I am in love with my step cousin?!?!

[Nico]

Okay... so I have a huge crush on my step cousin Allison. A few problems though: She is straight, has a boyfriend, and well, my step cousin. She is so nice, we like a lot of the same things, and she is one of my best friends... not to mention she is STUNNING. I know what love, crushes, and infatuation are like trust me; I've had all three. I think it is love. I want to be there, I want to go through all of it with her, but it is so unlikely! I don't want answers about it being a total lost cause, I want real answers that could help me deal with it or how to tell her. Please help?
~ Nico

[Sam W]

Hi Nico,

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you yourself already seem aware of the fact that there are three majors issues. First, while she's not a blood relation, dating someone who is related to you is definitely taboo in most places. And, beyond that, she is both in a relationship with someone else, and she identifies as straight and therefore is not interested in girls. So, with all of those factors in place, this is not a relationship that is feasible. Me telling you it is would simply not be very realistic.

And that can suck, because obviously the feelings you feel for her are very real, and it can be hard to realize that someone we have strong feelings for is not going to be someone we can have a relationship with. So, I have a few thoughts on how to deal with these emotions. One is to accept that your step cousin is not a realistic person to focus your (romantic) love on. If you're not already doing so, try going to meetings or practicing hobbies that you enjoy, but that also bring you into contact with people who have things in common with you. You may not meet your true love right away, but odds are you'll meet some new folks you like, and maybe some who you can pursue a romantic relationship with. If there's one in the area, check out local LGBTQA resources to see if they're hosting dances or other meet-ups, to increase your chances of finding a lady who fancies ladies. I would also say, take time to develop and nurture your relationship with yourself. Do some self care, try new things, etc.

As for telling her, I would caution you against it. I would also say, consider what you hope the result of your confession would be versus what you think the most likely outcomes actually are based upon the data you have.

[Nico]

Thank you so much, I'll try that.

[Heather]

You know, given she clearly is not demonstrating she has any romantic feelings for you - so that, all by itself, even if there were no other factors, makes clear that a romance is not in the cards here - but it sounds like you hold her in very high regard, and like her a lot, perhaps this is, instead, someone in your family to come out to? That is assuming you have not already.

It just might turn out that the right relationship (as in, a relationship that is something that feels like a good fit for you both, and is mutually beneficial), is a supportive friendship. In fact, it sounds like the bulk of your shared feelings point that way.

Some of what you have been feeling and wanting to tell her about might actually be just about sharing that part of who you are with her, too. After all, we can want that, and with a real intensity (one that's actually pretty easy to mistake for romantic feelings, IME), from people, and by all means, if we have or share real love with someone, having that kind of support can be huge. It can be everything, really.

Sometimes, when we find ourselves having very strong romantic feelings for someone we know, in our heads, is not, in reality, someone who shares or will share those feelings, it can be in part because we actually want someone safe - and out of reach in that way - to have those feelings about, where we can explore our feelings alone, but have no real risk of having to explore with that person, because they are out of reach in one or more ways for that (and the more ways they are out of reach, the bigger clue it can be that we really are not interested, for real, in actively pursuing something with them). I know that can seem bonkers, especially if you have fantasies or other strong ideas or ideals about a romance, but the thing is, we rarely have a real romantic interest in someone that we know, realistically, is unattainable.

Often, someone who feels safe, and who we know by no means would want a romance with us, is exactly what we need or are looking for to come out to, or be supported by around our orientation. We also can explore all kinds of feelings and ideas by ourselves about someone like that, which gives some experience with those feelings and ideas without having the risks involved of actually exploring them with that person actively. And sometimes, that's some of the stuff actually what we're after without realizing it.