Orgasm Issues!

[alyssa._.]

Hi there! I have been with my boyfriend for more than three years now. We haven't engaged in PIV intercourse yet, but we have tried manual and oral sex (for the record, we are definitely each other's first-times for everything). For him, it's easy to make him come, but for me, it's nearly impossible. I have never orgasmed with hands, fingers, oral, or anything like that. I find that I am only able to achieve an orgasm by using something like a vibrator, or water from a bath-faucet, or even just dry-humping. Every time he tries oral or manual (fingering/rubbing), I either feel nothing at all or slight pain. It just frustrates me because I can see how discouraged my boyfriend gets. And it's not that I'm not sexually attracted to him- I one hundred percent am. It's just that, regardless if it's him or me stimulating manually, or him orally, it just doesn't work. I'm not sure if it's because my clit is sensitive when touched directly- I'm just not sure. It makes me upset because I'm wondering, if I've only come from grinding or vibrations, am I doomed to forever not be able to orgasm manually or orally? Like have I, for lack of a better word, screwed myself over because it's the only way I've been able to, so I've just stuck with that? Like almost as if I'm too used to it. It's kind of worrying me because I feel like a manually/orally stimulated orgasm is just never going to happen. Is that even possible? If anybody can help me understand this, I'd really appreciate it! Thank you

[Heather]

Have you discussed this with your partner, and brought your vibrator, for instance, into sex together? That's something many people do, whether that's because that's how they best get off, only get off, or because they can reach orgasm without, but simply enjoy vibration as part of sex, so want to have that enjoyment be part of sex with partners.

Too, are you two communicating together in all this? For instance, when he's trying things, are you letting him know what feels good and doesn't, and giving him some guidance based on what you know about your own body and sexual response?

None of this is about doom or being screwed, btw. There's nothing wrong, if this turns out to be true for you over time, or is now, wither people needing specific things to enjoy themselves sexually, reach orgasm or both, and there's no "right" or wrong way to do that. For some people, for instance, fingers alone are the bomb, while others don't get anything from that at all: neither of those people are blessed while the other is cursed, one of those people isn't better than the other. We're all just different!

[alyssa._.]

I have discussed this with him, but I've never tried it with him in the room. It sounds dumb, but I think he wants to be the one that gets me off, rather than an object. Not that vibrators are bad at all, I think he (and even me) for that matter wants to not have to rely on an object to help me. I let him know what I like, and when he listens, it feels pretty good for the first few moments, but after that it's just nothing or pain.
Aha, you're right about that. It just makes me feel as though I am like, really different. I think I want to be able to achieve an orgasm alone, without the use of an object. Maybe it's impossible for me to do so, though I really hope that's not the case. I'd be pretty bummed out to know that I'll never be able to get off without one. And the thing is, Im not sure why that would make me feel so crappy. I know there is nothing wrong with vibrators, because they really do help, but I really just want to do this without it, it's like a goal of mine. And if it never happens, idk, I feel like it could really damage my own self-esteem. :/

[Heather]

Well, neither he NOR the object are actually getting you off, since it's really your brain and central nervous system that does that, for the record. But what kind of stimulus is involved certainly facilitates that.

However, I'd suggest you both think and talk about the fact that if he is there holding a vibrator on your genitals, nothing is really different than if it's his hand. (Heck, two of my fingers are prosthetic, and I have never considered that because they are "objects" anything is ever any different with my other fingers involved and partners.) The point is, you two would be just as mutually involved with or without a vibrator.

I think some of why this is making you feel crappy has to do with how you're thinking about it. Including in what I just said there, this idea that someone a vibrator (or whatever) isn't as much a part of sex with a partner as a born-with body part is. How involved we are or not with a partner with sex isn't about that.

However, there's also rarely such a thing as our bodies responding the same way sexually a whole lifetime. Sure, we can often find as we go through life some things don't change at all, or other things do, but not much. But we will also usually experience other things changing a whole lot. So, to think that how you respond now at the dawn of your sexual life is how you always will is also a problematic way of thinking that doesn't match a lot of people's realities.

Lastly, real self-esteem is based in our sense of worth and value as whole people. If you feel like yours is strongly tied up in something as small as how you get off, that's certainly something to think about, and that's also something we could talk about if you like. Because that's not only something that again, varies among all people, with no ways being better or worse, that's also a really small part of who you are as a whole person. Giving something so relatively small so much weight in our sense of self can really mess us up.

[alyssa._.]

That's true, I never really thought of it that way. So does that mean it's my brain telling me if something feels good, and not my body? But it makes so much sense, the changing thing, thank you!

It's true though, I do let stupid small things affect the way I look at myself. I've always feel like I'm different from everyone else when I hear stuff like, "well yeah I get off so easy!" and then I think back to me and I feel so abnormal. But I know that everyone's different, we're supposed to celebrate our differences, but when I hear that I'm not with the majority of some people, I tend to feel crappy. Stupid, I know :/ But you're right. It shouldn't effect me because it's honestly not that big a deal.

[Heather]

Your brain and central nervous system are part of your body, not separate from your body. And your brain and central nervous system are THE big players in all of sexual response, including orgasm. They are what make you feel anything with your genitals or any other part of your body. They are why people can experience orgasm and other kinds of sexual response without genitals even being involved, at all. (Really!)

Really, know that people generally don't casually chit-chat about what is challenging for them with sex and sexuality with anyone but people they are very close to, and even then, a lot of people still don't. And people -- and this is often more true with younger people than older folks -- also are often dishonest about their sexual lives with their peers.

As someone who works in sex and sexuality, I can tell you that for most people, getting off is only easy when they have had practice (practice that usually starts with years of masturbation), learned a good deal of what gets them there, and then do those things, alone and/or with partners, rather than trying to adhere to some kind of ideal that isn't based in their realities, their sexualities, their own bodies.

It might also help to know that a LOT of this anti-vibrator stuff, especially with partners, comes from a history of male insecurity about it, as well as a long history of the whole world refusing to acknowledge and treat women's sexuality as valid, or even as existing, separate from male sexuality and what men want from women for themselves, sexually and otherwise.

If I could attach a track of "Let It Go" from Frozen to go with all I'm telling you here, I would. Because that's what I'd suggest you do: do what you can to let go of this stuff holding you back from enjoying yourself and honoring and centering what works for YOU (and, incidentally, for more women than not, as well: while it would truly be fine if you were a minority in this, the idea you're not in a majority here is not based in reality).

You're not "abnormal," but even if you were? So what? Loads of us are in some ways, sexually and otherwise, and all that the word normal even means is "approximately average," which doesn't sound like what most people are looking for in their sexual lives. Or their lives, period. I know that sure doesn't sound like a great goal to me. If all I could expect from my sexual life and my sexual self was being approximately average, I'd be finding a better place for my time and energy than sex, for sure.