A wrench thrown in the works

[LopezMonty]

Cambridge dictionary definition:
to do something that prevents a plan or activity from succeeding.

So. I suppose my “plan”, if there was any, was to be attracted to men and some nonbinary people. I thought I had that figured out.
Then again, I’ve only ever been attracted to fictional men and nonbinary people. I’ve never really experienced attraction to real people.

But then I had to stumble upon a fictional woman that I might be attracted to. The fact that she’s a trans woman only makes this more complicated.

Am I dick sexual? But that doesn’t make any sense. And besides, I’ve been attracted to fictional trans men who don’t have dicks before. So it’s probably not a genital preference.
Is this some weird manifestation of jealousy because I wish I had a dick?
But that doesn’t make any sense either.

My attractions to fictional men and nonbinary people has always been rather diverse. Masculine, feminine, androgynous, I’ve liked it all. I’m more attracted to (and envious of) androgyny more than anything else.
So is this attraction to a fictional woman because I’m attracted to androgyny? But she’s not androgynous; she’s very feminine. The only thing “androgynous” about her is that she has a penis.

I mean, it’s not like this is a real person. Again, I’ve never really liked real people. But I don’t know if my discomfort around real people is a kind of asexuality or if I just have issues that I need to work out.

I’m sorry if this all sounds weird or even fetishizing. I don’t want to sound like that.

[amber]

Hi LopezMonty!

I hear you on the confusion around not being able to fit your sexuality into a neat box. It can feel stressful to not feel like you fully understand. A lot of folks come to the boards with similar feelings.

What I'd challenge you to think about is why any of this is bad. Why does your sexuality need a plan? What is wrong with being attracted to women as well? How would it feel to give yourself some space from trying to understand your sexuality?

[LopezMonty]

I guess I’m concerned because I was so sure that I had figured this out. That I knew this part of myself for sure. I would think “hey, even if gender is confusing, at least you know your sexuality!”

[Straif]

Hi LopezMonty,

I've got an answer that you may not like right now, but I promise it's good news for you in the long run: we never have gender, sexuality, (or a great many other things about being a human) completely "figured out." Fixating on what "types" of person you're attracted to is not likely to be helpful because who we are attracted to and how we experience that attraction is naturally variable. For more on that front, check out Hey Hot Stuff: Attraction, Desirability, and Types.

Because everyone's experience is different, not everything in that article will necessarily ring true for you. But don't let that lead you to dismiss the whole thing out of hand. Instead, it can be really helpful to identify what does and doesn't click and use that as an opportunity to ask yourself "Why does ___ resonate with me so much?" as well as "Why am I feeling resistant to ____?"

It sounds like it's possible that the reason you're holding so tightly to your "plan" for your sexuality is that you have been struggling with bodily autonomy in relation to your gender? Whether that is a contributing factor or not, self-compassion and patience will be key-- not continuing to try to define exactly who you are attracted to or why. (But it might be interesting to ask yourself why doing so might feel "easier" than some of the other strategies we've discussed working on in other posts?)

Finally, I'm glad you're thinking about not trying to fetishize folks because people aren't objects, and it seems like you're aware that the language you use could be dehumanizing to trans women. As I'm thinking about it, I wonder if attraction to fictional characters feels safer to you, not just because you're worried about being hurt or rejected, but also because you're worried you have to have everything "figured out" to avoid hurting other people? It doesn't seem like your discomfort around real people is limited to sexual attraction, so it might be a good idea to work through those anxieties with the help of a trained counselor. The right person could be incredibly supportive in terms of your gender journey, too.

[LopezMonty]

(But it might be interesting to ask yourself why doing so might feel "easier" than some of the other strategies we've discussed working on in other posts?)

Finally, I'm glad you're thinking about not trying to fetishize folks because people aren't objects, and it seems like you're aware that the language you use could be dehumanizing to trans women. As I'm thinking about it, I wonder if attraction to fictional characters feels safer to you, not just because you're worried about being hurt or rejected, but also because you're worried you have to have everything "figured out" to avoid hurting other people? It doesn't seem like your discomfort around real people is limited to sexual attraction, so it might be a good idea to work through those anxieties with the help of a trained counselor. The right person could be incredibly supportive in terms of your gender journey, too.

1. If I had to guess, I feel like this manifestation of panic around my sexuality and the desire to have it “all figured out” is probably an intense desire for control. To feel like I’m in control of something, anything, when everything else feels out of control. Whether that’s by strictly defining my sexuality, abstaining from sex and masturbation, or ignoring desires, it’s all kind of a result of the same thing.

2. I really don’t want to hurt or dehumanize other people, even on accident. Fictional characters do feel much safer than real people, in every aspect. I can’t mess up a relationship with someone who isn’t real. I can’t be “too much” with someone who isn’t real.

I worry that transitioning might destroy my own sexuality. I want to be male so that I can feminize a masculine body, rather than masculinize a feminine body. But if I am perceived as a man, women would —naturally—be wary of me. If I’m attracted to women, then wouldn’t that make me “no better than a man”, as some people put it?

If I have to choose a binary role, I’m a man.

I really don’t want to dehumanize or hurt trans women. I think they’re really cool (even if the only one I’ve met in real life is a jerk). They’re much braver than I am—and much more stylish, too.

[Latha]

Hi there, LopezMonty

I think this thread has touched on a couple really interesting ideas. Here are a few of my thoughts:

I understand the need to have some control in your life, especially when everything feels out of control. What is interesting is that it seems like the places where you exert control coincide with parts of yourself that you feel are not valuable--more specifically, that you may have learnt are not worthy of respect from the people around you/society at large: your desires, your desirability as a partner, your sexuality. Then, I'd imagine your control serves to protect you, as Straif noted, from the risk of getting hurt or hurting other people. What do you think?

I must admit, I am not a fan of judging people to be "no better than a man" or sentiments like that. Very often, this is used when someone (who the speaker does not associate with manhood, whether that is true or not) expresses frank sexual attraction to women. It implies three things:

• that feeling/expressing sexual attraction to women is wrong

• That this (bad) sexual attraction is natural to men

• That other people do not experience sexual attraction to women

I wonder if you can see the issues implied by this sort of thinking, because it goes against so much of what we understand about healthy sexuality.

• It is normal for anyone who experiences sexual attraction to feel and talk about it--we only have to try be mindful of time, place, and the boundaries of the people we are sharing our feelings with. (To be clear, just as it is inappropriate to talk about your sexual feelings in some contexts, in others, it can be very appropriate and welcomed.)

• By treating men's sexual attraction to women as inherently damaging, it undermines feminist goals for gender liberation--if sexual attraction is bad, and this bad behavior is inherent to men as a group, there is no point asking men who behave badly in sexual relationships or contexts to change the way they treat women.

• Though this statement is ostensibly in support of women, by positioning them as normally better then men, it communicates sex-negative stigma for women's sexual attraction to other women.

Ideas that are framed as being in favor of women are not always feminist in practice. Really, I think this is why it is inadvisable to rank groups of people. As you have experienced, bad frameworks like that only confuse and make us feel worse about ourselves. Being attracted to women would not make you 'no better than a man', simply because there is no comparison to be made there. Transitioning will not destroy your sexuality because there is nothing that can be destroyed. If you are attracted to women (often, under specific conditions, once in a blue moon), that is okay.

But if I am perceived as a man, women would —naturally—be wary of me.

Women are at times wary of men--especially strangers. This is an unfortunate consequence of many people's experiences with patriarchal oppression, rather than the justified and natural treatment of men or anyone who is read as masculine. While we want to be understanding of the imperfect adaptations we all have to make to manage the risk and trauma of living in a patriarchal system, ultimately, we do want to build a society where we do not have to be wary in this way.

This pattern of wariness is not the only way women react to men, and women do form all kinds of close relationships with men. You are worthy--I hope you will not think of yourself as a less valuable partner, friend, or person for transitioning.

I really don’t want to dehumanize or hurt trans women. I think they’re really cool (even if the only one I’ve met in real life is a jerk). They’re much braver than I am—and much more stylish, too.

It is okay to compliment a group and generally think positively about them--I agree that trans women are cool. However, making a positive judgement like that should not come with an implied negative judgement about yourself.

The way I see it, to humanize a group is to understand them as essentially human in their nature--to be able to hold in your mind their complexity and diversity, to appreciate them as a group while understanding that individuals have strengths and weaknesses, virtues and flaws. To know that whatever your differences, they are also just like you. Putting someone on a pedestal, and comparing yourself negatively against them, is not humanization.

What makes trans women brave or stylish in your opinion? If there is a style you've seen among trans women that you admire for yourself, you can emulate it.

I really don’t want to hurt or dehumanize other people, even on accident.

Of course, you want to avoid hurting people. It is just a little much to ask yourself to avoid hurting people by accident--by definition, that is an outcome you don't intend or want.

The pleasures of companionship with other people cannot be untangled from the risk of being hurt. And you cannot always predict what will hurt other people. Thankfully, showing care, giving a good apology, and changing behavior can sooth a lot of pain in interpersonal relationships. I understand why focusing on fiction would be safer than relationships with real people, but there are people who would love to know you.

Has anyone given you the sense that you mess up relationships, or that you are too much, in the past?