Friends with Benefits after sexual assault

[Jess@888]

Yes, I would like to receive information for what to do when I get sexual. My boyfriend said that my coworker did things without my consent since I do knit clearly consent to oral sex, manual sex, and sex although it was consensual. My boyfriend and I stopped having sex due to my beliefs and morals, and he respects me more than any guy I had dated or had a hookup experience. Thank you, Heather! The books you suggested that I read to understand how my autism affects me, can I get them without purchasing or do I need to buy them?

[Heather]

You absolutely can get at least some, if not all, of those books at your local library. With any library, if they do not have books you want in that branch, you can always make a request for it; so long as a book is in print, they will almost always just have it moved to the branch you use. Do you already have a library card? If not, I strongly advise everyone gets one: it can change your life (really!)!

I don't think that it's sound for us to try and figure out what you need based on what your boyfriend has said. He wasn't there, you were. And YOU keep saying "even though it was consensual" when you talk about your boyfriend saying it wasn't. Since I imagine your boyfriend probably also has his own feelings about you being sexual with other people around this same time, and he wasn't there, I think his input is just making this more confusing for everyone.

It also has sounded to me, from everything you have told us about this previous sex with your co-worker, that you did consent, even if what you consented to wasn't actually what you really wanted. But please let me know if I am misunderstanding that. Please also let me know if you feel like your autism or anything else gives you diminished capacity when it comes to consent -- if you think that maybe full consent with anyone isn't totally possible for you because of something like not fully understanding what you're agreeing to or you lacking the ability to say no when someone wants something from you.

I actually suspect, from reading all your posts so far, you are having at least some level of trouble saying no to people, and I also think it sounds like you might be trusting people -- putting complete faith in people -- right from the front too soon, rather than taking time to have them earn your trust and THEN decide if you want to do things like be sexual with them, or even just give them your phone number. But again, I feel like that's something I really need to hear you talk to me about to have a good sense of that.

The therapist that you see: can I ask if you see them regarding your autism? If so, do they help you with social skills like this? Have you felt able to be honest with them about the sexual things that have gone on like you have shared here? If so, what have they offered you so far as help with that, like ways of learning to make safe decisions?

[Jess@888]

I have a library card and I will be looking into those books when I am out of college for Christmas break. My boyfriend is caring and he knows what happened with my coworker. Also, I got high with my coworker afterwards which I really do not remember all of the details. My boyfriend thinks my autism did play a part as I was not fully coherent to the consent. My boyfriend and I had oral sex yesterday and to be honest he is the only guy I trust. However, I became catatonic due to my ex, who sexually assaulted me. I felt so bad but I would do things to avoid which he caught onto. Instead of that, we had sex. My boyfriend is the only guy I trust and clear with any sexual stuff however we both decided that we should wait a while.