the whole process doesn't feel too pleasurable. I guess maybe a part of the problem is me feeling rather unattractive and therefore subconsciously not "worthy" of feeling good this way (and even if I actually find myself pretty on a certain day, not feeling any difference during touching myself makes me feel bad), but dunno. It's also hard for me to imagine a scenario in my head and touch myself at the same time (especially because I'm pretty close to aphantasia, aka I don't have a vivid visual imagination), so I try listening to audios, but I guess they feel too artificial to me.

[KierC]

Hey there Merv, and welcome to the boards!

First, I want to say I know how frustrating it can be to experience difficulties with reaching orgasm, or even feeling pleasure while masturbating. You’ve pinpointed some really important details here, and I have some thoughts about a few things you said.

It sounds like you know about how adenomas (specifically prolactinomas) affect various parts of the body, including menstruation and libido. You’re absolutely right that prolactinomas can cause sexual side effects, and that the medicines taken for this can sometimes result in an increased libido. Too, if your prolactin levels went down, then up again, and then down again, I could see how that can end up making you feel out of sorts. Prolactin is known for its sexual effects, but prolactin’s other job is to help you regulate stress in your body, so it can kind of wonk things up in more ways than one.

With regard to the stress you’re feeling about this and the journey you’ve been on with the adenoma, have you considered some form of professional counseling, so you have a space to have ongoing professional care with this? It sounds like your endocrinologist is on top of things with your prolactin levels, but I want to make sure you’re getting whole body care, too, particularly because the stress seems to be making it difficult to experience pleasure.

I also hear you that this whole thing can make it hard to understand what your “baseline” libido is. To be honest, there’s so many factors that can impact libido that I think it’s rare for anyone to have a “baseline” libido unaffected by the other things going on in their body and life. A “normal” libido will fluctuate based on how you’re feeling, how your body is doing, what’s going on in your environment, etc. I think the best thing we can do, as in the kindest thing we can do, is to understand that it will fluctuate, and to give yourself the extra time and care (and perhaps space) when your libido is lower.

It does sound, though, like one thing that has felt kind of good for you is touching lightly through underwear. Do you feel like you could continue with that when you want to, while trying to incorporate some visual or audio media, so you can engage with fantasy rather than the actual process of reaching orgasm? I know that, as you said, it’s hard to just immediately ditch all expectations, but I think it’s worth slowly trying to lead your mind to more pleasurable thoughts while exploring sexual activity of any kind. I also hear you about the aphantasia, and that audio feels a bit artificial. Have you tried to read any media that you find pleasurable, or is there any form of media you enjoy more than audio?

Last but not least, I also want to ask about what you said at the end: that you feel unattractive and therefore unworthy of pleasure. Everybody is worthy of pleasure. By virtue of *having* a body, you deserve for your body to feel good, and what your body looks like should not preclude you from seeking pleasure and connection. I know, though, that’s hard to shake off when you feel it. Do you want to talk a little more about it, or why you feel unattractive and unworthy of pleasure?

[Merv]

Hi, thank you for your time!

I didn't really think about a professional counseling in this specific matter (though I thought about meeting with a psychologist in general). I don't see it in the near future for money reasons, but it may change.

I've tried different types of media. My first contact with them was probably sex scenes in books, and later reading rp of saphic sex as a teenager (I remember I was the most interested in the foreplay parts and getting bored later), but started to read more erotic media as I became an adult. When I feel horny, I tend to read comics, especially of characters I know, like and ship together (or original comics with smut scenes that happen after I get at least a little emotionally involved with the characters). Some of my friends mock me a little bit for it (to be clear, I simply don't talk too much about it with them, instead talking with other friends who have similar preferences), but I prefer the drawn medium to the actual porn of real people (the first one has the advantage of escapism, pretty visuals and being emotionally connected to the characters, while regular porn usually feels too goofy, staged, boring or aimed at a specific group of viewers who I'm clearly not a part of). As for stricte reading (like books), reading smut doesn't do much for me (as in, it doesn't really get me aroused, even if the scenes are well-written). I've noticed, though, that even if I enjoy something, after seeing it a few more times it doesn't do much for me. AI roleplays can work quite well, since there is this balance between me controlling the situation (which is especially good because I don't really vibe with most erotic media I find) and a little of getting surprised.

I guess I could try casually touching myself through my underwear for a longer time and see if it works. I just wonder if there is something I do wrong, because some people do it with such ease, and here am I, educating myself on the topic and not really getting anywhere. I think about buying lube, too. In general, it feels like my body isn't responding to my mind, and it creates pent up frustration.

As for the "unworthy" thing, I guess it is mainly the fact that while there are some aspects of my body I like, most of them I don't. And it's hard to focus on the ones I like because there aren't too many of them, or they are stuff like hair, so there's no way I can play with them. I've been working on my self-worth, finding style, and losing weight, but it's still a long way to go. Plus, to some degree, I'm subconsciously comparing myself to friends and acquaintances who I find prettier, in a better shape, or being desired by more people. I know, of course, it's not something I should do, but it's hard to stop these thoughts. Also, for most of my life the idea of me having sex was pretty abstract to me, and my fantasies were involving solely characters I liked together. I feel like I've started imagining scenarios with me in them when I was eighteen.

And I don't know if it's important, but I don't really find genitals (no matter the gender) pretty/attractive/sexy. They look rather ugly or funny to me.

[KierC]

Hi Merv,

It sounds like you have some media to explore, especially the comics! I’m sorry to hear that your friends mocked you for this — for what it’s worth, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with reading comics when you’re horny. Heck, comics are really cool, and you’re not alone in finding the drawn out form more enjoyable than live porn. The animated form gives so many opportunities for fantasy in imagining what’s possible both sexually and aesthetically, and I think it’s a really great way to think about sexuality with joy and wonder. I agree with you that the escapism and pretty visuals make anime a particularly good form of media for this purpose, and I think if you really enjoy it, that may be the way to go forward. Roleplay, too, sounds like a good way to help find yourself in a headspace for pleasure. Exploring comics that you enjoy, and you’re right, incorporating lube, may be two good additions to what you’re already doing.

For what it’s worth, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re taking good steps, too: seeking out information, trying new techniques, and trying to give yourself grace in the process. People tend to talk about their sexual successes more than sexual difficulties, and in reality there are plenty of folks who find that exploring masturbation and pleasure is a bit more trial-and-error than a straightforward process.

Thank you for providing more details about the “unworthy” thing — this is really helpful to know, and I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with body image, too. Exploring new styles can certainly help, and I do have some more suggestions, but I want to steer you away from the idea that losing weight will change how you feel about your body. I think, since you’re exploring media that makes you feel good, maybe it would be helpful to explore comics and media where a character looks like you or reminds you of yourself how you like to be seen. I wanted to ask, too, have you considered making your own comics about yourself? Envisioning what it would look like for you to feel confident in your self by physically drawing it out could help a bit. Does that sound like something you’d like to do?

Last but not least, can you say a little more about how you view genitals? I hear you that they look ugly and funny — does looking at genitals, or thinking about them, make you feel anything in your body, or bring up any emotions?

[KierC]

Oops, a double reply! I forgot to mention that, depending on your location, low-cost or sliding scale therapy may be available to you, and we can talk with you a bit about how to find it if you’d like.

[Merv]

Hi and thanks again!

That’s why if I talk about stuff like this with friends, I usually talk with the ones who have similar preferences and experiences. Thankfully, I have friends to talk about it in an open and realistic way and I’m not feeling judged (+ these friends who have different preferences either never masturbate and just have sex with their partners, or have penises, so talking with them about it isn’t very helpful anyway).

I understand that changing my body won’t solve anything without changing my mindset, of course. Way too many girls way slimmer than me complain about how they weigh too much (they definitely don’t) to not understand that. I guess I hope for getting smaller because it’s easier to find clothes looking good at such sizes (I know that clothes should fit people, not the other way around, but it’s easier said than done and I’ve seen way too many clothes I found cute/nice that didn’t look as flattering on the bigger silhouette as they did on the smaller one) + some health reasons (I’m overweight). It’s also funny how I like my thighs being massaged (it relaxes me) but I really dislike their shape.

I definitely cannot draw, so it wouldn’t work, but I once made some self-nude photos and, thankfully, I still think they turned out rather good lol. I also get where you’re coming from with finding sexual media with people having similar body types to me, it definitely felt nice to find a manhwa about sexual endeavors of three women with different body types, including a chubby character treated equally with the other two and always portrayed as cute (+ later turning out to be bi/pan and getting together with the hot and smart female character lol). It takes some time to find material like this, but it’s refreshing to see people of different body types (including similar to mine) portrayed as attractive, especially without fetishizing them or making their body shape the center of attention, so I’ll try to find some more.

Where I live, there’s free universal healthcare, but queues to specialists are pretty long, so it’s faster to do it in a private sector. For now I’m planning to meet a psychologist at my university and then think about a more specialized help (+ saving some money for it), but thank you.

When it comes to genitals, I guess while I have no problem in finding different body parts pretty, the genitals (again, regardless of gender) are an exception and don’t look too appealing to me. I’m not sure why, I guess it’s because how, hm, “wrinkly” they are, and have a pretty different color and texture than the rest of the body. Like, I can appreciate them in a “it’s so nice this person trusts me enough to show me all of themselves” way, but not in a sexy way.

I guess I can only try different things, but I hope I’ll find a reason why the spots that are supposed to be sensitive aren’t as sensitive as I wish they were or are only slightly ticklish. I envy people whose nipples or clit are so sensitive and touching them gives them easily a lot of pleasure (I once didn’t realize my ex-partner had my breast in his mouth until I looked down). I find the concept of different activities hot, but then try to touch myself in such a way and not feel much different no matter how long I do that.

[Sam W]

Hi Merv,

I'm glad to hear you have a plan for trying to get some mental healthcare! Using your university resources is a smart move.

I think continuing to seek out media where you see your body type reflected back at you as desirable or awesome or even just normal and okay is a good idea as well. It can be a really useful counterpoint to the messages we get about how if someone doesn't fit into a very narrow set of sizes. It can also help to notice if there are people who you are attracted to or think are good-looking who share physical traits with you that you tend to be harder on yourself about (I once broke myself out a bad body image time because I looked at a particular actress, who I happen to think is gorgeous, and went "hey wait, she looks the exact same way in that outfit I do"). It may also be worth it to check out the work of writers like Marianne Kirby and Elle Chase, who write about navigating things like appearance, confidence, and sex as fat women.

You know, with genitals, how you're describing them makes a lot of sense. I'd say most of us can think of parts of the human body that arouse a neutral or even an amused reaction in us (I often think of ears as being an example of this, at least for me).