I might want to be a girl, but I'm honestly just scared

[iced_Coffee]

Hi, this has probably been going on for a very long time, but I started to really obsess over this idea about 2 weeks ago to the point at which it’s a large amount of what I think of. That’s not to say I wasn’t ever dysphoric, but it’s never been this bad.

There were definitely some signs when I was much younger, like there was a wedding dress in my classroom when I was around 4, and apparently I used to love that, but things probably began to start going when I was around 13-14. We moved house and my new bedroom was very close to my older sister’s old clothes, and I’m not proud of it, but yeah, I would try some on until they were thrown out after a few years. Then I began to think about being a girl a bit more, but I think it still just wasn’t a big part of my life, and I 100% wasn’t serious about doing anything about it.

But last year, I found the r/egg_irl subreddit, which is just memes about trans people in denial, and I related to so much of it and just kept checking it over and over again. Then I fell a bit deeper, and as I had moved to uni by then, I realised I could buy clothes for myself. But as much as it may seem I’m just a crossdresser, I really think it's more than that. Every time I try something on, it definitely makes me feel happier and more comfortable, at least for a bit, but then I kind of just feel a bit empty because I know that it’s not meant for me.

Most of my best friends over the years have been girls, and I’ve always connected with them more. I definitely feel like I fall into the stereotypically awkward and incredibly straight white guy, and I kinda hate that because I was depressed for quite a while because I never felt like I could talk about my emotions (didn’t help I was in a boy’s school for 4 years) and I still struggle. I also think that mens’ bodies are actually pretty disgusting and I think I’ve been unhappy in the way I look and the way that I’m able to dress for a while now. All this has lead me to think, if I was to identify as trans, I think actually transitioning would be a big part of that and becoming a femme man just wouldn’t do it for me.

But I really don’t know if doing that is the right thing for me to do. As much as I’m writing this and can see there was a lot of dysphoria, it was never crippling as I hear from other people. I’m completely fine with being He/Him, I like my name and I’ve gotten so used to living as a man. To tell people a new name and pronoun would be just too strange, and my life would definitely be much harder. I know I could be a more masculine trans woman, and I probably would, but I would absolutely love to be dad and I just don’t know how I’d cope before I ‘passed,’ however dumb of a standard that is to hold.

I think honestly, just any advice would be great, I’m kind of sick of this just being in my head without any feedback, because I have never told anyone about this stuff, so sorry if this is too long. I’d need to look into it, but I should be able to get counselling through my uni, but I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that. I think I just wish I’d discovered I might be trans 14 years ago, or just never have to think about this.

Thank you so much for any help

[Mo]

Hi Iced_Coffee, and welcome to Scarleteen! I'm glad you found us.

Ultimately, I don't believe anyone has to hit some minimum level of dysphoria or discomfort with their assigned-at-birth gender before they're "allowed" to say they're trans or pursue some sort of transition. There's no amount of misery you have to feel as a guy before you can decide that being a girl is what you want; if you think you'd like that better, or it feels more right to you, that's enough of a reason to pursue this, in my mind.

It's true that coming out to people, reminding them of a new name or pronouns, and navigating other parts of your life as a trans person can be stressful. It absolutely can be hard and distressing and cause a lot of personal upheaval in one's life. What I will say, though, is that it's very very rare for me to come across someone who regrets making that decision, despite those hardships, and that the trans people I know would say the benefits of living as your most authentic self outweigh the downsides. It's okay to feel scared, or to feel like this is something you want to think about longer before taking certain steps (or any at all), but if and when you do feel more certain, I hope that fear won't keep you from it entirely. We're certainly here to help talk through any worries you have as they come up.

Have you seen our Trans Summer School series of articles? That might be helpful to look through, if you haven't yet. The Am I Trans Enough? page may be of particular help as you're thinking about this.

I do also want to link to turn-me-into-a-girl.com, which I think has one of the simplest and most lovely exercises I've ever seen for helping someone think about their own gender identity.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Welcome, iced_Coffee!

I just want to talk a bit about something that doesn't get mentioned much: gender euphoria. Whereas dysphoria is discomfort/disease, euphoria is feelings of joy/happiness/comfort at affirming your gender. For example, when you try on clothes you like such as your sister's clothes - from what you described, this could be gender euphoria!

Some people don't experience dysphoria but do experience euphoria. Some experience both. Euphoria is a really amazing concept that we should really talk about more. You can find some cool articles about it when you look it up, too, and I personally find it much more affirming to think about gender euphoria when I'm exploring my gender. Focusing too much on dysphoria and trying to measure your dysphoria to try and seem "more valid", in my experience, only leads to more dysphoria and unhappiness and - for me - depression.

Being trans isn't defined by dysphoria or suffering. It just means you identify not (only) as the gender you were assigned at birth! Thinking about being trans in these more broad and neutral or positive terms might help you in your own journey to figuring yourself out and accepting yourself!

As for pursuing medical transitioning - try not to pressure yourself too much over that right now. Transitioning overall tends to be a bit of an extended process. It can be comprised of private exploration (different clothes, different hair, different pronouns, different name, stuffing, tucking, daydreaming/imagining), coming out to one person, coming out to a few people, beginning to change pronouns/presentation/etc. more and more in public, talking with doctors, etc. I hope this doesn't overwhelm you! I know it sounds like a lot. My point is simply that there is time. There's time to explore these desires and feelings more. There's time to experiment with these desires and feelings more. There's time to publicly present the result of these desires and feelings more. You don't have to be 100% decide on your gender or what transitional steps you might want to take for a) your gender/feelings to be valid, or b) to start exploring being more out about your feelings/desires. It's okay to try something and change your mind. It's okay to try something and want to take it further.

These changes and especially sharing them with others can be hard and scary no matter your age, but it's certainly never too late to start. <3

[iced_Coffee]

Hi mo & horriblegoose, thanks for the advice! and actually it was turn-me-into-a-girl.com that made me find out about the trans summer school, I think they link it, but I'll definitely look at the am I trans enough. And yeah, horriblegoose, I don't think I'd seen much if anything about gender euphoria, which is kinda weird when I think about it.

But thanks so much, I definitely think I just need to calm down, at least for now. It's very good to have these thoughts not just in my head and actually see it from someone else's perspective, thank you!

[Amanda F]

Hi iced_Coffee,

Just checking in to see whether those resources have been helpful! Did Trans Summer School open up any new questions you might have? What was it like reading "Am I Trans Enough"?

-Amanda

[iced_Coffee]

Hi iced_Coffee,

Just checking in to see whether those resources have been helpful! Did Trans Summer School open up any new questions you might have? What was it like reading "Am I Trans Enough"?

-Amanda

Hi, the trans summer school was definitely helpful. Admittedly I didn't read too far, because I knew I'm not publicly coming out for quite a while, but I thought the early parts explained everything pretty well and made everything seem a lot more normal. Although, I haven't read 'am I trans enough?' yet, mainly because it's exam week for me, but I probably will do next week.

[Amanda F]

Hi iced_Coffee,

Ooh, good luck on your exams! Hope everything goes well, and we're here whenever you have a moment to ask more questions.