Did my own boyfriend rape me?

[falloutbabe27]

Okay so I'm new to this website so kinda go easy on me if I'm doing something wrong. But on Friday I was fooling around with my boyfriend and things were getting kinda heavy and intense and he kept trying to pressure me into having sex with him. We are both Virgins so I'm not used to that and we had done other things like foreplay and such but I had already made it clear to him before that I didn't wanna go any further as I was already uncomfortable doing other things already. We didn't even have any condoms, I can't use any birth control, and I just wasn't ready but he kept asking me and trying to make his way to that point but I just kept saying no because I thought Made it clear that him repeatedly saying "I can show you my pull out game," or "I can hit it from the back" isn't making it any better. Finally his parts were getting too close to mine and he wouldn't stop just holding me and saying come on come on nothing's going to happen and he was already trying to put it in there so I felt ashamed that I was saying no so I told him just for a second. Stupid decision. He stuck it in and I wasn't expecting it to hurt that much so I told him to stop calmly at first. He told me it was okay and it was supposed to but he started trying to go faster so I tried to push him off but he wouldn't let me and the pain was horrible. I started getting more harsh and I was pushing him and banged on his chest and he grabbed my arms and said no. This went on and finally after fighting he got off me and I went to put my clothes on but he kept trying to take them away from me and push me down on the bed again. I raised my voiced and set him straight and just told him to let go of me and stop cause I didn't want to. He did. I feel like it was all my fault cause I felt ashamed and let him do what he wanted to. Is it considered rape? He was inside of me for less than 5 minutes and obviously he didn't come. I don't know what to think of myself and I've been a nervous wreck for the last 2 days. Sorry if I rambled on and made it too long my anxiety is through the roof. Thanks

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, falloutbabe, though I am so terribly sorry this is why you're here.

By all means, what you're reporting here is a sexual assault (rape), and it is by no means your fault. You didn't assault yourself, your boyfriend did.

It might help to know, if you don't already, that all anyone should ever have to do to not be part of anything sexual they don't want to is just to say no. And all anyone should ever do who asked someone to do something sexual they wanted, but got a no, is to accept that no without any fuss or argument whatsoever: not keep asking, not try and manipulate and coerce, not push with their body parts. And when people finally give up trying to say no because the other person is coercing them and won't stop, that's not the person's fault who is being coerced, either. It's the fault of the person who is doing that with the express intention of wearing you down so they can get what they want without any concern about you.

This is someone's fault here and is is all THEIR fault -- but that someone is not, in any way, you. It's this guy's fault: all his fault, 100%. He's the one who is entirely responsible for the manipulation and assault that he intentionally chose to do to you.

Unfortunately, most sexual assaults don't happen from people who are strangers to victims: what's far more common is for that person to not only be known, but known intimately: like a family member, spouse or boyfriend. Any sexual assault is a terrible and tremendous violation, but as you're probably experiencing right now, there's an extra dose of betrayal that comes with an assault from a partner. Again, I am so sorry this person abused you and your trust like this.

This isn't too long, and we can by all means talk with you, and listen, as much as you like. Where would you like to take this talk from here? We can talk about options with reporting, if you like, with finding emotional support, talk about your feelings, talk about sexual healthcare (if you want help getting emergency contraception, we can make sure we help you find that, too), whatever you want or need.

I do want to make sure we check in with you about safety, wherever else you'd like to go with this. This person has demonstrated very clearly that they are not safe to be around. Are you able to stay away from them from here on out, or do you need some help figuring out how to do that?

[falloutbabe27]

Thankyou so much for the advice and the quick answer. Also for the other post, it helped and reassured a lot. The only issue with the emergency contraception is that I'm young and I'm just a teenager and my parents know nothing. I wasn't really planning on saying anything either, as I'm leaving for a 3 week vacation on Tuesday and I didn't wanna ruin anything for that, plus I can only imagine the stress that would put on my family and myself for the guilt I would be put in for doing something like that in the first place. I've just been trying to hope for the best an Thankyou for offering the emotional support as it would be nice to talk about things and have it. I do have my own money to purchase the the EC I just don't have a way to get it. I'm stuck.

[Heather]

I want to say again that you haven't done anything here. Someone sexually abused and assaulted you: they did something, not you.

Per the EC, if it is something you want, and transportation is the barrier for you, do you have any friends who could help? Or a pharmacy within walking or biking distance?

In terms of other things, I'll be back here tomorrow, and happy to talk more then if you like.

[Heather]

Just taking a minute to check in on you today, if you're around, to see how you're doing.