I took Plan B this morning

[LaceyRose]

It has been a rough few days for me. My former boyfriend came back for the week visiting his family, him and I made plans on seeing each other as well. On Friday we had lunch together and that should have been it but we had sex right after that. Did the pull-out method, something we did one time before, but this time I felt like maybe it didn't work perfectly.
But this morning I did make myself go buy Plan B. And I know it was something I should have done yesterday but I was just embarrassed about it, and getting away from my relatives with a good excuse wasn't easy either.
Took the pill at 11:20am. Had a bad headache and cramping but that disappeared by 5pm. It's after midnight now and I am feeling alright but I cant sleep, I think it's just from the stress of everything. It was maybe 46 hours when I took the pill. Packaging says its best to take it within 72 hours but preferably 12 hours. I am sure that I am okay but part of me thinks not.
And I know Plan B isn't an abortion pill but taking the pill just feels wrong. It's an odd feeling of guilt in a way.
Mostly i'm just worried. Any advice on this?

[Sam W]

Hi LaceyRose,

That does sound like a stressful few days, although it was a sound call to get yourself some Plan B as soon as you were able if you were feeling anxious about the pull out method not working. Too, if a condom wasn't used, are you both up to date on your STI testing?

Can you tell me a little more about those feelings of guilt and what they're related too? For instance, do they seem to center on beliefs about taking emergency contraception? Or are they more tied to the circumstances that lead to you taking Plan B in the first place?

With your former boyfriend, was the sex you two had something you were actively excited about and interested in?

[LaceyRose]

I have only been with him and one other, nothing more. He just joined the Marines and I know they made him take every test imaginable, i'm not worried. He hadn't been with another girl since he left anyway.
Guilt is related to taking the pill and just having no choice but on taking it. He was in me a little longer this time, and sorry for the XXX stuff here but after he pulled out I tasted some pre-cum when I gave him oral. I said nothing to him but I felt like he didn't pull out quick enough.
He is a former boyfriend, probably will not see him again anyway. Sex was not on my mind but I was okay with doing it. I think it was all he wanted from me, I just wished we talked about it a little more before we did it.
Period is in 2 weeks. uuuggghhh!!!

[Sam W]

Got it, thank you for those details. Since it sounds like the last few days have been rough on you, do you have some time today to set aside for self-care? Too, are there people in your life, like friends or family, who you can talk to about how you're feeling?

With those feelings of guilt, something that may help is to frame it for yourself as making what you felt was the best choice available. It may not have been the ideal choice. It may have felt like the least-bad one, rather than feeling like the best. But you made it based upon the information you had at the time and because it seemed like the way to prevent an unwanted outcome. Even if it wasn't ideal, it's not something to beat yourself up over, either.

You mention wishing you and he had talked about things a little more before you had sex. Do you find slowing things down or asking to talk before sex happens is something you struggle with? Or was it only an issue this time?

As a side note, the presence of pre-cum doesn't automatically mean that an instance of withdrawal was less effective. Pre-ejaculate may carry sperm from a previous ejaculation with it, which may cause a pregnancy. But when withdrawal fails as a method it's far more likely to be because someone didn't pull out before ejaculation happened rather than the pre-cum contained sperm.

[LaceyRose]

not exactly right but let me write the details on my way of thinking here. When I had unprotected sex with him the first time he didn't orgasm until several minutes after he was out. This time he orgasmed right after he pulled out, but I am afraid that maybe he wasn't truly out. The pre-cum was I guess you call post-cum???? I felt like maybe he didn't pull-out fast enough, and I said nothing to him but what I wanted to say was that he should have pulled-out minutes before orgasm and not seconds.
The first time we did this we had a talk about it and I told him that I was worried about it but he told me that he would only be in for a minute or two, that was what he did. This time we had no talk about it, he never asked if he could, he just started doing it. I was ok with doing it but a talk about it would have been good.
Plan B didn't cross my mind until the next day and I second guessed myself 1,000 times if I should get it or not. The next morning I got it but it was 46 hours after sex. I wish I never needed it and I just have a broken heart because I took it.
I keep on thinking about texting him asking if he did pull-out but I don't want to make him think I don't trust him and I don't want him to be worried.
I did talk with my best friend about it a couple hours ago, she will be keeping an eye on me.
BTW how I found this place is that I did a search for sex and Plan B and all that other stuff and here I am. I read a topic on here that sperm can last for 5 days. I didn't know that. That is scary! It is a weird sensation knowing that I took a pill that keeps things from happening but I also have sperm that could be floating around.

[Heather]

I just want to pop in and say a few things to you as Plan B/Ella/other types of emergency contraception.

Did you know they work the exact same way as regular birth control pills? In other words, there really is no difference between using Plan B and taking the pill every day (or using the patch or ring). They work the same way and do the exact same things to prevent pregnancy. Just like the withdrawal method is a method of contraception, so is Plan B. Either way, you're doing things to disrupt what might normally happen with intercourse in order to keep pregnancy from being a result.

If you aren't ready to be a parent or to be pregnant, don't want to be pregnant or a parent, or want those things but know the time or the circumstances aren't right, then using one or more methods of contraception is the right thing to do. You didn't do a bad thing here.

Too, withdrawal all by itself really isn't a great method of contraception. In typical use, it's one of the least effective. Your concerns about this are not only okay to have, they're sound. If you absolutely don't want to be pregnant, just using withdrawal wouldn't have been very smart. This isn't about trust, it's about biology, you know?

I do also want to say that if, at any time in your life, like more than half of all people who have the ability to become pregnant do, you want to do more than use birth control to keep from being a parent -- if you want to choose abortion -- that is a completely acceptable choice. You get to feel however you might feel about that, in that event, but choosing abortion isn't a bad thing -- it's often a very responsible choice as well as one that's very much in the interest of basic self-care -- nor is it anything anyone who has chosen to use or will choose in the future should feel bad about. <3

(Per the "floating sperm," they're just cells, not probably the cartoon beings you might be imagining. Just like you have blood cells in your body, and skin cells in your body, and bacteria in your body, there can be sperm cells in your body. But I hear you, if any of this is new to you, I'm sure it seems super weird.)

[SpaceCowboy]

Hi LaceyRose,

Want to echo what others have said that you have not done a bad thing by using contraception when you don't feel ready to be pregnant! In fact, you've really done the most careful thing you could under the circumstances, in terms of what anyone can do after they've used the pull-out method.

I don't want to make assumptions but I am wondering if some of your guilt comes from some kind of feeling that you've been "irresponsible"? It sounds (to me) like you feel bad because you had sex with an ex when you weren't necessarily intending to, that sex was unprotected, and then you waited to get Plan B because you felt bad about the first two things but waiting only made you feel more like you screwed up somehow? Almost like maybe you feel silly because you got swept up in the moment, even if you enjoyed & wanted the sex?

If that's some of what you're feeling, I want to say you've done a series of completely relatable and understandable things and you deserve compassion and grace as a human being doing their best!! Please give yourself a bit of a break. In the moment, like when you were with your ex after lunch, how to negotiate things like contraception use or when someone should pull out out can feel quite difficult. It's not something people are born knowing how to do. And it can be quite intimidating to work up the courage to get emergency contraception. But you did do that!

I find that our society often acts as though only people who are PERFECT at minimizing risk deserve any sympathy or compassion around pregnancy risk & anxiety. But we are all human. You don't have to check some series of "perfect behavior" boxes to deserve empathy and understanding around this. You're doing the best you can. I advise doing whatever you can to minimize your anxiety until your period comes.

[LaceyRose]

heather, I am not against abortion but I really do not want to think about that right now. I am having a hard enough time on this present situation as is.

Spacecowboy, you took all the words out of my mouth!
Lunch should and would have been it but sex was somehow part of the talk. I am single, he is single, and we just did it. Why a condom was not part of it was because he preferred it that way and I just said ok. My mind wasn't thinking, we done it before and I had no problem but this was different.
Plan B was in my head within seconds but I could not go down that road. It was wrong in so many ways. 2 days later I changed my mind and found it and bought it and took it, and now I can't get the shameful idea of it out of my head.
And he isn't an ex but he is a former BF because he left for the military but we have remained friends through facebook. I am thinking about unfriending him after I know I am okay.
I'll do my best on minimizing my anxiety. Just having you speaking my mind in your post was helpful.

[Heather]

I hear you, Lacey. I'll keep my discussion to contraception.

You keep saying that using contraception feels "shameful" to you, and that it is wrong. Can you try and say a bit more about why you think you feel that way? Do you feel that way about using withdrawal, also a method of contraception? Or is this just about using hormonal contraception, like Plan B? Either way, why do you think you feel guilt and shame about this? Why do you think you feel using methods of contraception (or only some methods) are wrong?

[LaceyRose]

because doing something beforehand is preventing something from happening, doing something after the fact is damage control. My dad is a firefighter, 70% of his job is prevention, the other 30% is control of the situation. I guess I just look at birth control the same way, neither one is wrong, but I did fail in a way.

[Sam W]

Hi LaceyRose,

Thank you for explaining that. I wonder, would it be helpful to think of all birth control, including Plan B, as being in that first category? Because in many ways, all birth control is prevention, although how it prevents pregnancy can vary. For instance, withdrawal or a condom operates on the theory of not introducing sperm into the body of a person with a uterus, whereas hormonal methods a designed to work even if sperm gets in. And, while you take it after the fact, emergency contraception is still technically prevention. As Heather said, it works the same way the pill does, by making the body a place where a pregnancy can't even get started.

Does that help with the feeling that you failed at all? Or is it more that the fact you had to do something to prevent pregnancy after, rather than before, sex is making you feel like you failed at being prepared?

[LaceyRose]

Sorry for not giving an update but I did get my period and I am not pregnant! I'll admit I was scared but I also knew I would be okay at the same time. Seriously thankful that Plan B exists!

[Sam W]

Hi Lacey,

Thank you for the update! Glad to hear the Plan B did what it needed. Have you found that relief is helping lessen some of those more negative feelings you had towards yourself for taking emergency contraception?