A wrench thrown in the works

[LopezMonty]

Cambridge dictionary definition:
to do something that prevents a plan or activity from succeeding.

So. I suppose my “plan”, if there was any, was to be attracted to men and some nonbinary people. I thought I had that figured out.
Then again, I’ve only ever been attracted to fictional men and nonbinary people. I’ve never really experienced attraction to real people.

But then I had to stumble upon a fictional woman that I might be attracted to. The fact that she’s a trans woman only makes this more complicated.

Am I dick sexual? But that doesn’t make any sense. And besides, I’ve been attracted to fictional trans men who don’t have dicks before. So it’s probably not a genital preference.
Is this some weird manifestation of jealousy because I wish I had a dick?
But that doesn’t make any sense either.

My attractions to fictional men and nonbinary people has always been rather diverse. Masculine, feminine, androgynous, I’ve liked it all. I’m more attracted to (and envious of) androgyny more than anything else.
So is this attraction to a fictional woman because I’m attracted to androgyny? But she’s not androgynous; she’s very feminine. The only thing “androgynous” about her is that she has a penis.

I mean, it’s not like this is a real person. Again, I’ve never really liked real people. But I don’t know if my discomfort around real people is a kind of asexuality or if I just have issues that I need to work out.

I’m sorry if this all sounds weird or even fetishizing. I don’t want to sound like that.

[amber]

Hi LopezMonty!

I hear you on the confusion around not being able to fit your sexuality into a neat box. It can feel stressful to not feel like you fully understand. A lot of folks come to the boards with similar feelings.

What I'd challenge you to think about is why any of this is bad. Why does your sexuality need a plan? What is wrong with being attracted to women as well? How would it feel to give yourself some space from trying to understand your sexuality?

[LopezMonty]

I guess I’m concerned because I was so sure that I had figured this out. That I knew this part of myself for sure. I would think “hey, even if gender is confusing, at least you know your sexuality!”

[Straif]

Hi LopezMonty,

I've got an answer that you may not like right now, but I promise it's good news for you in the long run: we never have gender, sexuality, (or a great many other things about being a human) completely "figured out." Fixating on what "types" of person you're attracted to is not likely to be helpful because who we are attracted to and how we experience that attraction is naturally variable. For more on that front, check out Hey Hot Stuff: Attraction, Desirability, and Types.

Because everyone's experience is different, not everything in that article will necessarily ring true for you. But don't let that lead you to dismiss the whole thing out of hand. Instead, it can be really helpful to identify what does and doesn't click and use that as an opportunity to ask yourself "Why does ___ resonate with me so much?" as well as "Why am I feeling resistant to ____?"

It sounds like it's possible that the reason you're holding so tightly to your "plan" for your sexuality is that you have been struggling with bodily autonomy in relation to your gender? Whether that is a contributing factor or not, self-compassion and patience will be key-- not continuing to try to define exactly who you are attracted to or why. (But it might be interesting to ask yourself why doing so might feel "easier" than some of the other strategies we've discussed working on in other posts?)

Finally, I'm glad you're thinking about not trying to fetishize folks because people aren't objects, and it seems like you're aware that the language you use could be dehumanizing to trans women. As I'm thinking about it, I wonder if attraction to fictional characters feels safer to you, not just because you're worried about being hurt or rejected, but also because you're worried you have to have everything "figured out" to avoid hurting other people? It doesn't seem like your discomfort around real people is limited to sexual attraction, so it might be a good idea to work through those anxieties with the help of a trained counselor. The right person could be incredibly supportive in terms of your gender journey, too.

[LopezMonty]

(But it might be interesting to ask yourself why doing so might feel "easier" than some of the other strategies we've discussed working on in other posts?)

Finally, I'm glad you're thinking about not trying to fetishize folks because people aren't objects, and it seems like you're aware that the language you use could be dehumanizing to trans women. As I'm thinking about it, I wonder if attraction to fictional characters feels safer to you, not just because you're worried about being hurt or rejected, but also because you're worried you have to have everything "figured out" to avoid hurting other people? It doesn't seem like your discomfort around real people is limited to sexual attraction, so it might be a good idea to work through those anxieties with the help of a trained counselor. The right person could be incredibly supportive in terms of your gender journey, too.

1. If I had to guess, I feel like this manifestation of panic around my sexuality and the desire to have it “all figured out” is probably an intense desire for control. To feel like I’m in control of something, anything, when everything else feels out of control. Whether that’s by strictly defining my sexuality, abstaining from sex and masturbation, or ignoring desires, it’s all kind of a result of the same thing.

2. I really don’t want to hurt or dehumanize other people, even on accident. Fictional characters do feel much safer than real people, in every aspect. I can’t mess up a relationship with someone who isn’t real. I can’t be “too much” with someone who isn’t real.

I worry that transitioning might destroy my own sexuality. I want to be male so that I can feminize a masculine body, rather than masculinize a feminine body. But if I am perceived as a man, women would —naturally—be wary of me. If I’m attracted to women, then wouldn’t that make me “no better than a man”, as some people put it?

If I have to choose a binary role, I’m a man.

I really don’t want to dehumanize or hurt trans women. I think they’re really cool (even if the only one I’ve met in real life is a jerk). They’re much braver than I am—and much more stylish, too.