Libido issues or no attraction?

[meg78]

Hi!
I’ve been with my boyfriend since my senior year in high school and we’ve been together for 3 years now. We’ve taken things pretty slow and only really started having sex after around a year. It was great back then but as I’ve gotten older and we’ve gone to college (we’re at the same school but we don’t live together) it’s become apparent that i’m just not having very strong sexual feelings ever anymore. I’ve been on ssris and birth control since before me and my boyfriend met, so i don’t think those are to blame.

It’s frustrating because I want to fulfill his needs (he’s stated before that he wants to feel wanted sexually) but when the time comes I just feel like i’m getting in over my head and back out. I feel like i’m perpetuating this cycle of connecting fear and stress with sex (I also have pent up guilt about sex in general coming from texas and not having a decent sex education) and I always feel like it’s something I have to do, not want to. I want to want my boyfriend that way, I just can’t and I don’t know why.

It’s also hard to verbalize these feelings to my boyfriend because it’s very easy to jump to the conclusion that I’m just not attracted to him anymore. But I don’t feel attraction at all right now. It’s not just him. I was attracted to him very much at one point, but now I’m just not turned on by anything or anyone.

I’m trying to find ways to become less stressed in my daily life and not feel so guilty about masturbation as well. I just don’t know what to do.

[KierC]

Hey Meg, and welcome to Scarleteen! I am so glad you’ve found us here.

It sounds like stress has been a major component of your life since going to college. Did I understand you correctly there? Stress is a huge culprit in libido changes, so if you’re going through a particularly stressful time in your life, or if you’re adjusting to a new lifestyle (like being a college student), it is understandable to feel some changes in libido. You can read more about it here, in this advice column about libido changes: Where’s My Libido Driven Off To?. With that being said, are you feeling particularly stressed recently? Would you like to talk more about what’s been stressing you out?

I will say, it is normal and okay to experience fluctuations in libido throughout your life, and there’s nothing wrong with having a lower or even nonexistent libido if it doesn’t bother you. That being said, it sounds like this does bother you because your boyfriend wants to feel wanted sexually. Apart from what he’s said to you about this, does this lower libido bother you personally, or is it more of that feeling of wanting to fulfill his needs? I ask because we never want someone to be doing anything sexually because they feel like they have to. Know what I mean?

I hear you as well that you feel guilty about masturbation. Do you want to dive into that topic a little more?

[meg78]

Hey!
Stress can definitely have a large factor in my libido and I’m trying to find ways to fix that, but it’s also super hard to find the root of it when it’s coming from all angles.

One angle may be my weight and body image. I’ve always had problems with my weight, but recently it’s been getting worse and worse and it’s been very hard to keep under control, leading to a cycle of stress and more weight fluctuations. This has also probably made me feel less desirable and turned off when my boyfriend tries sweet talking me to see if i’m up for anything that day.

I also have a hard time separating my school life from my social life because everything usually has to overlap with homework and studying and everything.

My guilt about sex also may play a factor. I’m extremely paranoid about people hearing anything and I just have guilt surrounding everything that freaks me out when we do anything.

I think my libido problems ultimately just make me upset. I want to find a way to enjoy those moments with my boyfriend instead of dreading it because of how much energy it requires and how long everything takes. I feel like i’m missing out on a connection with him that is missing right now. I don’t ever really have an amazing time whenever we’re doing anything like that, but I can’t tell if something’s wrong or if I’ll be like this the rest of my life. What I do know is that I want to be able to connect with him in that way and find ways to enjoy sex.

I’ve always had trouble with penetrative sex because it ends up hurting and I never feel anything even if it doesn’t hurt. Finishing is always a problem for me and when it happens it’s never quite to the same caliber as when i’m alone.

My boyfriend says that he’ll wait as long as I need, but it hurts me because I don’t know how long that will be or ever if I end up just not enjoying the act at all. I don’t want to break up over it but I don’t want to keep not enjoying sex and just putting on a brave face for him because I know that’s not sustainable and is unhealthy for a relationship.

Having lower libido makes me feel confused and sad; when I have to reject him because of how I feel I immediately break down and apologize. But when I do say yes, I end up feeling not like myself and uncomfortable and then end up not being able to reciprocate for him.

Masturbation is also a touchy subject because I have found that I have to use porn, which immediately makes me feel gross. I’ve been trying to find ways to help grow my imagination and ability to fantasize, but it’s pretty hard to build something like that.

Thanks

[lilikoi]

Hi meg78,

Sorry to hear that sex isn't hitting lately! Just to get a better idea of the situation, have you had other partners where this has happened to you before? It can be hard to figure out if changes in sexual desire come from us as individuals or us within a particular relationship. Your title mentions that you are wondering about attraction as well as libido. Would you like to talk about that a little more?

I know you said that you've noticed a lack of interest inside and outside of your relationship but some people in committed relationships rely on the steam from that romance to drive their desire. If the steam is missing from a relationship you're in, that itself is a huge factor in libido! Yes, libido is driven biologically, but it's also just another term for desire which is also driven by your own personal preferences. Do you have a sense for what your ideal relationship looks like sexually if you started from scratch?