I feel dread when it comes to sex but have a high libido, I'm confused

[AlexMaisx]

I have been having a lot of really confusing feelings recently. For context: I am AFAB and so is my partner. We have been together for over a year now. and we were each other's firsts for a lot of things and I am really happy with her.
At first, I had no issues when it came to sex and I really enjoyed it. A few months into the relationship, however, we had an incident where I experienced a good bit of pain when she was topping and we had to stop everything. The pain wasn't that bad but it did kill both of our moods. Ever since then, I have felt dread every time she suggests sex. That, combined with the on-and-off dysphoria I experience, has almost killed out sex lives.
I still have a high libido and tend to end up masterbating almost every night. In theory I would love to be with her like that and we have a few times but I havn't cum from her in months. I still enjoy topping and making her feel good but I feel dread when she offers to return the favor.
I don't know what's wrong with me, any advice?

[Latha]

Hi there, AlexMaisx- welcome to the boards!

Oof, that does sound pretty confusing. But it is great that you have such a good relationship with your partner! I think it is understandable that you would feel some dread after having a painful experience, but this won't last forever.

If I may ask, what were you doing exactly when you experienced the pain? Did it happen while your girlfriend was fingering you, or were you using a toy?

Don't push yourself before you're ready, and remember to take baby steps. For example, you could start by trying penetrative masturbation while she is with you, or if the pain happened while you were using a toy, she could try using her fingers instead.

[AlexMaisx]

We were using a toy at the time. It felt like a really bad period cramp.
We've tried just fingers or even non-penetrative sex but nothing really works for me. When it comes to masturbation i get off just fine with just stimulating my clit and my chest but whenever she's there it's like my body refuses to cooperate.

[Latha]

Hmmm, I see... would you talk a bit more about the feeling of dread that you described? Are you afraid that something specific will happen?

Two things: How would you feel about (a) exploring more non-sexual pleasurable touch with your girlfriend, like asking her to try to give you a massage, and (b) trying penetration with fingers and toys on your own?

[AlexMaisx]

The best way I can describe it is similar to ADHD paralysis where my mind says yes but my body says no and freezes so I can't. It's not quite fear and more like anxiety, like part of me is waiting for something to happen even though logically i know it's fine.
I have minor haphephobia due to some traum when i was younger so physical touch has always been difficult for me. I've gotten better but it is still a pretty major roadblock. But that mainly affects more platonic touches like hugs or handshakes or being shoulder to shoulder in a crowd, not intimate touch like holding hands or cuddles. It hadn't seemed to effect our sex lives at first but after that incident I think it's gotten more intense.

[Heather]

Hi there, Alex.

It sounds to me like, in line with what Latha has suggested, that you approach any sex with your partner here form the standpoint of what feels okay as far as trauma goes, rather than by trying to reach orgasm. Trying to reach orgasm in this situation sounds to me a little bit like someone aiming to have their shoe be tied, but without actually doing the steps of trying a shoe. We can't just skip over all of our trauma responses or other things that don't feel good to get to orgasm, because it's the feeling good -- usually both physically and emotionally -- that will get us there.

So, before you can bet to orgasm with your partner, you need to first get to feeling comfortable and experiencing pleasure without trauma. For that, you'll need to focus on what feels both comfortable as far as your trauma and pleasureable, whether or not it results in orgasm. Make sense?

It sounds like right now, maybe it's that you even stick with topping, however that looks like between you, because you seem to report that being 100% good for you with them. How about you try staying there for a while and then adding what you need to on your own for orgasm and seeing if, for instance, masturbating, but with them, is a step that feels right?