What happens between a crush and a date?

[radicallyunique]

So, this is something I've always been very confused about. I don't really understand how people get into romantic relationships. I never had to worry about it because I never thought I'd feel self-confident enough to enter into one, but now I have a crush on this girl and I don't know what to do about it.

I've never been someone who intuitively understood the details of social relationships and have always had to study people and create rules for myself. I try to adjust my rules if they don't work or they are too rigid. Some people think this is a far too scientific way of relating with people and doesn't deal with complexity but I don't really agree. I mean psychology is partly a science, but it allows for exceptions and uncertainty. Even in the hard sciences, you always suggest rather than say conclusions with confidence unless they've been proven beyond reasonable doubt. I think this is sort of how I approached relationships.

Using this method, I figured out how to make friends on high school and make sure that I was not alone. A few trial and error has helped me figure out how to do this in college. But I've never had a chance to observe a real romantic relationship. Fictional representations are confusing because somehow the people just know that they are attracted to each other and simultaneously make a move. It's even more confusing when it's someone you met in a situation where you could either end up friends or dating.

So this is me, just lost. I have a crush on this really pretty girl. I've talked to her and texted her a couple of times. I spent the night of a sort of party talking to her. Usually if I was trying to make friends I'd ask her to hang out at like a meal, a mutual event we are both going to, or watch a TV Show, or the school football games. But I'm confused. If I do this, how does this make it any different than me trying to become friends with her? I'm also sort of worried about not so much rejection, but that situation where you like someone and you hang around them too much and they're not interested and you don't get the hint. Because I never get hints. And I know that she's gay so that's not my fear. I also wonder, do people usually start liking each other at the same time? Can there be like a lag? And if there is a lag, what do people do? Do they remain friends, or do they try hanging out in a romantic way to see if it can work.

So I guess I'm just looking for a detailed manual about how relationships happen especially between a crush and a date. I get the after dating part, you try to hang out again, you maybe go on other dates, and you see if you feel close enough to enter a relationship. Or you stay in an awkward in between and try to communicate about the fact that you're not sure what you are. I think this site does a good job of explaining that.

An example of the kind of detail I need is, if I asked you how to make friends, I'd prefer that rather than say "join a club", you'd say, "find a club you're interested in. Go to a club meeting. Let the members know that you're interested in participating and assisting in any way necessary. Get the phone numbers of people in the club. Try to talk to them during meetings and make plans outside the club. Try to organisé many opportunities to see each other". So yeah, I hope this is not too much of a difficult undertaking, I'm just trying to discover how people work.

[wintergreen]

Hi!

I totally understand what you mean by rules. Good for you! Anything that works is probably good, in my opinion.

I've had one relationship, and it stemmed from a healthy friendship. Every good relationship I have observed started and (possibly) ended with a healthy friendship. Basically, start off as you would with a friend. You can flirt--Hold her gaze for longer than one might usually, brush hands more often (not an extreme amount more, just a little, subtly (everything should be slightly subtle, but not too much so, and get less subtle as it goes on)), things of that nature. I'd also say compliments. Also, communication! Tell her soonish you'd like to go on a date with her, once you've made sure you genuinely like her and that she's not in a relationship. You seem to work more by logic than anything, and making your intentions clear sooner means you date sooner and she understands where you're coming from. Of course, if you genuinely like her, you can still be friends if she doesn't want to date. Just be clear with that, too, and make sure she knows you're not just being friends to substitute for a relationship, and that you genuinely like her as a friend AND a crush. Unless you don't, which is also fine! Just communicate.

To answer the title of the question, "what happens between a crush and a date?" The answer is someone asks someone else out.

Of course, you know yourself best, so do what works for you.

[Sam W]

Hi Radicallyunique,

To add to what wintergreen said, and with the caveat that there's more than one right way to move from crush to date, communication plays a big role in what happens between a crush and a date. If we assume you've declared your crush and the person reciprocates your feelings (or is at least open to exploring a romantic relationship with you), then the two of you talk about when and how you'd like to see each other and decide on what you'd like to do on a date (go for coffee, see a movie, etc). You also talk about what this means for your interactions in places like school. Are you going to spend every lunch together? Are you going to tell anyone you're in the process of dating? Things like that. Really,there's a lot of trial and error involved, hence the fact that any manual I (or someone else) could give you would be incomplete.

[Jacob]

I can't put it better than sam and wintergreen.

I suppose if you're going to see it as a scientific process, then this is more like the experimental laboratory research part of science where you mix together some never-before-combined and brace yourself to see what happens, rather than the part where you explore known facts in a textbook.

This is the entry of the manual where it says "Now you take a risk of being misunderstood, or disappointed and say something radical like 'You're cute! I like you! Do you want this to be a date thing!' Good luck!

*hands you a lovely new lab-coat*

[radicallyunique]

Hey everyone!
Thanks for all the advice.

Wintergreen,
That was some really good advice. I think I'll go with the flirting for a while even though that terrifies me. And just see about asking her on a date after flirting and begin the journey of tons of communication. It was also awesome that you described what you meant by flirting rather than just assuming I would know. In the strangest way, I think flirting might be more straightforward for me since it is a little bit formulaic and it is more a performance and there's a sort of script.

I think what I understand from your response is that I go about hanging out with a ton of flirting, communicate and ask her out.

I'd be bummed if she was not interested in exploring dating me but she's awesome and I'd probably be fine just being her friend. Sometimes I just stare at her when she is talking because she is so beautiful and smart and I could listen to her forever. I'm also accustomed to being friends with people who don't like me back. It's just sort of an admiring from afar. It might take some time and be awkward for a while but I'll get over it.
Thanks again!

Sam W.
I sort of get what you mean. But I do feel like I already had a general layout of what happens when two people like each other. I guess what I was curious about is how do they both start to like each other? What happens between one person liking a person and feeling comfortable enough to ask the other person out?

And about an incomplete manual, I never expected it to be entirely perfect. But I couldn't do trial and error because I'd have no idea what to try. I think it's often hard for people to understand that every interaction is a calculation and in conversations I am often making conscious decisions. Something like remembering to say "how are you" after saying hi is something I've learnt by observation and I can't really observe a relationship happening.

Jacob,
*takes the lovely new lab coat and rubs her hands together to begin experiments*

I think your analogy sort of makes sense. I think even in exploratory science there is a literature review and the assumption that you're building up on previous knowledge. So I feel sort of confident that I'm not going on blind.

So thanks everyone again. I'm going to see her tomorrow at two movies we are both going to so I'll keep all this in mind