I don’t feel good about myself.

[Angelz]

Hello.

I’m a 13 male and I just started dressing like a girl since I find it cute, but I feel really weird. While I do it, I feel good about it, but after it, I feel ashamed of myself and sad. Is this normal ?
Is this normal ?

[KierC]

Hi Angelz

It is totally normal to want to dress however you’d like and however makes you feel good. I’m glad to hear that you’re exploring! It’s also normal to have some mixed feelings when trying something new, and when reflecting after about how you feel. When you say you feel weird, is that in the moment when you’re wearing the clothes, or is that afterwards when you feel sad and ashamed too? And when you feel sad and ashamed afterwards, do you have a sense of what might be making you feel sad?

[Angelz]

Hello Kier.

First of all, thank you for your answer.
Soo, it’s afterwards that I don’t feel well and I feel like it might be related to that. It’s weird because while I do it I feel good but then after I feel bad about it.

[KierC]

Hi Angelz,

Do you mean under the weather, or bad like guilty, or something else; or why you feel bad? It would help us understand where this is coming from if you can be more specific.

[Angelz]

I feel guilty because I don’t want to directly be a girl, which I kinda feel like I am when I wear girl clothes, but I still kinda do it while some nights because I find it cute… Like I feel ashamed and guilty of doing that after I did it. Sorry if I don’t make a lot of sense… The worst thing would be that my parents learned about it, which makes me feel even more guilty.

[KierC]

Ohh, I hear you on this! This does make sense. So, one thing I want to mention here is that there’s some crappy messages from society that say that certain clothes are for certain genders, and I think sometimes that can make folks feel a bit boxed in when they choose what to wear. This is related to gender roles that have been constructed, which you can learn about in this article here: Genderpalooza! A Sex and Gender Primer. This article might be helpful too as we discuss, just so we are working off the same definitions of sex and gender. There’s also some helpful ideas in there about gender roles that I think might resonate with you, especially the fact that you’re not alone in feeling this way as you experiment with how you dress and present.

So, to answer your question: yes, it is normal and understandable to have a few different and conflicting feelings while exploring new ways to dress that you enjoy. You’re taking into account how dressing this way makes you feel (which is the most important, by the way) but it also sounds like you’re worried about what others might think, including your parents. I can understand why that would feel overwhelming, and I want you to know we’re here for you however you’d like to talk through how you’re feeling.

I want you to know, though, that you can wear clothes that folks describe as “girl clothes” and still identify however you truly feel. By the same token, if you enjoy wearing girl clothes and also want to identify as a girl, that is good too. You are allowed to move through this world in a way that feels authentic to you. <3 If an example helps, I have some friends who identify as male and wear makeup, heels, skirts, items that might “traditionally” be viewed as “female,” and it’s a way that makes them feel affirmed and good in their bodies when they walk through the world. I’m also wondering how it might feel for you to explore ways of dressing that make you feel good without tying a gender label to it. So, calling it “skirts,” “dresses,” or anything you enjoy wearing, instead of “girl clothes.” On the other hand, though, if calling the clothes “girl clothes” makes you feel good, then that’s totally good and okay! I just want you to know that you don’t have to be boxed in by the expectations of others, especially as you’re learning and exploring.

I also wonder if it might be helpful for you to talk a bit about how you feel while dressing this way. You say that you kinda feel like a girl when you wear the clothes — does feeling like a girl make you feel good, bad, or something different?

[Angelz]

Well, I’m not sure. It makes me feel a little bit good and aroused, but at the same time weird. And yeah, you’re right, I’m kind of scared of what others might think since my self esteem isn’t the best. Also thank you, it really feels good opening up about this to someone

[KierC]

It’s okay if you’re not totally sure about how it makes you feel right now. It’s also okay to have some conflicting feeling about it. It sounds like you’re exploring how this feels, and it’s normal to take some time to figure out exactly all of how you feel while trying something new. It’s also okay if you feel one way about this right now, and differently another day.

I’m wondering if it might be helpful to take this in smaller steps. I see that we sent the Gender Journaling article a few topics back. Did you get a chance to try that? If so, how did it go? I ask because it might be a useful activity to do some gender journaling while wearing the clothes, it may give some ideas on what wearing the clothes means to you, where you’d like to wear the clothes, and more.

[Angelz]

I didn’t try it yet but I’ll try it. I’ll keep you updated on that, in a week or so…Well, thank you for the help!