My boyfriend just told me he’s had sex with a man...

[juliaxoxo]

Hi guys,

I’m 19 years ago and my boyfriend just told me he’s had oral/anal sex with a man before. Multiple times (but with the same guy) In all honesty, I’m having a hard time with it. He told me that it happened during high school, for three years and that he felt like crap every time yet kept doing it. He doesn’t understand it either, but he said he isn’t gay. He’s 300% sure he’s straight and he never wanted to be this guys boyfriend or anything like that. He’s had sex with women as well.
He said he had no desire to be with a man but I’m really having a hard time trying to understand it.
If he’s not gay, or even bi..how could he have gone on so long with it? How could he have gotten turned on, hard, or orgasmed by a man if he isn’t gay? How could it have gone on for SO long if he isn’t interested in men? Normally straight guys have no desire toward other men.....I’m just trying to understand it.

[Heather]

Hey there, julia.

Before anything else, I feel like what we need to address is why you feel upset about this. (You sound upset, anyway: let me know if I'm reading that wrong.)

There are a lot of different reasons someone would stay in a sexual relationship, even if and when they don't feel good about it, or when something about it is outside their usual sexuality or sphere of interest. And he's going to be the one to have the answers to that most of all: he will know them, we could only make suggestions. However, the sense I get is that you're looking for an answer that makes you feel better; that what you really want is about you. We can also talk about some of the misconceptions you have (like that straight guys don't normally ever have any attraction to other men ever, or that people can't orgasm or become erect without attraction), but:

I feel like it's important to first address your strong feelings first and most of all. Can you tell me why you think this is something that has created such strong feelings in you?

[juliaxoxo]

Hi Heather,

I have no idea why it’s created such a strong feeling. My feelings haven’t changed for him, I don’t adore him any less, it’s just when I think about it...it kinda freaks me out. I know it shouldn’t, and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s the way I grew up, or that it’s just something new to me. Or it’s the fact that I don’t understand it. I’m working on it, I just thought I’d get some outside advice on how a guy who identifies himself as straight had a 3 year sexual relationship with a male. I really don’t know much about any of this. Maybe I’m just still in shock.

[juliaxoxo]

Hey there, julia.

Before anything else, I feel like what we need to address is why you feel upset about this. (You sound upset, anyway: let me know if I'm reading that wrong.)

There are a lot of different reasons someone would stay in a sexual relationship, even if and when they don't feel good about it, or when something about it is outside their usual sexuality or sphere of interest. And he's going to be the one to have the answers to that most of all: he will know them, we could only make suggestions. However, the sense I get is that you're looking for an answer that makes you feel better; that what you really want is about you. We can also talk about some of the misconceptions you have (like that straight guys don't normally ever have any attraction to other men ever, or that people can't orgasm or become erect without attraction), but:

I feel like it's important to first address your strong feelings first and most of all. Can you tell me why you think this is something that has created such strong feelings in you?

Hi Heather,

I have no idea why it’s created such a strong feeling. My feelings haven’t changed for him, I don’t adore him any less, it’s just when I think about it...it kinda freaks me out. I know it shouldn’t, and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s the way I grew up, or that it’s just something new to me. Or it’s the fact that I don’t understand it. I’m working on it, I just thought I’d get some outside advice on how a guy who identifies himself as straight had a 3 year sexual relationship with a male. I really don’t know much about any of this. Maybe I’m just still in shock.

[Heather]

Let's set aside how you "should" feel to try and talk candidly about how you DO feel, okay? Let's be honest: chances are that some of these feelings you are having are probably rooted in some homophobia or biphobia. It's hardly surprising, since most people have at least some of that living in their heads, and plenty of people have a good deal of it. Even those of us who are ourselves gay, lesbian, bisexual or otherwise queer usually struggle with internalized homophobia/biphobia. It's very hard to escape or avoid.

Like I said, the person best able to speak to his how's with this are him. However, since he just told you something very vulnerable about himself and because you are reacting so strongly, I'd suggest you don't press him with more questions right now. Instead, I'd suggest you work on processing your own feelings and talking about them in safe places -- like here -- and give him both some space and time to process his (especially if you had a big reaction when he told you to him, which can feel very rough and scary) before you two talk about this any more. Especially since what you want to know and the intensity with which you want to know it right this second probably has a lot to do with bias, you know? Again, I think it's best to really focus on your feelings first here, including because we don't know about this relationship he had: he's the one with those details.

You say you might still be in shock. What do you think that's about? What's shocking or surprising to you about this? Like, have you known each other a long time, so not knowing about this relationship at all, regardless of who it was with, is a shock? Or is it about your sense of his sexual history based on your assumptions, and this being way different? Or have you not been involved with a guy before, period, who has had other guys or men as sexual partners? Or...?