Bf of 4yrs tells me about questionable arousal

[phoenix1120]

Me and my bf have been together almost 4 yrs and ik he’s going to propose soon. Last night we were having a deep conversation. My bf likes when his butt is played with or penetration and I don’t find it weird bc that’s where their g-spot is but last night he told me he had sent nudes (before we were dating) to two guys. And that he would do it with another guy if I wanted him to but that he dosent find other guys attractive. He just find the act attractive. And likes watching gay porn or like two guys one girl. I’m just not sure what to think about it all. Ik he is attracted to me and likes having sex with me but the nudes thing really threw me off. What do you guys think?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, phoenix.

So, what I am hearing is that your boyfriend has told you that he is also attracted to men. That's not about the anal play he likes, to be clear: men who like anal play come in every orientation, just like men who don't do. Men likeing anal sex doesn't tell us anything about their sexual orientation.

However, a man telling you that he enjoys sending nudes to other men is telling you that he has some sexual interest in men, as well as in you. I don't know how your boyfriend identifies his sexual orientation: is that something you two have ever talked about?

I hear you saying that you have feelings about what he shared with you. Can you say more about what those are? It sounds like they are causing you some kind of concern. Can you tell us more about what that concern is? I don't know what you mean by calling what arouses him questionable.

[phoenix1120]

Hey so he identifies as straight but also comes from a family that wouldn’t be accepting if he was gay. He told me he isn’t attracted to men but would still want to do anal with one. And what I mean by questioning his arousal is that if I’m just not understanding him saying he isn’t attracted to men but would do it with them.

[Andy]

Hi there,
I hear you being confused about how he is probably attracted to men when it comes to sex but not when it comes to relationships. The thing is, there are MANY ways in which people can experience attraction and many combinations of them. One way to categorize attraction is to separate sexual, romantic and aesthetic attraction among others. IThis quote from our article may give you some context

There can be, and often are, varying degrees of those ways of feeling attraction and/or experiences of those ways being more separate than unified: for instance, a person may feel what they know as strong physical sexual desires to men, but feel more emotionally attraction to women. Or, someone may find that romantic attraction for them, to anyone, usually plays a bigger part than sexual attraction.

Of course, what those words mean -- sexual, romantic, and affectional -- also isn't going to be the same for all people, as not everyone experiences or conceptualizes those things the same way. The same goes for attraction.

Simply put, one can be attracted to people of one gender in some ways and situations and to a completely different gender in other. Just like one might like tomatoes in the form of ketchup and not like them in their salad. And it seems like you partner might be attracted to men sexually but not romantically.

Does that help?

I also wanted to share this advice column that was written for a user with similar experience: I'm a guy interested in receptive anal sex: does that mean I'm gay?

[Heather]

I do want to say something here.

Wanting to do sexual things with people of a certain gender *is* generally being attracted to people of that gender. Sending nudes to get the sexual attention or approval of people of a certain gender, or simply liking to share those because it's sexually exciting to do so also is about sexual attraction. Saying he'd be sexual with men but only if you wanted to also doesn't scream "not attracted." It may be that he doesn't understand that, or even less likely, but what sounds much more likely is that he's afraid to say he experiences attraction to men because he's afraid of how you or anyone else may react.

I certainly get why you're feeling confused, now, by the way that he's talking. But my best guess is that your boyfriend is some variant of bisexual, but he's afraid to claim that and maybe even afraid if he says to you he's also attracted to men, that you won't accept him or that that might put your relationship at risk.

So, I think maybe the next best thing for us to do here is to talk about how you would feel about if your boyfriend were bisexual and/or queer? Because I think the next thing up is a talk about this where you talk about how it sounds like he is also attracted to men, but before having that conversation, you're going to want to sort out how you yourself feel about that. If that's something that worries you in some way, we're certainly happy to talk through that with you.