gender / gender expression ?

[videocassette]

I'm a cis lesbian and I'm happy being a lesbian but for years now, I've had this dream of "transitioning". I want to look masculine but it goes further than just dressing masculine which I actually don't really want to do all the time. I want top surgery, low dose T maybe, and to work out my body so I can look kind of like the male celebrities I admire. But I've been suppressing wanting to do this instead of actually doing it because I worry too much.

Transitioning is in quotes because I feel like I'm changing my gender expression, not my gender since I'm happy with that. I just want to know if you whether this makes sense to you or if you have same experiences because it's taken years for me to even consider it a possibility because it just sounded so weird in my head.

thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi Videocassette,

I do follow what you're saying, although ultimately what matters is if it makes sense to you rather than if it makes sense to me (or any other outside person). It's your gender expression, and you get to decide what makes you feel at home in your skin.

Have you had a chance to read about the experiences of people who are genderqueer or otherwise non-binary, or even just about people questioning their gender? If so, did it feel like hearing or reading about those experiences shed light on how you're feeling?