Secret Help

[sara26]

Hello,

I have posted before about struggling with germaphobia. I have been on wait lists for over a year now and don't seem to be getting anywhere so I took it on myself to call a psychologist and get in to see her. My dad's benefits cover most of the costs because I saw my doctor and she diagnosed me with OCD and anxiety. This all being said, I have been dating this guy for a little over 10 months and he has no idea I have this or struggle with it... I'm just posting to get some feedback on whether or not I should tell him now or wait a little longer to tell him, or not even tell him at all because (hopefully) soon I won't have these disorders anymore... I'm very conflicted because the main reason I haven't told him is because it does help me not use sanitizer while we are together(also because it is very embarrassing for me).. He doesn't know and I don't want him to find out so I can't use it in front of him, so in a way it is kind of helping so before I saw the psychologist I told myself I would keep it a secret, see her, be better and that would be the end of it, but before I saw her my best friend told me I should be open with him and stuff and this made me feel very guilty for not telling him and him not knowing about such a big part of my life right now... I asked the psychologist if i should tell him or not and she told me I should tell him if i'm ready and willing....
I cried on and off for the rest of the day because I felt so bad and conflicted for not telling or and keeping this a secret because it is such a big part in my life, but on the other hand it has been helping me when I hangout with him...
SO I'm just conflicted on whether or not I should tell him now, or maybe after I've seen the psychologist a few more times, or just keep it a secret (and forget about it once I am better?).

Thank you.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Sara.

Ultimately, this is going to be up to you and how safe and comfortable you feel with your partner. You are right that this is a big part of your life, but because of that nobody can tell you if and when you should talk about it.

Is good to keep in mind that, if we really want to be close to someone, we need to share some stuff about us. After all that how we really become close, right? But, only you can decide the timing.

I would ask you, how do you feel in other aspects of your relationship? Do you feel safe and like you can be yourself with this person? Do you feel like you need to act in some special way that is not really how you like? How supported you feel by them? This are only a few questions that might help you think about it a little bit. Don't feel rushed or forced to answer, but do take them into account when you have the time and space if you can.

[Heather]

I want to add that no one owes anyone else information about what they struggle with. The choices you make with this should be based in what you feel is best for you, both in the short and long term, especially since a therapist can't make this just go away: you can learn to manage it, for sure, but it isn't going to just be gone some day. (Sorry, I know that stinks, but it is just how it is.)

It does sound like most of what is holding you back from sharing this is shame, something many people with OCD deal with. So I would suggest talking to your therapist about that, and getting their help evaluating if a) being in an intimate relationship is even right for you right now, and if so b) if, in fact, staying in shame by not telling is actually helping you as you seem to think it is, which it probably isn't at all, particularly since what you have been choosing to do seems to be creating guilt for you and, thus, even more shame.