Coming to terms with sexuality -- beyond sexual orientation

[shyfox]

Hi there,

I have done a lot of looking on Scarleteen but this is the first time I have felt brave enough to register and post. Thank you for all the hard work you do educating people and creating resources!

I'm a queer autistic female, with some trauma-induced mental health disabilities too. I've had mental health problems ever since being a preteen and have been on meds for them since then.

I feel like due to all of the issues I've had to deal with and the meds that were prescribed, I never really got a chance to have some of the experiences with relationships/intimacy/sexuality that it seemed like everyone else had (though I know that it isn't true that everyone else was having those experiences).

I am frankly uncomfortable with the idea that I even HAVE a sexuality, even not bringing other people into the equation at all (have never had a sexual partner). How do I get used to the idea that I have this part of me and that I am allowed to have this? It's not just due to queer stuff. It goes deeper, into feeling odd that I actually am a being capable of sexual feeling/function. I know that what part of I am feeling might be from gender role socialization, but adding in being autistic and the trauma/mental health stuff, as well as the medication-induced... lack of feeling... well, it just seems super confusing. I know it's not simple for anyone, but how do I even begin to approach this and understand all the intersectionalities.

Thank you!

shyfox

[Heather]

You are so welcome!

I'm thinking the best place to start might be to see if you can't be more clear -- with yourself, in our communication -- about what makes you uncomfortable about having a sexuality.

In other words, why do you feel like having that part of who you are feels less comfortable than say, having intellectual capacity and intellectual ideas, or a spirituality, or a general psychology?

And why, if you have any clarity around this, do you think you feel like a sexuality is something people are "allowed" to have (or not)? Do you feel like that about the other parts of who we are, like things I mentioned above? If not, why do you think this seems or feels different to you?

[shyfox]

Hmm...

I do think people are "allowed" to have sexualities. For some reason it feels like that applies only to other people, not me, though.

I think part of it is that it's new for me to even be thinking about this, and there's the "new things are scary" issue. I live at home due to my disabilities and not currently having much income, so getting chances to think about this without feeling like someone's going to interrupt/look at what I'm reading/etc. can be challenging. I have a big fear of doing something 'wrong' -- it sort of feels like I'd be going against my parents (mainly my dad) to even have a sexuality. I'm not out to my dad and I am unsure if my mom even remembers that I came out to her (long story there), so in that respect, it feels like me being queer is unseen and a 'bad' thing.

And I'm ashamed of having queerness as an identity, especially with being autistic and having mental health issues too. It feels like I have a bunch of identities that make me damaged goods or messed up or something, and that it's not okay for me to have a sexuality (especially one that might involve another person).

I guess it comes down to being afraid. Afraid of hurting someone (not just with respect to sexual relationships) because of who I am. Afraid of getting hurt by being ignored/rejected and having my issues trampled over instead of discussed compassionately.

I got medicated when I was a preteen and I truly do think that it has done something to me medically in terms of ability to have/act on desire. I know that all of my worries are a huge hurdle too, but I am not sure who I can talk to about the medical stuff and have them actually listen without getting dismissed as 'just being anxious' due to my mental health issues.

BTW, I am in therapy but have NO idea how to even have a conversation remotely like this with my therapist. I'm out to her and she's okay with it, but we've never really talked about sexuality before and I am embarrassed and worried that it will make me seem creepy or inappropriate if I try to bring up the subject.

Thanks,
shyfox

[Heather]

Well, we're certainly happy to talk to you about it, but if you otherwise have a good relationship with your therapist, I think that would also be a good person to talk to. I do not think it's creepy to bring up topics like the ones you have here with a therapist. They're pretty core for most people, and certainly something capable and qualified therapists absolutely should be open, able and willing to discuss with patients. And most are.

By all means, being outside the proverbial box, as it were, in any regard, especially in more than one per how we might be used to sex and sexuality being framed, or per frameworks of what we might think of as sexually "normal" or "typical" or not makes any of this more challenging. Growing up with any kind of disability also often means growing up in or around some common frameworks of people with disability, and alas, the idea of people with any kind of disability as not having sexual agency, being perpetual children in that regard, or who only are seen as sexual "prey" of some kind. And that absolutely makes any of this more challenging, especially if that's something someone has really internalized.

In that regard, it sounds like you might benefit a lot by immersing yourself in some good disability resources and books around sexuality from progressive thinkers. If that sounds good and within reach for you, I'd be happy to write you up a little list to start with.

I might also suggest seeing what you can do not to think of yourself as broken. Long story short, the decisions about what is and isn't disability (or "normal" orientation) in the first place are deeply arbitrary. In another way of thinking or culture, those frameworks could or can be radically different, where the groups or people one person or culture may think of as with ability may be thought of as without, and vice-versa. I utterly get that many of the frameworks out there we're all exposed to are similar and do, overtly or covertly, frame things like mental illness, autism or homosexuality, as ways of being not-normal, broken or more complicated. But whatever you can do to really start questioning those, and thinking differently in this regard, is likely to help you out a lot. It's difficult to start challenging ways of thinking or frameworks, or change our own, if and when we're signing unto them or seeing them as of-course-right, if that makes sense.

One other thing I'll mention is that I think it's fair to say that most people, especially young people in most cultures, feel like most -- if not all -- expressions of sexuality are the doing wrong in some way, or going against parents in some way. But because we have examples of places where young people more rarely feel that way, and know that's mostly because *parents* are approaching sexuality more positively, with far greater acceptance (like in the Netherlands, for example), we can know those feelings tell us very little about the "rightness" of a child's (child in the sense of being someone's child, not per development, age or maturity) sexuality and a LOT more about how their parents, family or community have treated sexuality. So, I'd figure that a lot of those feelings aren't things you should figure give you useful information about your own right sexual identity or sexual life, at all.

[shyfox]

I'd love to hear book suggestions, if you have a chance to share them! I really like to read.

Thanks,
shyfox

[Heather]

You got it! I'll have a list for you sometime tomorrow.

Any preference when it comes to online vs. print?

[shyfox]

Thanks!

If they're free, then online is great, but I usually like print. Whatever you can come up with is fine.

shyfox

[Heather]

Got tied up with other things today, sorry about that! On my list for first thing tomorrow!

[Heather]

In terms of books, some good places for you to start might be with:
- "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability," by Cory Silverberg, Fran Odette and Miriam Kaufman
- "Sex, Sexuality and the Autism Spectrum," by Wendy Lawson
- "The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You," by S. Bear Bergman may be something good for those feelings around not being "allowed" when it comes to any kind of queerness
- "The Full Spectrum..." by David Levithan and Billy Merrill
- "A Positive View for LGBTQ" by Ellen Riggle and Sharon Rotosky may be just the thing for you, too.

Online:
- This is a very basic piece, but I also think it is very good: http://www.autism.com/understanding_social_sexual
- Can you give me an idea of what websites or writers online per queer issues or theory you already read or have read? Thee is a lot to draw from here, so want to get a better idea of what you feel like you still need.

[shyfox]

Hi there,

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll look in the library to see what I can find.

I have read the Sex and Disability guide by Silverberg et al. I've also read most articles here at Scarleteen. I've looked at the Go Ask Alice website run by one of the universities. Hmm... what else have I read? I've read a book by Eli Clare but don't remember much about it. I've read Stone Butch Blues (beautiful book, though sad). A lot of what I have read is YA fiction, to be honest, so I could feel like I wasn't alone.

I know how things work physically with bodies and that stuff, and I am probably not going to have kids, so I don't really need anything about parenting/pregnancy. Although I understand science-based writing, things that are more objective aren't really what I'm looking for unless there's a dose of personal/subjective stuff too, if that makes sense.

Ugh -- I can't actually remember the specific titles/authors I've read. Sorry about that -- not really giving you much to go on.

Thanks again,
shyfox

[Heather]

No, these are good cues, thanks! Will add to my list for you some tomorrow!

[Heather]

Redskies just very thoughtfully reminded me I left this hanging: so sorry! I will do my level best to get back on it tomorrow!

[Heather]

Sorry again for being so slow on this.

Bookwise, I might additionally suggest:
- "What You Really, Really Want," by my friend Jaclyn Friedman. In fact, I think that book may well be exactly the right thing for you around a whole lot of this. It works more like a workbook than anything else (which I think is awesome), and really centers a lot on the fact that yep, everyone is allowed to have a sexuality, and well beyond that, entitled to the kind of sexual life they want, whatever that is. And it has a lot of helps to help readers figure out what that is when they don't feel like they know.
- I feel like some Susie Bright might also be in order, particularly her older stuff like "The Sexual State of the Union," and "Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World."
- Meg Barker's "Rewriting the Rules"
- Some Audre Lorde
- This essay by Cathy Cohen, perhaps: http://blog.lib.umn.edu/isoke001/engagi ... 0cohen.pdf
- And this one, by Jasbir Puar: http://www.scribd.com/doc/37258579/Prog ... d-Capacity

(Also, perhaps "Exile & Pride" was the Eli Claire you'd read? If not, I'd recommend it, too.)

[shyfox]

Hey there,

Thanks for getting back to me! I'll take a look in the library. Also, a friend and I are planning to go to a queer bookstore (I've never been to one) so that might be a useful place to look too.

And you're totally right about Exile and Pride! I couldn't remember the title, but that's exactly it!

Thanks again!

shyfox