How to deal with wanting a relationship?

[calmandcute]

So, since I'm 15, I'm not allowed to be in a relationship with anyone. Even if I could, no one around me seems to be compatible with me anyways. But, I really want to have a relationship with someone. This is kinda embarrassing, but I guess I just want to go out with someone and have fun and stay at home and cuddle (even kiss! Scandalous, I know), but I can't do that. I've never been in a real relationship before (just the playground boyfriend/girlfriend cooties lol) and I've never kissed anyone, but I really really want to!
I don't really know why I want to so bad though. I think one of the factors is that I write stories and one-shots of me and characters I create of things I really want to do, to express it rather than bottle it. But, that just adds to my problem in a way. Because I write about characters loving me so much, I feel like my standards for appearance, physical and mental love are really high. I don't know if it's just hormones or what, but everything about this really upsets me, and I just wanna be in a relationship that I'm having in my mind. I wanna know what this is and why it's happening!
Sorry if this was really long, but this topic is a bit hard to explain! I can try to elaborate more on this if I wasn't clear enough though. Thank you for helping me!

[Karyn]

Wanting a romantic and/or sexual relationship is something most people experience at some point, often for the first time in their teens, so the answer to "why is this happening" is just because you're human! It's understandable that you have that strong want for a relationship without having it really directed at anyone in particular - and feeling that frustration isn't unusual - but could you talk a little bit more about why you think it's so upsetting to you? Is it just that you're not in a position to date anyone at the moment, or is it that these feelings seem wrong somehow, or something else entirely?

(If you'd like to talk about things you can do to expand your social circle so that you have a better chance of meeting someone you might be interested in, and/or dealing with whatever home rules there are that mean you're not allowed to date, we can certainly have that conversation too.)

[calmandcute]

Hi Karyn,
I think it's upsetting me because I want all of the emotions and the touches and everything, but I know I can't have that. Like how when you read a romance novel, they describe it so perfectly and like there's nothing else in the world. But, I always feel like I'm not allowed to fall in love or that I've now set my dating standards too high, and I won't receive what I'm wanting to receive. I'm not sure why I want to so badly, none of my other friends are like this as far as I know, but I do.
As far as social circles go, I'm not really sure how to expand them! I'm kinda weird for other people's standards socially haha. Also, I get kinda awkward when I'm meeting new people unless I discover something we both like, which is difficult when you first talk to someone.
Thank you!

[thewrit3r]

In a way I can relate to this because lately I've been wanting to be in a relationship - mainly sexual, but nevertheless a relationship. It makes sense that you would want to be in one, and you're going through a period where your body is still changing and you're recognizing romantic and sexual attraction you feel, the desire to be with someone else in a way you haven't experienced before.

One thing I wanted to note about those romance novels is that a lot of them are fantasies. They're not realistic. They play on what people would like to see in relationships and that's why people like them - a lot of times they're escapism. No relationship is going to be perfect. And while romantic love can be wonderful, it's not the only thing in life that is special. Platonic love for a friend is spedial. Love for family is special. There are so many things in life that are spedial; romance is just one of them. Yet a lot of times they make it seem like it's so unlike anything else you've ever experienced and it's so out of this world. While I'm sure it's different it's not more spedial than anything else.

And maybe taking it that way can make it seem less impossible that it will happen to you. Approaching romantic love like a relationship, because it is one. Obviously there are differences but in order to be in s relationship you have to know the person. They do become your friend, just a different friend. That's how I see relationships, anyway. It's a different form of love you share with someone else, but love is still love and you don't care about this person any more than you would care for anyone else. That makes me feel a little less anxious about romantic relationships.

I'm introverted so I know what you mean about difficulty meeting people. But I doubt you're "weird". Considering that everyone's different, normal doesn't really exist. And we're all awkward, because weee all self conscious to some degree. One of the things I like to do is get involved in activities that I enjoy, because that way you know others have interests similar to you and you don't have to ask! Are you involved in any clubs in school? You could also volunteer; granted depending on what you do you might not meet people your age, but who knows? I know it can be nerve-wrecking, but if you put yourself out there chances are you'll meet someone you'll like, and even if it takes some hunting I'm sure you'll eventually meet someone you want to be romantically involved with.

[calmandcute]

Thanks for your help! I guess I've always known that those types of novels are always unrealistic, but I kinda wanted it to be realistic, you know? I think my main problem is wanting that unrealistic relationship, and wanting that unrealistic boyfriend. It makes me almost sad to think that romantic love isn't as special as I want it to be.

As for meeting people, it's hard for me to get involved in activities because I have so much school work to do during the week. It seems that every boy I meet has something that puts me off completely, as much as I try to ignore it, and I know that eventually I'll just have to woman up and deal with it, but it doesn't seem like I can a lot of the time. My "type" isn't exactly too common either, which is also a bummer. It's almost like I'm 15 wanting to live in a 25 year old's relationship. Like boys my age aren't good enough, you know? And that's a bit of a stress considering I want all of these things now, and I can't have all of these things. Thank you for being patient and listening to me!

[Sam W]

Hi Calmandcute,

Chiming in to say that I remember the shift from "I want a romance just like in X story" to "it appears reality is less than accommodating to my desires." What I will say is that there's more than a little luck and chance involved in meeting partners, because the person you like (and who likes you) and you have to be in the same place at the same time. But trust me, it does happen. Maybe not always as quickly as we'd like, but it does. I wonder, when you say your type is not all that common, can you tell me a little more about what you feel your type is?

As for activities, it can definitely be challenging to fit in anything besides schoolwork sometimes. Are there activities or interests you enjoy that you could fit into a weekend here or there?

[thewrit3r]

The reason I think so many people love fiction is because of that reason - it's an escape from reality to meet all our desires. It's exactly what we want in life and we're in control so everything goes our way.

With that being said. I think there is something beautiful about the "imperfection" of relationships. Perfection is really relative and doesn't really exist since everyone's view of what's perfect is different. And I really do believe that if everyone was "perfect" (i.e. our idea of perfection) it could become boring because the person is exactly who we want them to be, the relationship is, and you never learn anything new about yourself from that person or relationship. I think differences is what makes life beautiful, no one is exactly the same and deep down I think we wouldn't enjoy the same old thing all the time and would like to discover new things. And I don't think that makes romantic love any less special. It is beautiful in its own way, just like watching the sunset or anything else beautiful in your life. I gusss what I'm tying to say is that a life without romantic love is not the end of the world. Even if it's just now. I just don't want you to feel like you're missing out on something by not currently being in a relationship. I'm 20 and it hasn't happened yet, but I have no doubt that it will if the time is right and it's meant to be.

I like what Sam said about looking for activities during the weekends. That might be your best bet if you can't find much free time during the week. Another option would be to look if you have anything you do during the week that you'd be willing to replace for something else - do you watch TV when you get home? Play video games? If there's anything you wouldn't mind cutting that you do during the week you might be able to replace it with something else. But if not, the weekends seem to be your best bet.

I think we all have preferences when it comes to who we want to date. But if you feel like you haven't met anyone yet and it's frustrating you, maybe it's because you're comparing the guys you know in real life to the ones you've read. Or you might be more mature than people your age. Or maybe you just haven't met the right person yet. I don't want to sound patronizing, and I know high school sweethearts do happen, but many people your age aren't in serious relationships or interested in getting into them. It's just because it usually takes time to meet someone you want to be with, and like Sam said, the person you are in say, 10 years, isn't going to be who you are now. And even then, it takes time to get to know someone and to know that you want to be with them. In the course of the novels you mentioned, the person usually need their sweetheart quicker than most people do in real life. Some people date the person they want to be with for several years before they even get married. Love is about putting yourself out there, but it's also lots of luck. You really have to let fate take its course, as cheesy as that may sound.

[calmandcute]

After hearing all of this, I really feel much, much better!

For Sam's question, I guess my type is like a typical teenage girl's dream. A "bad boy" so to speak but is nice to me. The best way I could explain it is like a dominant, masculine personality. I feel this is because I'm very masculine in ways myself, and I want someone who I feel like is more masculine than I am and would protect me. Physically, I would prefer tall men, even though I'm a short girl! Probably for the same reason I said then, as well. To give a kind of example if I'm not clear enough (I know I'm not the best at explaining things like this!), I had a crush on this boy because he was really really sweet and funny. But, after a while of seeing him around people more, the crush died. It was because he let people do whatever to him, even if he didn't like it, and, even though this is kinda shallow, he wasn't much taller than me. I don't want to be "that girl", but I'm set that I want to feel protected and secure at all times.

As for weekend activities, I actually go out on a lot of weekends! It seems odd, but it's normally that I'm going to a friend's house or we're going shopping. The other weekend I even went to a car show! I'd like to be able to possibly meet someone one day, but I'm not really allowed relationships at the moment. I'm sure, with some persuasion, I'd be able to bring my - insanely strict on dating - parents around to letting me but probably not for a while.

The perspective thewrit3r just gave me on real-world relationships possibly just changed my views permanently! The way they put everything made perfect sense and gave me a sense of comfort I've never felt before on this subject. Thewrit3r and Sam's explanations of the way meeting someone might take a while really helped to calm me about the time it will take to meet a potential romantic partner. Especially how Sam said "there's more than a little luck and chance involved in meeting partners, because the person you like (and who likes you) and you have to be in the same place at the same time" which really got the point across to me, and actually makes me feel giddy and excited about waiting, rather than wanting someone right here and right now.

While I still do (and probably will) crave forms of romantic affection, it will now be so so much easier to not want someone there so badly, and instead look forward to the day I meet someone to give me that. Though there are still a few obstacles for me to leap with this subject, I now feel so much better. And this was such a big part of my life (it sounds weird to say, but I was lonely every single day), and I feel so emotional to finally have an insight on controlling all of this. Thank you so much for continuing to help me through my dilemma!

[thewrit3r]

I'm glad we were able to help