Dating with an Expiry Date

[moonlight]

Hello everyone!

So I've recently started dating someone new and I'm having a great time. He's sweet, caring and fun to be around. We have built up a good set of communication skills around sex and unlike the hasty decisions I've made in the past, we are consistently practicing safer sex.

It hasn't been very long that we've been dating (about 2 weeks), but if things keep going like this, I can see things continuing for longer.

The only problem with this relationship, really, is that it has an expiration date. After this semester at school (so around April), he will be gone from school until January of next year to work as part of completing his degree. He's still applying for jobs, so at this point, I don't even know what country he'll be in. There is a slim, but existent chance that he could end up near me, but odds are he's not even going to be in the same country as me.

Perhaps it's early to be thinking about all of this, but I like to know where things can possibly go, because it gives me an idea of where things are right now.

I'm really enjoying the time I have with him now, and things keep getting better. I just don't want to get too attached to someone who will be (physically) out of my life so soon. But I don't want to break things off because it might hurt later when he leaves. I can't see the future, lots of things could happen before mid-April. The relationship could fizzle out, end horribly, get even stronger, or continue but just barely. Heck, the world could end before April (unlikely though that may be).

I've done the LDR (long distance relationship) thing before and it was hard. But that relationship that was long distance had a host of other problems like a very big language barrier.

I don't know when it makes sense to start talking to my new partner about these things. We haven't even had a discussion about exclusivity yet (although I think we're both assuming that we're exclusive). We haven't really had a real conversation at all about what our relationship is, where we're going and what we want out of it.

I mean, I disclosed a medical condition I felt it important that he know about and said that I wanted him to know before things got "too big/important" in case he was going to react badly. And then he said he doesn't really know where this can lead since he's leaving and I said that I'm not saying things have to get serious and he said he prefers not to think about it. And then we kind of just dropped the topic there and talked about other things.

We haven't talked about it since.

I know that burying our heads in the sand and pretending we have before us an unlimited stretch of time physically together to see where things go, won't fly. I know that we need to talk about this.

But is it too soon to talk about this?

To be clear I'm not talking about making commitments like a commitment to have an LDR when he leaves.

I'm talking about figuring out where we're at (exclusive/non-exclusive), figuring out what we want going forward (do we ever want to call each other girlfriend/boyfriend). And I'm not sure if the discussion should stop there or if we should also talk about what we would (potentially) want to do when he goes away.

So I know I've written a lot. This, as every new relationship is, is new territory for me. I guess what I'm asking boils down to:

- Should I talk to him about this now?
- If so, what should that conversation look like?
- Has anyone else had a relationship with an expiry date? What was that like/how did you handle it?

[Sam W]

Hi Moonlight,

From what you're describing, it sounds like this is a conversation to have within the next few weeks, especially if part of it is defining things like exclusivity. That's something you don't want to leave up to assumption, as doing so can lead to miscommunication or hurt feelings.

Do you think it would be helpful for the two of you to make this two separate conversations? In other words, have one that's a conversation about what your expectations are for the relationship right now, and have the other be about what you're each viewing in terms of the future. Splitting it up could make it feel less like you're dealing with all the big stuff in one go.

Something to think about in terms of the expiration date is that accepting that the relationship has an end date doesn't mean you can't enjoy it up until then. Some people in your position (and their partner) will decide to make the most of the relationship while it's happening, figuring that when it ends, they had a fun, happy experience to look back on. Does that make sense?

[moonlight]

Hey Sam, thanks for such a quick reply!

Something to think about in terms of the expiration date is that accepting that the relationship has an end date doesn't mean you can't enjoy it up until then. Some people in your position (and their partner) will decide to make the most of the relationship while it's happening, figuring that when it ends, they had a fun, happy experience to look back on. Does that make sense?

Yes this makes sense. I really do want to enjoy things while I can.

From what you're describing, it sounds like this is a conversation to have within the next few weeks, especially if part of it is defining things like exclusivity. That's something you don't want to leave up to assumption, as doing so can lead to miscommunication or hurt feelings.

Ok, so I have a bit of breathing room (don't necessarily need to talk to him about this next time I see him) but I shouldn't leave it too long. I think I will talk to him about exclusivity next time I see him though (as long as we're both up for that conversation at the time) because it is something that I know where I stand on and would really like to know where he stands instead of just assuming.

Do you think it would be helpful for the two of you to make this two separate conversations? In other words, have one that's a conversation about what your expectations are for the relationship right now, and have the other be about what you're each viewing in terms of the future. Splitting it up could make it feel less like you're dealing with all the big stuff in one go.

I think this would be really helpful because it would take some of the stress off.

So, how do I have these conversations? In my past relationships, we haven't really communicated all that well. My partner and I are communicating well around sex now, which is good. But we haven't really had occasion to communicate well around some of this big stuff since, well, it hasn't been all that long. I just want to make sure I do this right and don't screw things up irreparably.

[Sam W]

You're welcome

As far as how to have the conversation, I would try to be as open as you feel comfortable being. The more you're both honest about where you are in your thoughts and feelings, the easier this will be. You may also want to plan something fun or relaxing to do afterwards, as these conversations can be a little difficult and anxiety provoking when you're new to them.

There's also a great piece from Dr Nerdlove on how to have the defining the relationship talk: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/d ... ationship/

[moonlight]

Yes, I plan to be very open with him. You're right that that is very important.


Thanks for that piece from Dr NerdLove, it really helped by giving me some good ideas of how to go about this conversation.

I've texted him to let him know that I want to have a conversation about this and now I'm anxiously awaiting his reply. I don't want to freak him out or make him think I'm more or less heavily invested in this than I am. I guess that means its a good thing to have this conversation. I also expressed that we can absolutely have more than one conversation about this. This is kind of nerve wracking! (I might have waited to have this conversation, but we have reading week coming up so we'll be seeing each other more than normal and I would just not be able to sit on this for a whole week of seeing each other a lot)

Now I've got the gargantuan task of figuring out precisely what I want so I can tell him whenever we talk...

[Sam W]

Glad the article was helpful!

You're right that this can be quite nerve wracking. In terms of sorting out what you want, this piece has some factors to consider that might make that process a little easier: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[moonlight]

The conversation went pretty well. We were both open and frank with each other. We have decided that exclusivity suits what we're both looking for best right now.

As per the issue of the relationship's expiry date, he has said he's trying not to let himself get too attached to me. We had a pretty good conversation about what that means and although my gut reaction is that I don't like that, I also think it's fair enough and possibly something I should try. Besides, we both talked about how we don't even know if either of us knows how to not get attached. Our conclusion on this front is that we'll just wait and see what happens. We're charting a new frontier for both of us.

This whole relationship goes pretty far outside the prevailing narative of what a relationship should look like, but I'm okay with that. (The prevailing narative, as I see it, is always leading somewhere whether that place is saying I love you, or moving in together, or marriage). I don't need this relationship to go somewhere for it to be worth something.

And honestly, just based on differences in philosophy of life, where we ultimately want to end up living, and habits, I don't think this is a relationship I'd want to be in forever.

But it's working for me right now.

I have recently come to believe in fitting relationship models to the people and the circumstances, instead of trying to change the people and the circumstance to fit a relationship model.

As unconventional as my relationship with this guy feels to me, I am ultimately satisfied, at this moment in time, with where things are.

[Carmen]

Hi moonlight,

I love all these thoughts you've just expressed. There really is no one way a relationship "should" look. Rather, just like you said, relationships are a byproduct of the people and the circumstances involved. A relationship can involve looking towards the future, or, as Sam said, it can just be enjoying yourself in the present moment and knowing you will have a good experience to look back on, no matter where it goes. Discovering all the different things relationships can be is certainly a process. And while it can be hard and sometimes painful, I think it is also usually pretty eye-opening. It can help us learn about our wants and needs, and how those change during different parts of our lives and with different people.

[Mo]

It sounds like that conversation went pretty well!
I have another thought about the idea of "not becoming too attached" that might be helpful. Sometimes that can mean "I'm not letting myself feel too much for you" (although I think realistically, it's tough to keep ourselves from feeling things!) but it can also mean "I'm trying to accept that nothing in life is permanent and enjoy this relationship for as long as it lasts, while understanding that it may not last as long as I'd like." And sometimes I think that can help people really enjoy what they have while they have it, and end things on pretty good terms. It might be bittersweet, but I think a relationship you know will only last a short time (or that will transition to a different kind of relationship then - I assume you won't stop being close) can be a fond memory after that initial hurt has faded a bit.

If it helps to have a personal story about this: several years ago a friend expressed interest in dating me. She knew she was going to move pretty far away (east to west coast in the US) in a few months although the exact timing was unsure. But, she was interested, I was interested, and we both knew that we were good friends but weren't looking to form a long-term commitment together and probably wouldn't be great at keeping up something serious long-distance. I wound up feeling like it was lower-pressure because of the time limit on the romantic relationship, so it was a pretty nice experience for me.
She did indeed move a few months later (I think we got together in July or August, and she moved in late December). It was sad, but in a way I was more sad that I was losing a really good local friend than I was about ending the romantic and sexual component of our relationship. She was very busy in her new home (a busy job and a partner who wound up being abusive) and didn't communicate with me as often as I would have liked but she was always very sweet and affectionate when she did.
A couple years ago I was going to be visiting her for a few days and she expressed interest in sex or maybe opening up a long-distance relationship if the visit went well, so we rekindled things (after having a fairly detailed conversation first, to make sure we were on the same page). It turned out that she's still not great at long-distance communication so I've been in a bit of a situation where we might act "like a couple" while I'm visiting, which happens once a year or so, but we're pretty low-contact otherwise. So every time I see her it feels like there's a pretty quick time limit on the relationship! It's definitely something I have to accept if I want to be involved with her in this way,and so far I've felt like it's worth it.

[moonlight]

Thanks Carmen, I really liked the things you had to say too.

Sometimes that can mean "I'm not letting myself feel too much for you" (although I think realistically, it's tough to keep ourselves from feeling things!) but it can also mean "I'm trying to accept that nothing in life is permanent and enjoy this relationship for as long as it lasts, while understanding that it may not last as long as I'd like." And sometimes I think that can help people really enjoy what they have while they have it, and end things on pretty good terms.

Thanks for this re-wording Mo, it actually really helps a lot. And thanks for the anecdote, it's nice to hear from someone else who had a time limit on their relationship and to hear that it was worthwhile to still maintain the relationship while time and physical proximity permitted.

[Heather]

This is going to sound corny as all get-out, but personally, since I learned way back in a very hard way in my teens, I have assumed every relationship has a time limit, and/or that the way a given relationship is, it's particular incarnation, is something that's likely for not just a limited time, but potentially more limited than I might like or want.

My experience with that mindset is that it's actually made for better relationships for me and relationships everyone seems to value more while they're happening, and also for easier transitions to parting ways or changing the nature or circumstances of a given relationship.

So, what I'd offer is that rather than only seeing downsides -- which I get, mind -- maybe think about what good this can offer you might not get at or experience otherwise, like being more in the moment, for instance, and not taking something for granted. There's other plusses with a limitation like this, but that's just one example from me.

[moonlight]

After all this thinking about how good it was going to be to be having this experience, he ended things.

Pretty damn tactlessly and thoughtlessly, I might add.

I feel hurt and a bit broken. I feel sad. I feel like I've lost the next few weeks of potential.

This sucks.

EDITED TO ADD: Y'know, I've never been broken up with before and I bet that is part of why this hurts so much.

[Eddie C]

Sorry to hear you are feeling hurt, moonlight. I can understand why. Heart break is always a hard thing to go through. Is there anything that you would enjoy doing to take care of yourself?

Jedi hugs, if wanted and needed.

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear that, what a bummer. It makes sense that this would leave you feeling extra raw since you haven't been broken up with before, plus you just had what sounded like a pretty good conversation about the relationship. How can we best support you right now?

[moonlight]

Thank you both.

Yeah I was pretty surprised.

I'm okay though now. It sucks because I have so few friends that losing any relationship has a serious impact on my social life. So I think I'm more upset about losing him as a friend, then I am as a partner. (And he made it pretty clear that time constraints are one of the reasons he's ending things; there's no potential for a friendship here)

But I'm actually okay. And I appreciate you asking, Mo, what y'all can do to support me, but I don't really need anything right now.

And even though it really isn't great that things ended so much earlier than I had assumed (and been told) that they would, I still have the memory of the fun we had in these past few weeks to look back on.

[Sam W]

It's good to hear you're feeling like you're in an okay place (even if you're still feeling a little raw). It sounds like you're handling things pretty well given how abruptly this happened, which is great to hear.