The worst feeling.

[Anhils]

Hi guys..

So a couple days ago now, I had sex with my boyfriend- we both thought he was wearing a condom and he came inside of me. When he pulled out he realised it wasn't on- or to be seen anywhere. After a 6 hours I went and got myself the MAP and booked a doctors appointment and the same day began the Combined Pill.
So now, a few days later I'm racked with this constant anxiety and guilt. My boyfriend told me after the incident that it was all my fault and that if have to cope on my own if anything adverse were to happen to me, he blamed me for not putting a condom on- even though I was so sure I did. I didn't even want to have sex-he pushed me into it and now I'm petrified about being pregnant- given we had sex in the middle of what my doctor thought should be my fertile time and I've got no support from him whatsoever. I can't even talk to my family about what's happened. I know my next steps are just to wait till I can get tested, but I'm constantly so nervous and anxious about it all, I feel so alone at this point.

[Johanna]

Anhils - is this still teh same boyfriend you were talking about a couple of months ago in this thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 2333#p2333 ?

If so, the first thing I want to say is that this does not sound like a safe partner for you. This is a partner who has a history of being dismissive of you and your health, and who has been unwilling to support you. And now it sounds like he is also sexually coercive. That is not okay, and not what a healthy relationship looks like. I would encourage you to start thinking about what you might need to leave this partner. We are happy to help you and talk you through any of that. Do you have anyone nearby, a closer friend or relative, that you can talk to about what is going on and get some support from?

So, to the topic at hand. I am not sure I understand what happened - condoms do not tend to disappear into thin air - but either way it was the responsibility of BOTH of you to make sure that protection is being used. If he wants to use protection it is up to him to make sure that is happening. He can't leave it up to someone else and then complain afterwards. So if there is blame to be laid here, it is on him as well. But I don't think that is a very useful way to think about this now, especially in the situation you are in now, where the focus should be on dealing with what happened, rather than allocating blame. Please try not to feel guilty, alright?

It sounds like what you need most now is some help getting through the time until you can test. What do you think you need to help you through that? How can we help you?

[Heather]

I want to add that given your history -- http://scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php? ... 2323#p2323 -- I am actually concerned you may have some reproductive coercion happening in your relationship. In other words, I'm personally not so sure your boyfriend hasn't been sabotaging condom use in your relationship. This pattern of The Great Disappearing Condom is just sounding awfully shady to me, especially paired with the way he is talking to you here, which sounds emotionally abusive to me.

To boot, something about this guy, period, is setting off my bad-news alarms. Personally, I'd advise putting a stop on being sexual with him right now, and taking some time to reevaluate this relationship.

You titled this "the worst feeling," and I'm sure it is. From the sounds of things, your boyfriend either sexually assaulted you or was doing something mighty close to that, and there has also been a pattern of yuck here. When you feel like this, that's a big clue something is seriously wrong, and I think it's clear here it's this guy and this relationship, and that feeling is telling you something important: that this isn't safe or sound.

[Anhils]

Thank you both for your replies, i think I really need some advice on how to get out of this relationship, I know this has all happened but I do still care about him but what I don't care for is how I'm being treated here at all, I don't know how to tell him I'm finished with this.

Also this situation has come at a horrid time-my grandfather passed at the beginning of the week so now I'm trying to cope with that on top of everything and not very well. My university attendance is slipping and I'm just finding everything about 15 times harder.

In terms of the pregnancy risk I had too, it'd be time to test by the end of this week, my period - due to the Combined pill I'm on now wouldn't arrive anyway right? Or would I have a bleed once I've finished my packet (Friday 5th Dec)

[Heather]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather, Anhils.

So you feel like you are up to breaking up right now, or like what you might need is just a time out first - time away from this person while you take care of everything else on your plate first - so you can come back and do a breakup when you feel more able and less worn down?

[Anhils]

Thank you Heather, still finding it surreal.
I feel like I need a bit of time first- luckily given the circumstance he's caught on I'm not exactly myself at the moment- down and what not, so he''s given me some space to try and piece everything together. Though I do need to deal with him soon though before it gets too difficult to leave or something like this happens again.. I'm just not sure how exactly

[Heather]

I understand, that's why I asked. It sounded like you were already feeling pretty overwhelmed.

Do you want to talk now about how to do a breakup - is this something you have never done before? - or table that until you get the time you need for everything else first?

[Anhils]

Hi Heather, apologies for taking a while to reply.
By happy and obviously sad coincidence he actually broke up with me, as he had been seeing someone else and would rather be with them than me. Obviously i feel horrible but at the same time I'm slightly relieved that I won't have to deal with him anymore. In terms of grieving, I miss my grandpa a lot and I think it's having a massive effect on my work ethic and making me stressed, I'm not sure how too cope with it either.
Since the incident which is now up to 3 weeks ago, I've taken a couple pregnancy tests all of which have turned up negative and despite me not having a bleed after finishing my BC (a 21 day pack). Is this to be trusted?

[Redskies]

Hi, Anhils.

I understand about the happy and sad. I'm glad you have more distance from someone who was treating you poorly, but still, break-ups hurt even when they're what we wanted or needed, sometimes especially when the other person did the breaking up. It sounds, too, like the way he went about the break-up with you was continuing in his pattern of not treating you with proper respect and care, and that's crummy If you want any further support around it, we're happy to do that for you. We're also all right there with you being relieved that you don't have to deal with him any more! You deserve to be able to spend your time and emotional resources on yourself right now.

I'm sure you do miss your grandpa a lot; losing people is hard. Do you feel like you have people to talk to who can support you in the way you need? With you having some difficulties with university - so very understandably! - do you know who to talk to in your university about academic support? Universities are often very understanding about bereavement and are willing to make some adaptions or extra supports so that your education and records aren't adversely affected, and so that you don't have quite such a tough time trying to hold it together.

When they're taken according to the instructions, pregnancy tests are very reliable. Stress and big life changes can result in some wonkiness with bleeds, so that may be what's going on for you.