Dating after sexual assault

[Jess@888]

After a year my dad noncontact sexually abused me, it caused me to become sexually promiscuously as I did not realize my boundaries were violated. My first boyfriend was respectful however his communication skills were poor as he did not communicate with me until he broke up with me. My second boyfriend was sexually abusive and sexually assaulted me a few times without my consent. After his breakup, I would put myself in situations with guys alone. I am concerned if I dated, these same situations would occur since I am still healing and this cycle will repeat.

[Sam W]

Hi Jess99,

I'm sorry that both your dad and your previous partner made the choice to abuse you (just to check, does your dad still see you or contact you?). Are you currently receiving counseling to help you with the healing process? If so, have you discussed these feelings in that space? And if not, is that something you're interested in?

If it helps to know, plenty of survivors worry that if they were to date, they would somehow end up in the same situation that they escaped. But, they realize that they have tools, including their past awful experiences, that can help them spot relationships that are potentially abusive (of course, even if the same thing does happen again, that's ultimately the fault of the person who chooses to be abusive). Would you like help brainstorming some of those tools?

[Jess@888]

Yes, I would love to learn these tools. My counselor is helping me to talk about this and moving forward in a healthy processing way. I have not seen my dad since two years and my mom has not allowed me to contact him. Now, I am an adult and I do not want to contact him because he is an evil and sick person.

[Sam W]

Got it, glad to hear he's not in a position where he can hurt you again. You could start out with this article about learning to date and be sexual again as a survivor: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... mate_again . This may not be something you need right this moment, but as you move towards a place where you want to be sexual again a resource we recommend is the book The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines.

Some other tools would be resources that help you evaluate the signs you're getting in a relationship to see if they're cause for concern. These two articles are a great starting place for that: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For . With your counselor, have you talked about the habits you feel are unhealthy and are worried about repeating? If you have, what strategies have they suggested for dealing with those?

[Jess@888]

Thank you for the resources. In counseling, I have been reading a book that my counselor wanted me to read so that we can go through a step process. For a month, I kept repeating and talking about the sexual trauma because I felt free and she will not assume that I liked or wanted what my ex did. One of the story's read, it triggered me because this survivor believed she makes men be perverted to her. This showed me that I had this perception when I am silent when alone with guys, and I believed because I did not fight back or said anything is why I was sexually abused/assaulted,

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome, and I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor and have a process that you're working through with them. It sounds like you've identified some perceptions about blame and passivity that you're carrying around and want to change, which is a great step. Do you feel like making those connections and starting to unlearn some of the ways you blamed yourself is helping you feel more confident about the prospect of dating?

[Jess@888]

Yes, I blamed myself for being alone with my dad when he was here. With my ex, I blamed myself for going his house and remaining silent as he sexually assaulted me. Now,I am realizing that these circumstances should me what guys I should avoid when I am being sexually coerced. I downloaded the circle of 6 app and my closest friends and family members are on there. I am learning when I do date that I have my goals and boundaries formed firmly.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear you're starting to unlearn that self-blame, and that you're putting together tools to help you out in the future (circle of 6 is pretty rad)! Is there any other support or advice you'd like from us right now?

[Jess@888]

Yes, how come my sister thinks I am a hoe and pyscho. My dad is a sociopath, schizophrenic, and pyscho. She thinks I was sexually abused/ assaulted bc I put myself in those situations and was stupid. I want to die bc this is damaging my character and spirit. Is there any way I can get advice to deal with toxic people because I met way too many.

[Siân]

I'm so sorry to hear that your sister is thinking such hurtful things. Being assaulted was not your fault, it is the fault of the people who chose to assault you and I'm sorry that not everyone in your life is being supportive.

I'm concerned by some of what you said in your last post. If you are having suicidal thoughts, or just need to talk to someone 2-1-1 (727-210-4211 on mobile) is a hotline in your area, please call them. You can also go to your local ER if you need immediate help. Will you do that?

I'm going to hold fire on talking about your sister in more detail for a moment, because I want to give you space to get yourself additional help just now, but when you're ready come back and we'll talk about that too, ok?

[Jess@888]

Thank you for your support. After my sister said hurtful things to me I used the Calm Harm App which I colored a mandala for 15 minutes. It helped me as the urge faded away and I became peaceful. Yesterday, my sister and I apologized and asked for forgiveness since then we have not argued. If we do argue, I will walk away peacefully and lock my door which my mom tells me to do. How come many of my friends told me that I like or wanted the things that my ex was doing in despite of me being silent, confused, frustrated, and boundaries were violated?

[Sam W]

I'm sorry that your sister acted in a hurtful way, although it sounds like you've found a tool that's helping you out around the self-harm stuff and that you're learning to utilize

People can have some truly awful opinions around things like sexual assault or abuse, for reasons ranging from having a victim-blaming mindset to liking the perpetrator and not wanting to think about that person doing something so bad. Are these still friends you spend time around? Do you have friends who do believe you and support you?

[Jess@888]

Yes, right now I wish to be alone by myself on an island to die. I cannot go to the college I was looking forward. I am planning on moving out because I hate my family besides my mom.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of heavy stuff right now, and like some disappointing life stuff emerged on top of dealing with the fall-out from the abuse. Have you brought up these more recent incidents and emotions with your counselor?

And, in case those feelings of wanting to die are still going on or intensifying: If you are having suicidal thoughts, or just need to talk to someone 2-1-1 (727-210-4211 on mobile) is a hotline in your area, please call them. You can also go to your local ER if you need immediate help. You're dealing with a lot of stuff, but your safety is an absolute priority, so if you need to access those resources take all the time you need to do so, okay?

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam. Two nights ago, my little sister and I fought. Before I went to bed, I had these weird thoughts to text my ex how wrong I was as I doubted everything. Today, I had a hard time concentrating due to stress. Now, I realize I am struggling with dissociation and I am going to tell my counselor next Tues. d
Sadly, my dad is a sociopath so once a while I go through psychological cycle breaks. Is it normal to doubt that sexual abuse/ assault happened to you? I talked to one of my friends at work, and I explained how I am being triggered by my past as I am stressed. Thank God, he understood me and the situation I was facing. My ex reminds me of my dad and whatever my dad could not do my ex did however my ex cannot hurt me like my dad could.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome. Bringing this up with your counselor is an excellent idea. If you haven't already done so, would you feel comfortable asking her for help coming up with plan for what to do when you realize you're dissociating?

To answer your question, some survivors do find themselves having moments of doubting their experience. Given that you have lots of people in your life who have tried to minimize what happened, it's understandable that you'd have those moments. That can majorly suck, especially when you're still smack in the middle of your healing process. Do you feel like you have ways to silence those doubts when you need to, or at least let them wash over you rather than sticking in your brain?

[Jess@888]

I have a difficult time processing things because of my mild autism, and I am doing to talk to my counselor about what I am experiencing when I see her next Thurs.

[Heather]

Just popping my nose in here for a second to offer up something that has helped me with some of this in case it could be of use to you.

That doubt anything even happened has always happened to me a lot, and over decades, with one of my assault experiences in particular. For me, I know that's about a few things, some of which are often at play for all sexual abuse or assault survivors: about the fact that I wasn't conscious for all of it in the first place, about how very young I was, about the way memory works when trauma occurs, about having it dismissed by police instead of being afforded the right to seek justice, about not being able to even talk about it at all with anyone for years, about how other abuse at the time being denied kind of made this abuse extra murky, and then about internalizing all the things we do from our culture that wants; that teaches us to do that us TO doubt ourselves.

One approach I found helped me most, and perhaps could help you, was that instead of trying to convince myself when those times cropped up, I learned to say to myself, "Okay, fine, but even if it did NOT happen, you still have these feelings (or these fears, or these trauma cues/triggers, whatever the thing at hand is), regardless, and you need to acknowledge and manage them regardless, so let's just move on and get to that."

In other words, I learned to be able to let go of a lot of attachment to proving my assault happened to myself and instead focus on caring for myself and healing regardless. Just tossing it out there in case it's something you want to try, too.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Heather. Your experience and the way you handled the trauma that happened to you; it showed me that I am able to process this as well. The doubting made me think of all this trauma occurred to me however I realized my senses that this trauma to happen since my boundaries were violated. This is still a process, but right now I am learning to recognize these triggers/ flashbacks then encourage myself to move on since I learned from my past mistakes. Also, I recognized that I struggle with guilt as I was silent when my dad no contact sexually abused me and my ex sexually assaulted me.