Broke up with girlfriend of 1.5 years on good terms, why do I feel so sad?

[Mediapd]

Hey everyone, yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years. I had a lot of built of resentment throughout our relationship, she is such an amazing woman and very beautiful it just didn’t feel right and I felt like I was stagnant in my life and couldn’t progress anymore. I’m going off to college in the fall, she will be in high school still. We were planning on doing long distance but obviously things didn’t work out. I felt like hanging out with her was almost a chore and was distracting me from things I wanted to do, however, at the same time. I miss the companionship we once had and there were so many good times and good conversations we had, I truly felt like she had my back and she loved me. She went on vacation last week and I was with my friends at the lake the entire week, and I felt like it was truly the first time past the honeymoon phase I felt 100% myself, relaxed, and happy. The problem is I miss her so much, we called today and talked about things but I don’t know if this was the right decision. It’s hard to end on peaceful terms and go off in two different directions, even if I want the best for her. What should I do? I miss my best friend

[Heather]

Hey, Mediapd. It's nice to see you here again, but I'm so sorry that you feeling the way you are is why.

I will say that given your previous posts and what you're saying here, it certainly sounds like a breakup was the right thing to do for yourself. You already know that I had some concerns about this relationship and how you were feeling in it. I am glad that to at least some degree, you're feeling better.

Generally, it's pretty important that we give each other some space after a breakup when it's possible. That gives each person time3 to feel all their feelings and grieve, and also start to have some separation so you can even be able to start to figure out -- in time -- what other kind of relationship, if any, might be next for you. Perhaps you two can be platonic friends in the future, but for now, you really are going to need to let yourself have that separation and start to feel it. And by all means, even when a breakup is the rightest thing for all involved, even when both people want it, it's still a loss and a change, so yeah, if we were attached, it is generally going to hurt. That's okay, and part of how we process a breakup and move forward in time is by letting ourselves feel those things instead of trying to avoid or fix those feelings.

How might you feel about suggesting you two take at least a couple of weeks of time apart and then check in after that to see if you both want (or don't) to talk more and potentially see about building a new kind of relationship where you're platonic friends?

[Mediapd]

That was the plan, I guess it’s just hard because I never expected to miss her as a person that much. Really don’t feel like I can find someone who loved me as much as she did

[Mediapd]

Part of me just knows that it could have worked if we communicated better. I really just want to know what’s going on in her life like always, I’m so proud of her and I’m her biggest fan so it’s hard for me to just let go of that

[amber]

Hi Mediapd!

I wanted to jump in and reiterate how common theses feelings you are having are. Like Heather said, it makes sense to feel upset at the loss of a relationship. From what I understand you are already in a major period of change, going off to school, and it would make sense for all these changes to compound and cause stress. This article on breakups may be helpful in recognizing how common your feelings are and how to get through Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking .

I also wanna go back to your initial post where you said you felt the relationship was holding you back and stalling progress. Have you thought that now could be a perfect time to work on yourself and what that 'progress' could look like? I am interested if it could be beneficial for you to focus on the positive aspects of these major changes happening in your life. Still, it will take time to stop feeling what you are feeling and that is ok.

[Mediapd]

I think my #1 thing is I want to change and I want her to change and I want us to grow as people and grow to be more mature and secure and still be waiting for each other. But I know that’s so unrealistic.

[Mediapd]

I think also like I didn’t even really want to break up with her even when I was generally unhappy. I don’t know why. This is genuinely the first time I’ve felt genuinely torn in my life and it’s driving me insane

[Heather]

It's not unrealistic for both of you to grow and change. In fact, it's pretty inevitable. What's not realistic is the idea you will be waiting for each other and do that. In fact, if you were, it would most likely keep you from growing and changing.

Having a whirlwind of feelings, including conflicted ones, after a breakup is most often just how breakups go, like I said, even when they're for the best. Both from your previous posts about this relationship and this one, it seems to me you had some very good reasons for breaking up and that that was probably a better choice than trying to stay together.

Might you reunite in this kind of relationship later in life? Who knows. But to process your breakup now, you really have to just be in your feelings and in the moment, not thinking about the future.

Have you ever gone through a grief process before, or is this a first time for you?

[Mediapd]

First time. I was young when I lost my grandparents and didn’t feel much when I lost my childhood dog. We ended up talking and settled on the fact we need to take a break from talking to each other and settle things out. We drafted our relationship’s problems into three main reasons.
#1: lack of communication, I wanted space and never told her because I was worried about her reaction, which would have been fine most likely, I made it seem so much harder in my head. I also just didn’t tell her stuff when I needed to; and she didn’t communicate her feelings until I asked multiple times. These things were actually getting better and honestly pretty good by the time we broke up besides me not communicating I needed space
#2: Being codependent. I don’t think it’s normal for people to be texting every single second of the day, and that’s a trap we both fell into. My day being good started depending on whether she was doing okay, and when we hung out we lacked quality time because we already knew everything about each other’s day.
#3: her insecurities, and this is the main reason we feel we might need to split for a more semi-permanent/permanent thing. And what I meant to ask you about. She isn’t very happy with me being around other girls despite knowing I’m not gonna do anything, mainly because she feels she isn’t worthy of me or not pretty enough. She deals with insecurity in her body and her skin and how she looks, which I would love her not to because she really is fabulous. But that’s not the way the world works, she is actively reading self-help books, and trying to better herself and her confidence. However, our main problem is, can this type of growth be attained with us still together or apart? Can she love someone without loving herself?

We talked about things and left it on the basis we will only call each other for important things, I feel that these things can be fixed with us dating and us being happy. She is unsure with an itch she might need to end it or take a long break so she can work on herself and make herself ready to love again, but I believe this growth can happen together. She wants that but has to consult with friends, family, and herself to figure out the best option while on our no contact break. Do you think this was a good method?

[HannahP]

Hi there Mediapd! I totally understand how conflicted and unsure you can feel after a break up — oftentimes a break up gives you the time and space to do a lot of self reflection about the relationship and what its problems were, just like you're describing. That can make it feel really tempting to give it another try with your newfound understanding to help you!

I'm glad to see that the two of you are planning on taking a no-contact break. It sounds like you're in the middle of a huge life transition, since you're about to go away to school. It's likely that your feelings about this relationship and break up will change in all kinds of ways over the next few months and it's a great choice to give yourself some space to feel some of those things by yourself, without feeling any pressure to make any decisions based off of them.

We have a great article about first relationships (I think this was your first serious relationship, am I right? Even if not, I think this article is very applicable to your situation!): First, But Not Last: On Finding, Navigating, and Losing First Loves. Maybe take a look through that and see if anything in it resonates?

[Mediapd]

I will look through it, I do wanna reiterate that the long break was an option we are looking at. We are taking a break of no contact right now to not text each other or call for a week or two while she figures how she wants to handle things.

[HannahP]

Okay, thank you for clarifying! During this short break, do you also plan to think about how you want to handle things? Even in this short amount of time, you could take some time to focus on exploring what you want. I know it can be really hard to avoid spending a lot of time focusing on what she might be feeling or thinking and just waiting to hear what she has to say when you talk again! But I think that spending some time thinking about what you want and need, and thinking about your plans for the future, could be really helpful.