I can’t find my clit

[brii]

i also can’t find my clitoris and i can’t feel any sexual pleasure when masturbating.i’m currently 17 years old and i’ve been trying to find my clit since i was 16 and i have no luck whatsoever. i also tried masturbating to see if it would enlarge or something of the sort, but again, no luck. additionally, i’ve gotten turned on many times and when i do try to masturbate i feel nothing and i get turned off. right now, i’m just wondering if something is wrong with me.

[Sam W]

Hi Brii,

I split your question of into it's own thread so we could address the specifics of it! I promise, there's nothing wrong with you; as you've probably seen on the boards, issues with masturbation are a really common topic.

To start out, when you've tried locating your clitoris in the past, have you done so using a mirror and the instructions for a self-exam? If so, what felt like it was preventing you from seeing the clitoris? And when you masturbate, is it that you don't feel any sensation at all? Or is it more that touching your genitals feels the same as touching another part of your body, like your arm?

[brii]

i did use a mirror along with my phone’s flashlight when i tried to find my clitoris. also, when i do try to masturbate if feels the same as touching another part of my body

[Heather]

Hey there, brii.

Honestly, I think that for right now, focusing on where the external portions of your clitoris are and trying to find them (and we can help with that finding more if you want) might be besides the point, from the sounds of things.

What sounds most likely to me is that what you're experiencing is probably mostly about 3 interrelated things:
• What you probably think you should be doing to masturbate, or how you do, hasn't met your expectations or wants in terms of what they feel like, and how they make you feel
• You have gotten a bit sour on it in your head, and are expecting disappointment or that "nothing" feeling
• You haven't yet been explored this enough with both a positive attitude and an open mind about what you feel and while trying some things or approaches you haven't yet.

Let me explain this a bit more, but without going on for ages.

I don't know what things you have been doing with masturbation as far as your actions, or imagination, or setting: what parts of your body you have been touching (not just what parts of your genitals, of your whole body), what kind of environment you're in when you do try and masturbate (like, do you like it in there? do you have the feelings of safety and privacy you need to really get into things for a while?), what tools or other things, like lube or toys, you're using, what you're thinking about, etc. But very often, people get the idea that masturbation is only about genitals and genital pleasure. A lot of people also don't think about *where* they are masturbating, especially when just learning, and how much their environment can influence all of this. Same goes for how many people often think that how we all masturbate looks the same way, has us engaging the same parts, and doing the same things with them. A lot of people don't realize how much our attitude -- I hate that word, it sounds so parental, but it is what it is -- influences our sexual experiences, and that it is super easy to psych ourselves out of pleasure.

What do you think about all of this? Is there any part of it that feels like it might be a missing piece, like not thinking about privacy, or not realizing this doesn't have to be centered on genitals at all?

We can also talk about your expectations, if you want to do that, too. Usually, when someone comes here and says they "feel nothing" genitally, they don't actually feel nothing. Like, if they touch themselves, they can feel it, it's not numb. What y'all who say that usually mean is that it does not feel AT ALL like you expected it to feel, and a big part of that unmet expectation is that it simply feels like way "less" than you thought it would. And there's some stuff around that that can help for folks not feeling satisfied like this.

You also might want to have a read of this piece, if you haven't already: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation.

[brii]

now that i think about it, i think it may be the fact that i don’t have that much privacy seeing that i share a room with my sibling and they can just bust in the room at any given time even if the door is closed

[Carly]

Hey brii -- lacking true privacy is something that can definitely cause some stress, which can effect how we feel pleasure. Can you think of any other times or places that are more private? For some this can be the bathroom or the shower.

[brii]

i’ve tried in the shower about two times but as usual, i felt no pleasure.

[Elise]

Hi there brii, sorry to hear that this is causing you some frustration at the moment. It can be really tricky to feel comfortable exploring what brings you pleasure via masturbation when you feel you aren't comfortable, or don't have enough privacy. Would you say that you were feely comfortable in the shower, or is it possible that you felt you had to rush/wanted to do it quickly/were worried you might be caught?

Part of the expectation that Heather refers to in their reply earlier on is placing the expectation on ourselves that we should feel something, within a certain frame of time, or that there is something "wrong". However, this can create stress, which makes it harder to feel aroused, and the more pressure we put on ourselves to get something out of masturbation, unfortunately actually makes things more difficult for us, and this is something that a lot of people have/have had frustration with.

It could be a good idea to take some of the pressure off yourself for a while by not trying to masturbate for a little bit, and instead doing other activities that bring you pleasure instead, be those active things like exercise, dance, being in nature, or things that soothe or relax you. We also have some articles here about how arousal and our brains work that might help you understand this a bit more, and one about options to give yourself some more privacy:

• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• Deep Cover: Tips for Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating at Home
• Why Does Masturbation Feel Weird?

Finally, as with other aspects of sexuality, there is no "one size fits all" solution. If you're not feeling like masturbation is doing it for you today, next week or this year or at all, that's fine and it's not something you "must" do. If it doesn't bring pleasure, comfort or both to you, don't worry, do other things that bring you those things instead

Do any of the points or resources above sound like they are helpful to you? We're here to chat any of them through and to answer any further questions or curiosities you might have.