im not sure if im really dating my girlfriend

[devilsminion]

im honestly not entirely sure if i can explain this or if i am using this properly but a not-so short summary of the situation is that last summer my best friend (A) (who is not in my school if it matters) and i got close with D(who is in my school)and we spent all year hanging out and we became inseperable but me and A both slowly started to gain feelings for D. this wasnt even an issue between us because we are genuinely like siblings like to the point where we even bonded over our feelings and how we were jealous when she hugged her boyfriend or whatever, last winter D had a boyfriend that she regularly had sex with and when they broke up she turned to us and always said things like "guys lets kiss" or "guys lets do this and that". we never did it because we never had the courage especially because we are much much less experienced than her (as in A hadnt had his first kiss, i had kissed only one girl and neither of us even had a serious emotional relathionship before) but these phrases were always between us and no one ever did anything.

that was until A wanted to introduce us to one of his friends from school (O). When we met him he had a girlfriend but D fancied him immediately and we could tell O liked her too, he broke up with his then girlfriend a week later and then started talking to another girl but we suspected O might make a move on D.
One day me and A were taking a night walk around my house and we started talking about how we didnt want D and O dating, for some reason his idea was that we should actually let her kiss us the next time she said that kind of thing so we would be the ones to get her before O did and the very next day that happened. he kissed her and she was going to kiss me too but in my mind i had built her up so much i just couldnt do it, as in i got really bad anxiety and didnt want to do that with her because it didnt feel right??idk honestly.

This event is relevant because when O found out about this he realised D was serious when she said that stuff to him and decided to text her, that developed into them deciding to have sex on a day when her parents wouldnt be home and on that day they decided to date. And the thing is D tried to hide this from us at first but we actually knew because O told A who told me (theres more messy details but this is gonna get way too long if i add them but she told us later and it was fine).

almost a week into O and D's relationship me and D go out and we spend a few hours together then A comes as well and we come to my house. D usually has random curfews that her mom makes up on the spot most of the time and that day she actually said she can stay a bit later than usual so we decided to drink (i know its stupid and kinda juvenile but whatever). So we start drinking vodka but D is not drinking cuz she didnt want to(and like we werent gonna make her drink if she didnt want to) , A is drinking it with soda and ice while i am just taking shots. i stupidly decide to take almost 10 shots within an hour and i obviously get super drunk while A and D are mostly sober. because of how much i drank i was kinda out of it but A asks her if she prefers him or O and then tells her about his feelings and then tells her that i like her too and she just decided to kiss my lips upon hearing that. Somehow she ends up between us in bed where shes kissing us both and i am also licking and biting her. She left because of her curfew and A slept over at my house. when she left i started texting her and telling her how much i love her, how O doesnt deserve her and all sorts of things until i feel asleep.

next morning at around 6 am i woke up with the shame of what i had done along with the urge to vomit, A brought me water and just helped by being there with me after he heard me vomiting. after that i went back to sleep and woke up at 10 am even more freaked out because D probably would have seen the things i said and i like actually could not process what the hell happened and how it happened so i find my phone and see that she called me and texted me saying stuff like she saw how much we loved her last night and and that she loves me too.
i called her and she told me that she broke up with O that morning. i got dressed and went to A cuz he was waiting for me to wake up and we all start talking when D asks if we are in a relationship now and i look at A to answer because i would have said yes but didnt want to speak for him but he was unsure so we kinda made an excuse like "oh were hungry and hungover lets talk after we come to ourselves".
anyway me and A start talking and i suggest we should date her (this would be us dating her and not each other because we really are like siblings) but he says that he might not be ready for a relationship because it would take too much energy from him and talking to someone everyday would be too much pressure for him. i dont know how we decided to just do it anyway but thats what happened, we told her we want to date her and the next few days we all did the classic things like good morning texts and etc. but it still felt a little dry?
i think this was because (from my pov at least) A just didnt want to do the work, D expected it from us and i was too scared to act clingy or text her randomly because in her previous relationships when they would text her she would always act annoyed and said stuff about them so it kinda made me scared to text her even though i thought about it a lot.

2 days after that me and D met up and had breakfast where we were okay but then we came to my house and A said he was too tired to come even though he was going to come after working (he works part time) and after that we were both bummed out and i ended sleeping while hugging her which made me feel really bad cuz it was like i brought her here to sleep?? i just doubted myself a lot.
another 2 days later we were going to hang out again but A cancelled because of something with his mom and they had sort of a fight where D said things like "do you have a problem with me?" , "why do you keep cancelling plans when im there?" and A got mad at her for thinking everything is about her. i felt bad because i couldnt solve the problem between them and i know it shouldnt be my responsibility to fix their problems but i have a little bit of a saviour complex. i tortured myself for hours and told A that i feel bad because WE made her feel bad (now i realise i did literally nothing) and he told me to call her which i did. she answered very normally when i did and said she wasnt mad but i kept apologising because i really felt horrible, she said she was doing something and hung up.

and again after 2 day we ended up having a last minute barbecue with my parents where she caught a very short moment with me and said i dont think we are really dating and i said i agree with her, before either of us could elaborate my mom called me into the kitchen to help and no one said anything about that again. after we ate my dad dropped us all at my house and we went into my room. in my room we all went into bed (nothing weird just in bed with her in the middle) and she was mostly turned to A which made me get mad and leave without saying anything. this doubled as a test to see if they would come get me. they didnt come looking for me until her parents came to pick her up (40 minutes later btw) and when they did i thought it would be embarrasing to come out so i hid in a corner where they wouldnt look for me (i dont know why i just acted like a child in that moment but i did). they ended up finding me and she kissed my lips said bye and they both left (her parents dropped him off) the next day which was 2 days ago(why is everything happening in two day intervals) we went out to eat at mcdonalds and we spent like an hour there and then went to As house. i was still mad at both of them cuz i felt like they just didnt care about me and left me but we warmed up and she ended up kissing both of our necks. but i noticed she did it more to him. like way more and this isnt even just me saying this A agreed that she gives 2/3 of attention to him. anyhow when her parents called her saying they were there to pick her up she kissed my lips then As and left.

As a result of her seemingly giving more attention to him i started to doubt myself in the way that maybe its because im a girl or that im doing something wrong and maybe i should do this or that and she doesnt actually like me but she wanted to be with A and is just tolerating me to get to him. i can tell this is kind of a spiral but my mind just cant help but make me think these things and i dont know what to think or even do. especially when i say it all like this im just thinking how this is so stupid like we are still in highschool how did we even fall into this situation??
i know this is very lengthy and complicated but i really dont know if i should even do anything if i can do anything because i know i dont want to just distance myself since them being together will literally make my soul rot up inside my body and A isnt even taking this fully seriously compared to me. hes just having fun knowing shes going to leave for uni in september anyway while i genuinely really really really like her and want to be with her which is why im so hurt when she directs her attention to him. and as a side note i am not mad at him (or anyone) at all because its not his fault hes just part of the situation.

im just asking for advice on if i should even do anything at all but thank you to anyone who even got through this mess and thank you even more if you have any input on the situation.

[amber]

Hi devilsminion and welcome to the boards!

It sounds like you got a lot going on! I did my best to read through and understand your situation here and from what I gathered it sounds like some honest conversations need to be had. It is clear that you care about these people, so I think you owe it to each other to share how you've been feeling.

We have a ton of articles on our site which I think could be helpful for you. Would you be interested in reading them? I linked them here for you to check out if you'd like.

Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

Relationship Structure and Troubleshooting: Navigating Poly Relationships

Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

We'd be more than happy to talk through anything within the articles as well!

How are you feeling about the idea of having a more honest conversation with your partners?

[devilsminion]

im honestly terrible with confrontation but if i have a solid idea on what to actually say and someone to back me up (A totally would) then maybe i could bring it up? im not too sure.

[mikky]

hey devilsminion,
I think the idea of "confrontation" is pretty tied up for a lot of us in fighting/anger/upset. It doesn't have to be that way, and you might find it helpful to think about this as a conversation rather than a confrontation. While we don't know how D will react or what she will say, we do know that how things are right now is causing you a great deal of stress and upset, and it doesn't seem like the current trend is going to get you anywhere healthy. Why do you feel that you need A to back you up on this? I would argue that sharing your feelings and trying to figure out what expectations, boundaries, ideas, and feelings everyone else involved has should not require "backup," and that listening to what A and D have to say will be an equal part to sharing your experience.

[devilsminion]

im not sure i exactly need A to back me up but i do know that if i tell him how i feel he would absolutely back me up anyway and if he did disagree with something i had to say he would just tell me because like we are so close and always tell each other everything and i really mean everything. there is no tmi in our friendship.

[amber]

Hi again!

Have you had a chance to read through the articles I shared? I think it may offer some perspectives about how to go about those conversations.

I also wanted to say that, although it is great you want to talk with D, I think it is just as important to have a conversation with A. It sounds like there is some miscommunication and some differing desires that the three of you would benefit to talk through.