I can’t get my girlfriend to orgasm

[l.cuttini]

Hello everyone, I have a problem that has been haunting me for some time and I hope you can help me. I'll tell you my story; I apologize in advance if I ramble too much. Three months ago, I met a girl, we are both 19 years old. We got along and really liked each other a lot right away, and on the third date we had sex; later, I came to know that that first time with me, was the best sex she ever had. A few days later, we started officially dating. Let me give you some more background. My girlfriend has a pretty high body count: 30 guys. In contrast, me, only 6. Both my current girlfriend and the girls I've had sexual intercourse with in the past have always told me that I have a big penis; longer than average, although not too long, but extremely wide and the thick, which, apparently, girls really like. Also, again from past feedbacks, as well as from my current girlfriend, I'm very good in bed in general, both in vaginal and oral sex. In the foreplay and teasing I've also improved a lot. Despite this, I can't make my girlfriend orgasm. I made her orgasm just once, using a vibrator.

In the past, she was able to orgasm with just another man, with a man she said she loved. However, she says the sex with me is the best she's ever had. However, the fact that I only managed to make her orgasm once, and with the help of the vibrator, seriously undermined my self-esteem. I'm convinced that she doesn't like having sex with me, despite telling me otherwise, and it's made me very insecure. I told her about it, and tried to figure out what she liked in bed and what she wanted me to do. So, I did everything she told me, but I still couldn't make her orgasm. After some time, she told me she felt like she was not enough for me, that she was weird and that I didn't like having sex with her. She thought all of that because I told her about how I got other girls to do orgasm in the past, but couldn't do it with her, and therefore put some sort of psychological pressure on her. So, I've stopped pressing her about this for about 3 weeks now, but even though we have sex regularly, I still haven't been able to get her to orgasm.

We’ve not been together for long, and we’re still young, but we love and care about each other so much. She said she loves me more than the one man who made her come in the past, and she’s my first real love.

However, the fact that she hasn't been able to orgasm with me continues to haunt me. I don't know if she really loves me, even though she says yes (and she seems honest), or if she loves me less than the one man who managed to make her orgasm in the past (even though she says that sex with me is the best she's ever had and that she loves me more than she loved him). I've tried everything: positions she likes, lots of foreplay and teasing, lots of oral sex, clitoral stimulation (she told me her clit is very sensitive and she doesn't like too much stimulation, in fact, even when she masturbates, or when she has orgasmed in the past, it is practically always a vaginal orgasm). I do not know what to do. Am I doing something wrong? How can I improve my technique of oral sex, clitoral stimulation, foreplay and teasing, penetration? Why did that other man manage to make her orgasm? Did she love him more than me?

Please help me, I keep overthinking and don’t know what to do

[Sam W]

Hi l.cuttini,

So, let's get the big thing out of the way first: whether or not someone orgasms during sex is not an indicator or whether or not they truly love their partner. There are lots, and I mean lots, of people in loving relationships who deal with orgasm issues. The reason for that is that--while our emotional connection to a partner can be one of many sources of pleasure during sex--our bodies aren't machines. They don't always respond how we want them to, and with sex there can even be instances where something that used to feel good or bring us to orgasm is suddenly underwhelming (or the reverse, where something that felt uninteresting suddenly feels great).

I actually think it speaks well of the communication in your relationship that your girlfriend voiced feeling like she was under pressure to orgasm. Since pressure in and of itself tends to be an arousal killer, removing that from the equation was a good call. But it may also help to take things a step further and just not focus on or worry about orgasm, period. Instead, what if you two just focused on making sex pleasurable for both of you, and if a orgasm happens, great, and if it doesn't, also great?

Too, it sounds like you have been able to help her orgasm with the use of a vibrator. Have you two tried that activity again?

[l.cuttini]

Hi, first of all, thanks for your response! I haven’t tried using the vibrator again, cause, it may sound weird, but it kinda makes me feel less of a man, if I can’t make her orgasm without the use of a vibrator.
I stopped putting pressure on her after sex, but I do still ask her during sex if she’s close to orgasming, and she said that she would like me to stop asking that. I started asking that, because, when we first talked, she promised that if she was close to orgasming, she would tell me. However, after a couple of times, she never told me she was close, and that led to me starting to ask her during sex.
I’ll share some more background real quick. At the beginning of our relationship, she told me she got close to coming multiple times. She did not tell me though, because she thought I was a cocky and she did not want me to boost my self esteem even more. And this resulted in destroying it completely and me starting asking her why she wouldn’t come and all the stuff I talked about in the previous comment.
I’m probably overthinking a lot, but it really upsets me the fact that I can’t satisfy her in bed, even though she says loves having sex with me (and I don’t know if I believe her completely even though she seems honest).
What do you think I should do? Stop putting pressure on her completely and wait? But what if she can’t orgasm after months even after that?
Is it true that she might not like clitoral stimulation completely? I give all of myself in bed and still nothing, and that really upsets me.

[Elise]

Hi there l.cuttini, firstly let me say thank you for being so open about sharing how you are feeling in this situation. Unfortunately there are a lot of not useful (nor based accurately in information about how bodies work) messages about sex and what "real men" should be able to elicit from their partners in terms of orgasms, so it is not at all 'weird' that you feel this way at the moment, however hopefully we can provide reassurance that you don't need to feel this way because it is the cultural ideas about sex, rather than you, that are incorrect.

In terms of using a vibrator, to quote an article I'm about to link to you: "the majority of people with vaginas -- according to most studies, at least 70% -- do not and will not reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse or vagina-only stimulation (like "fingering" that's only about vaginal insertion) only.", also, orgasm is not the only pleasure to be derived from sex, feeling pleasure during the process is not only valid, but an important part of the experience. You can read more about this, here: The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum.

It is also worth unpacking that sex is to do far more with communication, interpersonal dynamics and the sexual response system in the brain, than it is to do simply with how much physical "effort" that someone is putting in. Without knowing this, it can feel like you are trying really hard but must be doing something wrong, however in reality there are likely other things at play, including the dynamic where there is some communication difference/additional element to the dynamic, like your partner wanting to withhold information to correct a perceived 'cockiness', which you are correct is not great way to approach a situation where honesty and communication are key.

I'm going to put a few articles here, which I hope you will read, perhaps also pass on to your girlfriend, as I think you might find them useful. You may also find reading or listening to the audiobook of Dr. Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are useful as well.

• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• Yield for Pleasure
• Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots