Being Sexually Open

[princxsa]

Hey,
So I have a small problem.
I’m 21, and I’ve only had sex with one person. I lost my virginity to my ex when I was 20. I wouldn’t say the sex was good, it was mediocre at best but our relationship wasn’t built off sex. Plus im a firm believer that sex can be taught. However, we broke up and I’m not going to lie that experience really turned me off sex completely and I realised that I’m actually not sexually open at all. I’m just a prude and I hate it. I still get horny like everyone else but for some reason I can’t initiate sexual conversation, or be suggestive or flirt sexually. It’s like I’m not promiscuous at all. I don’t get why I can’t just be normal. Why don’t I enjoy sex? why can’t I even be a little bit suggestive? why am I so boring? I honestly feel like I have a personality flaw because it comes so easy to everyone around me. I don’t like a lot of things sexually that are seen as so normal to everyone around me. I just don’t get why I’m such a boring vanilla chick who doesn’t even enjoy sex.
Help.

[Siân]

Hi princxsa,

Welcome to the boards!

You know, you're not boring or weird or flawed for not being up for being sexually explicit in casual conversation or flirting. The thing with words like "prude" and "promiscuous" is that they imply that there is some right amount of sex to have or to want to have, when actually we're all different and most people find their interest in sex varies a lot over time too, so suggesting that someone is having too much or to little seems pretty meaningless. Does that make sense?

Without a bit more information, I can't say why you haven't been enjoying sex. Maybe sex isn't your thing - everyone's interest varies - but I hear you expressing that you do have sexual desire, so maybe think about these questions: do you have some ideas of things you enjoy sexually, e.g. from masturbation? In your relationship, did you feel turned on and wanting before you started having sex? Did you feel like sex was a mutual activity where you were both looking for your own and each others pleasure? Did you feel able to say yes and no to the things you did and didn't want?

I agree that sex is a thing we learn, and starting off with yourself, figuring out what gets you going, what feels good through masturbation and fantasy is a great place to start that learning.

The one time where being able to talk about sex is important is when you're talking to a partner about things like safer sex and the things you'd like to do together, and whilst those conversations can be fun or sexy if that suits you both, they can also be really dry and matter-of-fact and that's fine too!