Trying to enjoy sex

[xashx]

Hi I'm pretty new to having sex and I've honestly been struggling to enjoy it. My partner's penis is on the larger side and I've been having difficulty trying to accommodate to it. Is there anything I can do in this situation? I really want to enjoy sex.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Xashx!

It is very likely that there are things that you and your partner can try so that you can enjoy sex with them more. It might take some trial and error, but we can chat about what that might look like.

I have a few questions to start, just to understand what is happening:

• It sounds like you are having trouble enjoying intercourse with your partner, and I am guessing that this is penis-in-vagina sex. Is that right? Are you trying to have this kind of sex because you want it for yourself, not just your partner?

• Can you tell us more about the difficulty you've noticed? Is there pain, or is it that you are having trouble inserting their penis inside in the first place?

• If there is pain, where is it located? (Towards the back, or at the entrance perhaps?)

• Have you tried insertion with smaller objects, like fingers? Do you have the same difficulties with that?

Intercourse is just one of many pleasurable ways you can have sex with your partner. While we explore possible solutions, if it isn't working for you two right now, intercourse doesn't have to be the focus of what you do together. Are there any other sexual activities that you have been able to enjoy with your partner?

[xashx]

Yes, it is penis-in-vagina sex and yes I do want to enjoy it for myself. I don't have any pain it's just been difficult to insert and I struggle to take it all the way.

[Latha]

Hi there, Xashx!

Thanks for answering those questions! It is good to know that you are not dealing with any pain.

Can you tell us more about the difficulties you've noticed as you try to insert? Is the issue that you two often can't insert the penis inside, or that it takes more time or preparation than you would like? Equally, when you say you struggle to take it all the way: Do you mean that part of your partner's penis is outside your body while you feel like it can't go inside any further, or something else? Detailing the problem will help us identify what could help.

Experimenting with positions can make it easier to accommodate more of your partner's penis, but it is possible for it to be a length that you can't take comfortably. If that is the case, you two can still have pleasurable sex--it may just take some adjustment. If your partner prefers to have sensation at the base of their penis, you two could stimulate the area manually, or use a toy like a depth limiting ring or sleeve. How does that sound to you?

[xashx]

It definitely takes more time and preparation and it does feel like it can't go any further sometimes like it's too tight. What positions would be best to experiment with? I have been meaning to try other ones.

[KierC]

Hey xashx,

When it feels painful and like it can’t go any further, it’s a good time to take a break or lessen the amount you’re trying to insert. Have you tried practicing with just a finger in your own time, with lubrication? Too, do you generally feel aroused and “ready” for insertion when you try it?

[xashx]

Yes, I have put a finger in with and without lubrication and that's been no issue. I definitely make sure I'm aroused and ready before insertion.

[Latha]

Hi Xashx,

If a single finger works fine, I think the next step would be to work up to using more fingers/bigger objects for insertion. Starting small like that, going slow, and using lube can make it easier to insert larger objects without discomfort. Is this something you've tried?

What positions would be best to experiment with? I have been meaning to try other ones.

I don't know that I could advise on the best positions to experiment with, since everyone is different, but you might consider positions that allow you more control over insertion, like being on top.

[xashx]

Yes, I have been experimenting with more fingers and I've been considering about getting a dildo possibly.

[KierC]

As Latha said, you’re right on track with experimenting with fingers, it’s just important to start with less fingers until it becomes comfortable to add more. It’s very normal and okay if this takes time, and it’s also normal and okay if vaginal entry just doesn’t feel good for you. Not everybody enjoys vaginal entry, and there’s plenty of ways to experience pleasureful sex apart from that! How does hearing that make you feel?

I also wanted to ask, are you involving other erogenous zones like your clitoris in combination with, or before attempting vaginal entry? That can be really helpful in easing yourself into vaginal entry and can make your pelvic floor more relaxed if it feels good for you to engage other parts of your body apart from penis-in-vagina sex.

[xashx]

I usually rub my clitoris and nipples before and during.

[char]

Hi xashx,

That's good to know—nipple and clitoral stimulation can definitely help. Have you talked to your partner that you've found it difficult to feel good during penis-in-vagina sex and ask for their help in making it feel better for you? If you have, how was their reaction? After all, there are two people involved in this sexual relationship, so it's important for both of you to be able communicate your needs. You might want to let your partner know that you've been worried about not being able to fit your partner's entire penis, that it would be helpful for them to help with stimulating your nipples and clitoris, and that you'd like to try other positions. What do you think?

[xashx]

Yes, we have talked about it before and he's been pretty good at being gentle and going slow but it still feels way too big sometimes. Would me being on top be a good position to try?

[char]

If the two of you are interested, I don't see why not! I think it's worth giving a shot. I'd also like to share these articles with you which talk about the things we've discussed here:
- Too big for me?
- The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum
- From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

[xashx]

Thanks, I was able to take more of him without it feeling too much last time. I just want my goal to be able to take him with no issues so we both feel great during intercourse.

[Heather]

Hey there, xashx:

One thing I want to mention here that hasn't been mentioned to you by anyone else yet is that goal-oriented sex tends to be at odds with pleasure-oriented sex, and the latter is the way for anyone to go who is interested in sex that everyone enjoys and feels good having. Putting "goals" on sex, including one like this, tends to get in the way of the experience of pleasure, which is much more open-ended and much more about going with the flow of what actually feels good to everyone, rather than being about people trying to do things they think they have to or think must go a certain way. In your case, with something like this, a focus on your pleasure, in particular, will be much more likely to result in genital intercourse feeling as good as it can be as making that a goal would be.

In case that's not clear, for example, if you were to focus on things that feel really good to you, especially to the point that you're reaching orgasm from those things first, and THEN try intercourse, your vaginal canal and everything around it would be both more relaxed muscularly -- which means it's more flexible to taking in and holding things inside of it -- and more sensitive in the good ways. Some of intercourse feeling good for everyone often isn't actually about the intercourse itself, but about what other things you're both doing WITH it (as opposed to only having intercourse and not doing things like say, kissing, or breast stimulation, or something emotional, or something like fingers or a toy to add external clitoral stimulus), and about what you do before it even starts.

I also want to make sure that you and your partner know that intercourse doesn't always mean that someone with a penis will be inside another person's vagina or anus to the base of their penis. For people with larger penises that are longer, that just won't always be something that works for their partners, since both of those orifices have an end. But if you want to know about a couple of things that can alter that, the first is that when someone with a vagina is very sexually excited, typically the vaginal canal lengthens. If we're nervous, frustrated, anxious or just not super turned on, that canal is shorter, so that can limit how deep anything can go inside of it.

There's also a sex tool called the oh-nut, which is a soft silicone ring that goes on the base of the penis to ease intercourse for folks where depth doesn't feel good or right by providing a sort of bumper that also provides sensation where it's worn to the person with a penis. That's available online from the maker (The Pelvic People is the name of the company) and also from sex shops.

Lastly, I want to find out some about how you two have been going about this: is your partner being very gradual when it comes to pressing his penis and pelvis into your vagina, with you two communicating as you go, and with him paying attention to how much or how little your vagina is pulling him inside? Intercourse isn't just about one person pushing in, after all, it's also about moving forward only when you feel the vaginal muscles loosening and pulling in a little (something that can something be easier for people to learn to notice with manual sex, sex with fingers, and then pay attention to with intercourse). And on the days where it feels like too much, do you two both know it might just be that that day isn't the right one for intercourse, and instead might be a day to focus on other kinds of sex? Even people who have intercourse together without trouble can find that some days it just is not the right thing for any number of reasons.

[xashx]

Yeah, he's been gradual pressing his penis inside as I tell him how much I can handle after the tip of his penis enters my vagina. I definitely been anxious during it still even though I make sure I'm very aroused so that makes sense why it still feels like I can't handle him sometimes. What other kinds of sex would you recommend on days where intercourse isn't working out the best for me?

[Sofi]

Manual and oral sex are both common options people go with on days when intercourse isn't working or they simply don't want to do that. Some people refer to this as "foreplay", but it's actually just sex. It's as much sex as penis-in-vagina sex. Foreplay as a concept is more the time when you relax before sex, since anxiety and stress aren't really compatible with pleasurable sex. This can be cuddling, taking a bath or hot shower (together or alone), talking to each other, whatever works to get your mind off the daily stress and put you into a more relaxed state or even get turned on. Anything you two do that's physical after that, even if it doesn't even involve direct genital contact, can be considered sex. Often, when you approach it this way with no expectations of intercourse, you'll find that if you do decide to try it, it will probably be easier since you're going into it without goals, pressure, or stress.