I'm not sure if my boyfriend sexually assaulted me or if I'm overreacting because of my past with sexual assault

[sa]

Earlier this year, I decided to finally tell someone I was sexually assaulted a few times by the same boy, about 7 years ago. Long story short- Right after this I started dating this guy who showed me the most respect and value I've ever felt, and the first time we did anything I freaked out and got scared and he was totally understanding and stopped everything. After this, we hadn't done anything sexual (except make out) until months later. I decided to find the courage to tell him I was sexually assaulted and I really want to take things slow sexually. He told me it was not my fault, but then started to kiss me and take off my shirt. I thought since we did this in the past it was ok, I suppose. But then he started to take my pants off, and I started to joke that I hadn't shaved and pulled my pants off. This kept repeating until finally I said I didn't want them off and he still kept persisting so I just let it slide. I was so uncomfortable, in pain, reliving memories from the past and honestly lost all trust and comfort with him. He was sooo good to me, and so I'm thinking maybe because he was waiting so long I should do this for him. After that I distanced myself and we are at a point of just texting every few days these past months and I'm so confused with what happened and how to talk to him about it without overreacting. Is this my fault, is it his, is it both of ours? (IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR DO ANYMORE)

[Heather]

This is not your fault.

YOU didn’t respond, very inappropriately, to someone’s disclosure about sexual assault with sexual overtures. YOU didn’t coerce someone into taking their pants off. YOU didn’t refuse to acknowledge someone’s limits.

This guy did all those things. All those things are his fault because he chose to do all of them.

You don’t owe someone sex or anything else for simply not being a total jerk to you. It sounds, unfortunately, like your bar for decency may have been set so low someone who isn’t safe or okay or decent managed to slip their way in and be trusted, then betrayed that trust about the second they could get away with it. I’m so sorry.

I would suggest staying away from this person like it sounds like your instincts have been telling you to. He is clearly not safe to be around so I would not suggest you continue interacting with him.

How would you like us to help from here?