I hate being a lesbian and I don't know what to do about it

[DJDiva]

I really... think i hate being a lesbian. Like it's genuinely just a lose lose situation. It's so fucking lonely. I get a crush... nothing happens and when something does(example: with my ex. We broke up like almost a year ago) it just seems like im "forcing" someone into a relationship.

I've had crushes and I finally confessed to my crush, but I've been ignored for basically a week. I can't tell any hints and I dunno. It's like it's just embarrassing liking people to have nothing happens, it feels useless and like a waste of time. I'm always putting my energy, my feelings, etc into someone only to just be left alone. It only got worse when I realized I was a lesbian.

I just want to be confessed to first, like I'm sick of being the one who likes someone first. I want someone to like me first.... but i dont think that's going to happen to me, especially while being lesbian.

It wouldn't really matter anyway... but i feel like being a lesbian just made it worse. Like im already basically an oulier for my sexuality and my race... and it quite literally does nothing for me... like what's the point. I just dont know what to do with this feeling. It's really lonely.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, DJDiva,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling alone, and struggling to have much hope about your romantic prospects as a lesbian. That said, I am glad you reached out to talk to us about it. I hope we can give you some comfort.

I don't know much about your situation, but I think it is likely that your struggles with dating and loneliness have less to do with being a lesbian specifically, and more to do with your environment. Your crush ignoring you this past week is not a reflection of your worth as a partner, but their lack of comfort in being kind and honest about what they want. It is possible to find people with whom your race and sexuality won't make you an outsider, and who are more mature and thoughtful about the way they manage their relationships. Too, liking girls probably makes your dating pool smaller than it would be otherwise right now. In an environment with more sapphic people, it will be easier to find someone who matches the energy and care you have for them.

Would you like to talk about your what happened with your ex? Why do you feel like you were forcing her into a relationship with you? (Is that something she said?)

[DJDiva]

Hi! Thank you for responding. I read the thing I sent out last night, and I kind of was dramatic. I was kind of panicking last night because I've got to see my crush soon due to graduation stuff and we're originally friends so I was just panicking about having to see them... and it just made me spiral a bit.

For my ex, it's just, we were dating for 3 years and the first two were great(I don't know, my memory is pretty bad so I've got no clue) but the third year she just got really distant and it was always me planning stuff and she would like ignore me for like weeks on end... even though she was online and actively speaking to people who were like my friends so like I know she saw my messages. At the end of the relationship, after doing everything, I was still the one who had to break up with her because it had been 3 weeks in a row of like constantly being ignored... and I got sick of it. I felt like I forced her to stay with me because it seemed like I was the only one who cared.

[Heather]

Hi there, DJDiva. I'm sorry to hear that's how your last relationship went. It sounds to me like what happened is what can happen in a lot of relationships that simply run out of road for one or both people -- where one or both people lose interest and one or both people (one, in your case) start to just kind of tap out and pull away, leaving the other to either do the same or to try and hold on all by themselves. Ideally, with something like that the person losing interest says something so both of you can talk about what you want to do and have a clear breakup. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but I don't agree you forced her to do anything. She had the ability to choose to break up with you, but for whatever reason -- maybe she didn't know how, maybe ghosting is the only way she felt able to, etc. -- that's not the way she did that.

Liking people who don't have the same interest in us back is something we can't usually avoid no matter what our orientation is or what our dating pool looks like, alas. You're right, when your orientation is such that you're only attracted to one gender of person, and especially when that's someone of your same gender, it makes your dating pool a lot smaller, and that absolutely can feel isolating and lonely and really frustrating. I also get how it feels if and when you've been the only person in initiating interest so far, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.

Can I ask if you have any queer community you can lean on in-person? Do you have lesbian friends?