Why are people so against a guy dating a girl taller than him?

[wishcoulddelete]

Title says it all.

[Heather]

Who are "people?"

I don't mean to be cheeky, but I'd say assuming this is a universal bias, or even anything close to it, is folly. For sure, some people have some weird ideas about gender and what's "right" when it comes to gender, but plenty of people also don't have those ideas. But I think to find out why any given person thinks this does, you'd have to ask them themselves.

I'd say chances are pretty good that somewhere like this, where many members of our community stand much further outside of (or against) gender norms, including many a lot more impactful and tougher to challenge than this one, you're not going to have an easy time finding someone who thinks this way to ask.

[wishcoulddelete]

I guess I should've been more specific, my apologies. It's just everywhere I go, I see a large majority (or at least a vocal minority) of people who comment on the topic at all who seems to detest the idea of such a relationship, or going to the extent of being seemingly repulsed by the idea of a short guy, which is kind of upsetting, as I'm quite short myself.

[Heather]

I assume you mean online, since you say see, not hear? If so, it may be about where you're going online, and about what you're choosing to read.

Really, we can find people saying...well, let's be real about it, ignorant things pretty much anywhere if we happen to go where they do that. On the other hand, more times than not, especially with something as glib as this is, finding places where people aren't saying those things is usually ALSO something we can find. So, it may be you could stand to take a look at where and what you're reading online, and at changing that up so that what you're reading is a lot less silly.

(I don't say silly to dismiss how you're feeling, but rather to address that people talking a lot about what height people should be to date is about as superficial as it gets.)

[Heather]

It might also help you to start paying less attention to comments like that and more just to your own eyes. Look around the world in real life, and in places where real life involves a diverse array of people, like on public transit: you're going to see couples of all kinds there, with diversity in peoples shapes, sizes, colors, how they present their gender, their orientation, the works. Real life is pretty clear proof that people in relationships clearly make their choices much more diversely than it sounds like the chatter you're seeing suggests.

[wishcoulddelete]

You bring up very intelligent points. Shortly after I made this post, I realized how ignorant I myself was being, I just didn't know how to delete it. I apologize for being so quick to assume. Although, I did look quite a bit, and found nothing that seemed to even accept it as "okay" or "normal" (albeit normal and okay are arbitrary and objective terms).

I don't really go out to town and stuff, as I'm not allowed and have no real reason to, therefore my view being based purely on what I see online.
Albeit, that still gives me no excuse to make such an immature post where more serious questions/issues should have attention paid to. I sincerely apologize for my childishness.

[Heather]

I didn't read you or your question that way at all, no worries. This is personal for you, and you took it personally! Plus, it sounds like the issue of you being really isolated that's started coming up in your other thread also isn't helping you out here. It's pretty hard to get a sense of what's really up with the world and people in it if our view of it is only or mostly based on what we're seeing online, since that just isn't that great a representation of people and life offline.

(I am feeling a little concerned, though: am I getting it right that even with your parents, you aren't being taken out of your home much or at all?)

[wishcoulddelete]

I can't thank you enough for your kindness. And I guess the isolation likely may be a cause of my actions.

(I guess so, yeah. I feel though that they're just concerned for my safety, hence me not being able to walk anywhere alone, and they both have two jobs, they can't just take the time off to walk around town with me.)

[Sam W]

Hi TrueJustice,

I have two other questions that I hope you don't mind answering. When you say your parents are worried about your safety, have they told you what, specifically, they're worried about?

And, what happens if you try to go somewhere with a friend? Is that okay?

[wishcoulddelete]

Hello Sam.

I don't mind answering at all. Yes, they've specifically stated.

Well, I don't think this is necesarilly what you mean, but one time my neighbor and I went to the nearby park, but apparently both our parents didn't listen when we asked permission and just said yes. The cops were called.

Other than that, no, I'm scared to disobey.

[Heather]

They called the cops before they did the usual things parents do like going out to look for you at nearby parks or calling your friends parents?

[wishcoulddelete]

They called the cops with my neighbor's parents. Heck, my neighbor's dad is a cop.
They were afraid I got kidnapped.
Thankfully, my dad suspected I went to the park (somehow) after he noticed my bike was missing.

[Heather]

Do either of your parents have an anxiety disorder, by any chance? Or did anything happen somewhere between your siblings and you where they became fearful? Again, I don't mean to pry, I am just trying to figure out what is going on here to sort out how to best help you with it.

[wishcoulddelete]

No, I believe my family has no history of anxiety or anything of the sort. And no, my siblings have never been afraid of me. And I've never been afraid of them.
It's no worry, I don't mind answering at all.

[Heather]

No, I meant did anything happen between when your siblings were your age and you, now, that might have made your parents become fearful.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, my apologies for the missunderstanding. And, well, I guess my brother did some dumb stuff (jumping onto a (very slowly) moving car), but nothing that severely injured him.

[Stephanie]

I apologize if I missed this above, but were your parents the same way with your siblings as they are with you? Was there the same expectation that they would stay close to home like is expected of you?

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you for the reply, Stephanie. No, my parents were quite lenient with my siblings. They could go quite far, while I can barely go outside (which sadly isn't an exaggeration).

[Stephanie]

What is your relationship like with your parents? Are you able to talk to them openly? If so, is this something you've tried discussing with them in the past?

[wishcoulddelete]

I don't really talk to them openly. I'm worried they'll get upset with me and yell at me.

[Redskies]

I'm sorry to hear that; that's a rough way to feel.

In your other thread with Heather, you said your parents shout at each other, but they don't aim any at you. It'd certainly be natural to feel worried about being shouted at if shouting generally is a common thing in your house. (It'd also be ok if you realised that they did shout at you sometimes after all - it can be hard untangling a difficult situation with parents, and we understand that.) It's also sounding like your parents maybe don't respond very well generally to you wanting to talk about anything or negotiate anything with them? - after all, if we feel worried about being shouted at or making someone upset simply by talking openly, that doesn't come from nowhere: chances are very good indeed that at some point someone has responded in a way that gave us something to be worried about.

If they shout at each other, I'm guessing that perhaps they don't respond very well to each other if and when one of them wants to talk about something with the other, too?

Can you think of any examples where you spoke somewhat openly to your parents, or asked them for something, or had a different opinion to them? Can you talk us through how that kind of conversation went?

[wishcoulddelete]

Well, uh, one time I asked my dad if he could take me to a store so I could spend money I had gotten and he snapped back saying I treat him like a slave, if that's what you're asking for.

[Redskies]

That was the kind of inquiry to them I was wondering about, yes.

Well, that kind of response certainly isn't very pleasant and would make most people not want to ask things again. I'm really sorry your dad spoke like that to you - it's generally okay to decline a request (except, not every single or most requests from a person one is caring for), but it's not okay to respond with meanness or crossness or like you were doing something wrong by making the request in the first place. That kind of response sounds like, intentionally or unintentionally, it was made to make you feel guilty for asking.

Is some kind of meanness or crossness a regular thing from either of your parents, or something that you expect?

[wishcoulddelete]

I may be internally exagerating, I'm not really sure, but as far as I can think, yeah, it's a response I've come accustomed to the likes of.

[Redskies]

I'm sorry to hear that that kind of response is familiar to you Anyone can have a really bad day and say something mean - although a recognition of that and an apology would still be the way to go! - but if it's a more regular or familiar thing, that begins to be a pattern, and is something different to rare one-offs.

Treating someone badly, regularly or in any kind of pattern, in ways like meanness, dismissiveness, or guilting someone, is a form of emotional abuse. I'm so very sorry that your parents seem to be treating you in these ways; they shouldn't be, because it isn't right to treat anyone like that. You deserve better.

I know Heather asked before if there was any abuse in your household, and you said there wasn't towards you. The world generally tends not to be very good at knowing and informing people of what emotional abuse actually is, so it's not at all surprising that you didn't identify it that way yourself. I know it can be a big thing to throw into the picture: how are you doing, now that I've brought it up? Is there anything you need that we might be able to help you with?

We can also pass you some links to some of our information about emotional abuse, if that's something you'd like and would help you. I just wanted to ask you first, rather than putting everything into one giant step right away. Your own speed is absolutely okay, whatever that is.