Stressed about my Gender Identity

[moonlight]

Hello wonderful people.

I'm back and this time, like most other times, I need some advice.

A little context first: right now I'm facing an episode of my mental health condition. I have returned home by necessity to the open arms of my parents. Unfortunately, we live in a small and closed minded town and I see an excellent, but of unknown ally-status, psychiatrist here.

Last time I posted on here about gender, I was also in the throes of this illness.

One of the aspects of my illness is that, when I am ill, I feel things more intensely than I probably would when I am well.

So as a result, last time I was ill in this way, I didn't take the time to think about my gender identity, pronouns, and exactly which gender identity fits; before telling this information to nearly everyone I knew within a span of 3 days. My parents are one of the people I told and they were open, if not understanding, but then I had to backpedal on the name and I think they figured that meant I was backpedaling on the rest.

I don't have the mental energy to figure this all out until I get healthier. But I can't just put figuring it out on pause either. So I'm not sure what to do. To be clear, I know you can't give medical advice and I'm not asking for it. The medical information is provided solely for you to understand some of the added challenges that make it harder for me to think about my gender and things related to that.

Before I returned home from University to deal with my illness, I was involved with the LGBT+ community centre on campus which was a positive, broadly inclusive, and safe space to be. If I were still there, it would be a great place to talk to people about this who are knowledgeable about it and some of whom have first hand experience to understand somewhat, what I am going through. Most of my friends are at the centre.

Beyond being too far away to access that awesome space, I have left behind my entire life in that town for an indefinite period of time.

So there's a lot going on in my life right now. But I want to devote as much time as is reasonable to working through my gender. Because I am experiencing the most dysphoria I ever have and I want to make the changes necessary to reduce it as much as possible.

I have a friend who identifies as trans who has agreed to talk to me about this via message later on. She is comfortably out and is much further along her journey than I am.

So it will be helpful to talk to a friend who has been in a similar situation.

I guess I'm​ coming here to ask: do you have any tips on how to figure this out? I know everyone's process is going to be different, but surely there are some things I should be aware of so that I can consider them.

If you've ever been in a similar position to me: what resources, advice, etc, do you wish that you had had sooner?

[Mo]

Hi moonlight, nice to see you here again although I'm sorry you're having some mental health struggles right now.

It's hard to really give advice about how to go about figuring out your gender identity! People come across this sort of really intense self-understanding in a lot of ways, and it's not always going to feel like a bolt of certainty where you suddenly sit up and say "AHA! I was X all along!" I think a lot of people come to understand their gender through a mix of experimentation, discussion, and reflection.
Sometimes even when people don't have a super clear understanding of their gender, they might have a sense of small things that might help them feel more affirmed or confident in their current understanding, so if there are things that make you think they'd be helpful (presentation changes, changes in name or pronouns used), maybe spend some time sitting with those thoughts. It's ok to experiment with things even if you aren't entirely sure how they'd feel for you.

You mention a trans friend who's going to chat with you about some of this, and I think that sounds great - do you have a way of getting in touch with other friends from the community centre on campus? Are there any online spaces that have felt welcoming, or are there social media spaces where you have friends who are gender-savvy and might be up for continuing these conversations?
I ask because it sounds like it's important to you to have community to talk to right now, so if there's a way to maintain those community connections even though you're now in a different place I think that could be helpful. I honestly feel like the most helpful thing for me was access to other people who could share their own experiences with gender, even if we didn't have similar identities.

It sounds like your dysphoria is where most of your distress about being unsure about your gender is coming from, do I have that right? Are there other factors here that are making your current unsure state feel like a source of stress?

[moonlight]

Hey Mo! It's wonderful to see you!

Since Tuesday, I have made great strides in my mental health that have had a trickle down effect on the rest of my life. I am finally on a therapeutic dose of my medication, I have seen my pdoc who is cautiously optimistic about my health, and I have been able to book a trip back to university for a few day to get more of my things and see how things go when I'm back.

I am in a better place than I have been in a very long time.

That extends to my gender identity. I am a man and I am transgender. My pronouns are he/him and my name is [redacted for privacy]. I have had an awareness of this since I was 2 y/o and I first saw my dad standing up while he peed. Obviously, to me at the time, that was something we (people who aren't wearing diapers), could do instead of sitting like mom and dad had shown me. So I wanted to be like my dad, who was my hero, along with my mom. I peed standing up the next time I used the potty. My parents were understandable surprised and acted quickly because no one likes cleaning up more of someone else's pee than they have to. And then, they explained that Daddy could pee standing up since is was a boy. But that I could not, because I was a girl. That is when I first found out that gender existed and that mine was (purportedly) girl. It was the first time I felt dysphoria.

But the realization that I am a man and that I have been since I learned what man meant, is freeing.

I have reconnected with a few key friends since getting to my parents' house, via the Internet. They have all been unconditionally helpful, one of them in particular.

That friend talked me through a middle of the night trip to the emergency room that I went through physically alone. And he kept me distracted by disclosing his own personal experiences with being in a hard place.

I don't know if you know any Spanish, Mo, but the easiest way to express how I feel is:

Mi amigo es simpaticisimo, inteligente, y le quiero. Es el mejor amigo mío, porque es mi primero amigo de la corazón. El es un amigo por la vida. Le quiero como familia.

He and I are meeting for lunch next week and I am very much looking for it. We were friends before, but our mutual disclosures have made us good friends.

The chaos doesn't go away because of the things that have happened to make it easier to get by, but it does make those things a whole lot less scary .

Acknowledging my disphoria, starting to feel healthy, and discovering an amazing human being in my existing circle of friends, have made all of the tough things manageable.

In other words, the crisis has ended and I can start rebuilding the things that have suffered damage.

[Heather]

Hey, moonlight. You know I am always happy to see you.

Just poking my head in to ask if you'd change your listed pronouns in your profile here, mostly because I imagine it's a small thing that will feel really good, but ALSO to just say:

Hello! And it's good to meet the you that you are and are claiming now. I'm glad this is a place you've included in this process and feel happy and comfortable being exactly who you are here. It always, always is a happymaking thing for all of us here when a member of our community extends that trust in us and also comes here feeling strong and happy in themselves like this. I am so glad for you!

[Mo]

Thanks for this update, moonlight! I'm so glad you have had such supportive friends, especially this one friend in particular. I know how helpful and affirming it can be to have someone really special who's there for you in tough times so I'm glad you've become so close. It's really wonderful to hear you're doing better.

[moonlight]

Thank you both.

Coming back to the boards is like coming home. I get to see people who matter and say hello, even have a chat. And those people love me, because we have known each other for a while, and have mutual respect and caring.

You, Scarleteen, are part of my chosen family, and my community. I can come back when I need to get support, I can come back when I want to just to visit. No matter how long I am gone, coming back is a relief.

You took me from a fledgling, and taught me how to fly.

And though I may never be able to be what you were for me, that's okay, because we all know I'll be that person for someone(s) else.

I got hurt, and forgot how to trust people, but you didn't let that stop you from caring. And now that my friend (from above) has shown me that not everyone is bad, and that he is good, I am in a space where I can come back here​ and write this message.

I'll be back, but even if that never happens, you are my family. I will be a volunteer some day in the not too distant future, when I can swing the time commitment.

Thank you Heather for having a vision and working until it was reality. You, and everyone here, are good.