ready to date

[sky]

Hi. So I’m really ready to date and when I say date I don’t necessarily mean falling in love and staying together for a long time like yes that would be nice but what I want is to like go on dates, go eat, go to the arcade, have picnics together. The sapphic inside me is dying to take a pretty girl on a picnic and paint with her and eat cute snacks and fun drinks.

Anyways, like as far as that goes I do understand with dating often comes sex and yes my body says LETS GOOOO my brain and heart know to wait. I’m not waiting for marriage, just until I feel loved and safe and love that person as well. With that though comes to what I am ready for, what I want is a steaming hot makeout session with a beautiful girl where we touch each other over clothes, moan, talk to each other. I really want to be able to take a break if we get too horny and not feel stupid for doing so and have the conversation of are we both ready for this etc.

What I’m worried/nervous(?) about is I’m an adult and so many people expect sex and when I say yes I mean like oral and manual and insertive (not using penetration it’s such a icky word to me lol). I feel that being my age and wanting a sexual partner where I need a lot of support from it is asking a lot and where I only want to makeout until I’m really comfortable to take the next step is a lot to ask. So do I just say upfront before we even go on a date, I’m not having sex with you? Like idk how to explain or go about it without sounding rude because shit do I wanna have sex I just can’t mentally handle all of that right now and I’m aware of that and want to do this the right way, I’m just not sure how to

[Anya]

Hi sky,

What I'm hearing is that you are feeling ready to put yourself out there romantically but you also are conscious of your desire to wait to have sex until you feel safe and loved, and those things feel conflicting to you because of the age group you occupy within the dating pool. I can totally understand why you feel like asking a partner to temporarily hold off on sex while you build a deeper connection might be a big ask and both scary and possibly limiting, but the thing about being honest about your desires and boundaries is that it's going to allow you to find the kinds of people who are not only willing to participate in the kind of relationship timeline you want but excited to engage in that kind of relationship with you. Those people are out there and it's possible they're thinking the same way you are about wanting to find others who want the same things, but not feeling able to express that.

I know that you are concerned about coming off rude or not being able to explain your wants and desires to others so firstly I want to say being honest about what you want is the best tool you have for creating a relationship that you want it goes for before you enter relationships, during, and after. By allowing yourself the space to ask for what you want and tell others when something isn't quite right, you not only can make the experience better for yourself, but for the other person as well. How would you feel if you entered a relationship with someone who didn't tell you when they didn't like something? No one can read our minds, and we can't read the minds of others which is why it's important to explain what you do want, don't want, and are unsure about. All of which are completely valid statements.

Secondly, about explaining what you want to others, I think it would be totally reasonable to describe what you just told us! You are allowed to say as much or as little as you want to someone new, but explaining what you pretty clearly explained here I think is a pretty good template. A good strategy I use is to start by saying what I want given the context, my ideal situation, and what compromises I could make if I'm open to any at all. This gives the other person a good idea of where you're at as well as what are the most and least important parts of what you want. How does that sound?

[sky]

That sounds good! It’s just really scary is all. I just wanna meet the person already and have sex. I want to have sex so so so so bad it’s not normal how bad I want it and I’m deeply afraid to be in a situation where I’m kissing someone and I do feel that way and I go further then I want to and have regrets after. Every time I have wanted to stop because I knew it wasn’t the time when I’ve been actively in the act hasn’t been successful except the one time I started crying.

I want to be loved and cared for before I have sex with someone but at the same time I want to hook up with some random girl right this second. I just don’t know where I’m at and I feel so impure and it makes me so sad

[sky]

So another thing I haven’t mentioned to Heather or Sam in chats is I work with this woman who is very sexual and makes a lot of comments and gestures. I am out. There should be no reason they can talk about being straight and I can talk about liking women. Like a month ago, she made a gross joke and I was like girl bye and she said “ugh what do you know about a big dick, how can you be gay girl dick is so good you know nothing about them” and it just made me feel upset.

I don’t know about them. But what i do know, I don’t like them and it just felt like forced down my throat and I feel pressure to just at least have one in my mouth to know what it’s like.

No, before you say anything I am not reporting it, I know it’s harassment but she’s just a big bully and they know and do nothing about it so I just keep my distance from her.

I know I shouldn’t take that comment to heart, the same girl called me fat last week that was so funny to me she’s just unhappy with herself and I know that but damn it got to me.

I feel so so pressured by the world. I have one friend who is like pushing me to have sex with anyone, I have another one who is urging me to wait, I have another who is the most supportive and super supportive of me waiting but the outside world has no idea how it is to be in this situation of confusion

[KierC]

Hi Sky,

Thank you for giving those extra details about your coworker. I’m sorry to hear that your coworker was dismissive of your sexuality in that way, and I can understand how upsetting that may feel, especially because it’s an activating topic for you right now. I think it’s a good idea to keep distance from them (and anyone who makes shitty comments about sex, for that matter), and it sounds like you’re already doing that. If they say something that activates these feelings for you again, it may help to take a second in your head to kind of reality-check their words, reassuring yourself that, no, what they said is not an accurate reflection of reality, and it’s more a reflection of their assumptions about sex.

It sounds like you’re seeing that a lot of folks can have some really crappy thoughts about sex and bodies. Who is ready for it, who should do what sexual act and when, etc. etc… ad infinitum, basically. And while those folks might continue to say and think crappy things about sex, that doesn’t mean you have to feel that way about sex, too. I’ll say, too, I know it can feel like the whole world feels this crappy way about sex, but there are actually a lot of folks who feel the way we do about sex, particularly that it should be taken at one’s own pace. Chances are you will meet some more of those people, even if you haven’t yet.

I think something you can do is set boundaries and reality-check these statements when you hear them. For example, what would it look like for you to respond when a friend tells you that you should be having sex with anyone? Too, as a thought exercise: What would you tell a friend if they told you someone said this to them?

[sky]

I mean I’m really sex positive for other people, so if someone said that to my friend and talked about sex like I did I would say if that’s something they wanna do then I would say do it. But as someone who I don’t talk to deeply, I don’t know why she would even think that’s okay to say you know?

I tell people I’m not going to have sex with them but then I’m overly sexual with them. I’m talking to this girl and yesterday I was like I’m not rushing sex, it’s something that’s a lot for me and yes I wanna kiss a girl but I’m not ready to like have sex and I have like no experience and she was like experience isn’t everything trust me and I said yeah watch me be the best sex someone’s ever had and it’s my first time giving and she was like that’s entirely possible and I said “wanna test it out?” And then I said just kidding just flirting then she said oh so you’re a tease, I like that.

Who am I and why do I do those things????? I wanna do it so bad!?!!! I’m genuinely just so all over. I am going to therapy on Monday and I am forcing myself to finally talk about this all and I’m not sure how to start and I’m kinda nervous

[KierC]

Hi Sky,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling a bit all over the place with this. I’m glad to hear, though, that you’re going to bring this up with your therapist on Monday. I think it will be a great opportunity for you to say exactly what you’re saying here and also get some professional support around it. Are you feeling nervous because you don’t know where to start, or is there another source of nervousness there?

You know, it’s perfectly okay to show your therapist what you’ve said here if you want to — it may help them see clearly what you’ve been thinking about. Is that something you’d like to do, or would you like some help figuring out what to say?

[sky]

I don’t know where to start and it’s just so disgusting to talk about. Sex is wrong and gross and I don’t know how to talk about it like it makes my face feel so hot and I just freak out.

It breaks my heart I have nothing to offer my future love because I have acted sexually before and I feel like I don’t have anything to offer now that my first time for oral and manual sex have been taken away because of a stupid mistake I made in the heat of the moment.

I also just struggle with being a lesbian my whole life, I don’t wanna be 50 and someone to look at me with my partner and think like oh she licks vagina, like that is so so so embarrassing

[sky]

Also just want to say as well, is going to the gyno and asking for a blood work test for STDs/stis stupid? I have only had manual and oral but I did have one experience where I was with a guy and he was wearing a condom and rubbing on my clit while I was naked, and he took it off and was continuing to rub and I didn’t know he took it off until after.

A few months after that I started having some skin issues down there and so I went to see a gyno and all he did was glance at it and take a swab and he said everything was fine which I knew it wasn’t so I went to see a different gyno and she was with me for a solid 30 mins talking to me and looking at my labia at my sores and told me it could be herpes and I needed to get blood work to find out. Well I lost my insurance and now that I have insurance I just haven’t been to get checked and it’s been like 2 years.

I feel really hesitant because one it’s been so long, two I just feel stupid like I’ve barely had sex and I don’t like know what to say or what even to ask for. I’m afraid they’re going to think I’m stupid and also with the skin issues I haven’t shaved down there for the whole time and it’s so sensitive I’m afraid to and if they want to exam me, I am so like ashamed of my hair so I don’t want anyone to look but I want to know so if I do meet my person, I can be sexual with her and not have to worry if I’m giving her something.

Is that completely stupid? If it’s not and I go do I just say I want a blood panel of sex diseases? Do I have to explain I’ve had unprotected genital contact but not piv sex? How do I go about this?

[Latha]

Hi there, Sky

Our feelings are important, but they do not always describe reality. Being able to make this distinction is a useful skill — one that can be improved with practice. Is sex wrong and gross, or do you feel like sex is wrong and gross? Do you have nothing to offer a partner, or do you feel like you have nothing to offer?

If you think about it, I think you might be able to guess at how the staff and volunteers here would respond to these questions, and to some other self-deprecating ideas in your post. I know it must be so exhausting and painful to struggle with these negative thoughts. We can provide support and validation, but ultimately, this will only get easier if you can change these thought patterns.

I want to touch on some useful ideas from Kier’s posts. You can try to reality-check the things your mind tells you in the same way you would reality-check statements that you hear from other people. Since you find it easier to be sex positive for other people, try to imagine someone saying these things to a friend, and think about how you would respond. Remember, if a principle is true for a friend, it is true for you.

Therapy should help with the process of changing these thought patterns. I agree that sharing your posts here with a therapist may be helpful. You could also write down specific points what you want to bring up- that way, you can read from your notes in session, or just hand them to your therapist.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with that guy, and that it has led you to worry for so long. It isn’t stupid to see a doctor when you are concerned about your health — it is their job to help you. You don’t have to shave to see a gynaecologist — hair is a normal part of the human body, so by and large doctors will not care. The last time we spoke about this, I think you were 99% sure that you didn’t have herpes, but you couldn’t see a doctor because you didn’t have insurance. I’m glad you have insurance now! Routine testing isn’t usually recommended for herpes because it is common and low-risk, but you can still ask for a test to confirm your status.

You can also speak to them about routine testing for other infections (Let’s stick to using the term 'infection'- ‘sex diseases’ may come across as stigmatizing). I can see that you’re worried about what you should say/ask for. Fortunately, all you need to do it start the conversation: when you meet the doctor, tell them that you would like to test for herpes and that you would like their advice about getting tested for other STIs. The doctors will ask questions to determine what care you need.

Just FYI, some STIs are diagnosed with a blood test, but not all. You can read more about the process of STI testing here.

[sky]

I do feel sex is gross like there’s so much exposed and so many fluids and so many germs. I’m supportive of it for everyone else but for me that’s something I do see as gross like I am so sad I let those two people have access to me and now they are there forever their germs are inside of me forever.

I am trying to change my thoughts it’s just really hard to do so. I don’t feel like I have much to offer because all I see myself as is a vagina and people have already been there before so it’s like I can’t just be like oh it’s you I’ve been waiting for please have me and explore all of this with me because I love you.

Thank you for all that info about the gyno! Helps ease my mind a lot

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I mean, by that metric, life is gross; there may not be as many fluids involved most of the time, but part of being human is making peace with the fact that microbes, including those that cause infection, are something we're going to cross paths with. We can take steps to prevent those getting into our bodies, but some of them are going to end up there (that's before we even get to the part where we have bacteria in our bodies from the get-go). That's also why having an infection, including a sexually transmitted one, isn't some sign of moral failing; it's an illness, the same as a flu.

It sounds like you're still hung up on those issues we touched on in chat earlier this week, where you're stuck in this idea that your whole value as a partner is about whether or not you've been sexually active in the past. You know how we view that kind of thinking about sex, and that we're so not here for the idea that only the "first time" can be special, important, pleasurable, etc (in fact, Heather just told me about research that was a study ONLY of people who considered themselves as having great sex lives. The mean age of peak sexual experience for this group was fifty-two). But I wonder if it's worth bringing to therapy why it's become the idea you're fixated on right now. Sometimes, when we have an idea we know is wrong but we can't seem to let go of, that's because something else in our lives is either reinforcing that idea or making it feel like a comfortable place to retreat to.

Too, and I think we've touched on this before, given all the massive feelings even talking about sex brings up for you, steering clear of these conversations where people even have the chance to say some of this nonsense about sex is probably a good call. Do those conversations feel like they happen out of the blue? How does sex end up being a topic of discussion?

[sky]

I just am sad I can’t be in love with someone and lay down and open my legs and say like baby i love you I’m ready please take me and do this with me. You know? Does that make any sense?

[Latha]

Hi Sky,

As I understand, you want to explore a sexual/romantic relationship with someone you trust. Of course it makes sense that you want that. I wouldn't say that you can't have what you want, just that you may not be in the right circumstances.

I do feel sex is gross like there’s so much exposed and so many fluids and so many germs....

Okay, so this is how you feel — it is good to acknowledge that. Next, you could ask two questions: is this is a factual or realistic view to have? And, do these ideas help you?

To circle back to Sam's response, did you have any thoughts on the question at the end of her post?

[sky]

Sex ends up being a topic of conversation because I’m an excessively horny person and think about sex all day everyday and then when I sleep I often dream about it. I talk about it to anyone who will listen because I have no way to get the feelings out. Especially with me trying not to masturbate by using fingers, so it’s just made everything more like pent up.

I talk to my close friends about sex that’s all I have deep conversations with about it and just one of them pushes kinda, she thinks that because I’m horny and wanna have sex just to have sex.

Does that answer the question? I didn’t wanna answer it it’s just so embarrassing.

[Sam W]

So, I think one thing to start working on is finding ways to get those thoughts or feelings about sex out that aren't in conversations with other people. That's not to say it can never be a topic of conversation, but what's going on right now seems to be you keep bringing it up with people and thus ending up in conversations where people reinforce all those narrow, unhelpful messages about sex that you're already struggling to unlearn. In other words, you need to find ways of processing that need to talk or think about sex in ways that don't set you up for a negative spiral. That could be journaling, making space to talk about them in therapy, etc.

Too, with that thing you want to be able to do with partners, saying "I love you and I want to be sexual with you" is something you can do regardless of whether that's the first, fiftieth, or five hundredth time you've had sex with another person. The idea that the only time it's "special" is if someone gets there first is based on, among other things, messed up, misogynist ideas about how women are only valuable if you're the first person to put a penis in them. Like I've said in chat before, penises are not magic, they're just body parts, and sex tends to be MORE enjoyable the further along in life we get, so if you're in your 20s or 30s your best sexual days are ahead of you, not in the past.

[sky]

I never said anything about a penis in that conversation, I mean everything the first time someone put their mouth down there I thought I was going to like scream it was the best feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life and I’m just sad I won’t feel that again because I already know what it feels like.

Does it make more sense that way? I feel like I know how to explain what I’m thinking

[Latha]

Hi there, Sky!

I think your explanation is clear, and you can certainly frame it this way when you talk to your therapist. I'm just not sure about this idea- if your first time was very pleasurable, why does it mean that you won't feel that good again? As Sam discussed, there is evidence that people tend to have more fulfilling sex as they become more experienced.

[sky]

I just don’t see myself as more than a vagina. I don’t know why but I just feel like that’s all I have to offer my significant other because everyone gets my humor and love and whatever and the only thing they don’t get is my vagina.

So it’s like I’m in a relationship that’s just a friendship basically unless we’re having sex, which I’m not ready for right now and also like it’s been done before so it’s like what makes it a relationship like doing the same thing all the time gets boring and it’s like my used up vagina, how will someone want to stay with me.

[sky]

Another thing to is that, I just don’t know how lesbians have sex and i understand it’s the same way two cis people have sex, but it doesn’t make sense to me how it’s the same or how it’s satisfying. Like sex just seems so weird and I don’t understand it, and porn sometimes just makes me feel more confused.

It also worries me a lot to have sex because once I do, I’m going to wanna stay with them so I don’t feel so bad for having sex, but what if I don’t like it. What if the sex is awful. It’s like how am I supposed to know who to date when I don’t know who I like. I like girls yes but I have a huge curiosity for men and just wanna know what it’s like to date a guy who is healthy.

Again, I have no idea if I’m making sense.

I’m going to try to talk about it in therapy tomorrow I just don’t know if I’m capable. I think she’s going to think I’m gross and get uncomfortable.

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm glad to hear you're planning to bring some of this to therapy. From what you've told me about her, your therapist is likely going to handle this conversation well, so hopefully you two can make some progress unpacking what's going on.

I'd highlight those feelings about your value as a future partner being "only" your vagina (I put that in quotes because no ones value as a partner, or anything else, is stored in one body part). Among other things, the thought patterns you're expressing around it fit in with that tendency you have to view things in very absolute terms, when in fact the reality has a lot more nuance. What we bring to, or share in, a relationship is going to vary from instance to instance, and it's the way the connection between us and the other person feels that makes each one distinct. We could be presenting the same version of ourselves to two different people and end up with two very different kinds of connections.

Too, I think something to work on in therapy is to get comfortable with the fact that with sex and dating, as indeed with all parts of life, there's going to be trial and error. That's why an instance of sex being bad isn't the end of the world; it's a learning opportunity (and, honestly, something that's likely to happen at some point for anyone whose sexually active ). That's why "how do lesbians have sex" isn't a helpful question, because it depends on the lesbians involved and what they like and don't like, and the process of the two of them figuring that out together. Sex tends to be far more enjoyable, and far less stressful, the more we can lean into the idea that it's an exploratory process, rather than a performance.

I do want to touch on what I mentioned before about not bringing sex into conversation; even if YOU didn't mention a penis, if you signaled that the conversation was about sex now, that still opened up the floor for other people to talk about it, including elements of it that you know make you uncomfortable or set off those negative thoughts about yourself, which is why I suggest not giving the opening for that conversation in the first place.

[sky]

I talked a little about it today.

My grandma is now sick, and I just am going through a lot. I am putting a lot of pressure on meeting someone because I want my grandma to be able to meet my girlfriend.

I don’t wanna fall in love with someone that my grandma will never know. This hurts so badly.

[sky]

Also, I made two huge strides today. I cried a little bit in therapy about my grandma which I have never cried too her before I am very uncomfortable crying AND I bought a wlw book! And I read some of it so far! I’m enjoying it as of now being like a chapter in. Baby wins!!!!

[Ro S]

Hey there sky,

I love the baby wins! I think that mentality of celebrating the small wins and progress, however small, is fantastic! I am excited and happy to hear that you're starting to feel more comfortable with your therapist and are feeling safe enough to fully express your emotions in sessions. Congrats on that pretty big win!

First, I am so sorry to hear that your grandma isn't doing well. I understand that there is a lot of sadness that comes up when thinking about not being able to have your grandma meet a future partner. Can you think of things you can do now with your grandma that could help relieve some of these feelings? Is there a way that you could make time to tell your grandma how important she is in your life?

I get the sense that your grandma is a very important figure in your life. The sadness you're expressing makes total sense to me - feeling sad that someone so important to you may not get to meet your future partner is understandable and valid. I know that right now it may seem almost impossible to picture loving someone who may not meet your grandma. It's okay if that's too much to take on right now. No need to push yourself into that thinking either, though. Is there anything about love or relationships that you'd like to tell your grandma? Is there any desire on your end to talk about these topics with your grandma now? Let me know if you think that would be helpful to talk about here with us.

Congrats on feeling more comfortable in therapy and taking big strides in your self-discovery journey. It is no small feat and you should feel very proud!

[sky]

I tell her all the time how much she means to me, and I live with her and spend a lot of time with her already.

I just keep hoping that I will meet someone and she will like them. She loved my ex boyfriend and he was toxic to me and I hope she can meet someone healthy for me and love them as much as I do.

I feel extremely isolated like my family doesn’t seem to pay attention at all to how I feel and I feel like I’m just dragging down all my friends by needing some support, and like therapy is only once a week.

My ex was here for me when my grandma was sick last time and he listened and asked about her and would let me talk to him about it all and while that was still a toxic relationship, that was something that genuinely was the best part of the relationship. I felt like he actually cared about how I felt when I was going through family stuff he would hold my hand and just listen and I wish I had something like that again that was healthy.

This is the hardest shit I’ve been though, my grandparents mean the world to me and they are both old and ill and my grandma is just not good right now (she’s in the hospital) and I just wish I had someone to hold me while I talk and not make me feel guilty or make it all about them and how they feel. You know?

Maybe sex, like a hookup will make me feel like someone is there for me. I don’t know how to feel any support anymore, I feel like I have none in this situation