Feeling alone while all your friends are dating

[Oliviai88]

Hi!
I just started an account because I have been mastrubating with myself a little bit over the past coupleof years but have gotten more in to it lately. I am just about to turn 19 & I have been kinda lonely. I have ADHD, Anxiety, Alopecia, & chronic shoulder pain which causes depression at times.
I have been noticing that most of my friends are in a relationship with someone & can't hang out because of work, etc. I have a "Boyfriend" who is living overseas but doesn't want to get into anything serious because he cares about me & doesn't want to leave me heartbroken, which is super sweet. He is a super cute, handsome & nice person but he lives overseas where I can't afford to visit him. He only comes back home like once a year because of how expensive it is to fly.

I have been masturbating with my self in a bigger way by fingering which has helped a little bit but I feel like I need something more than just fingering. Both of my parents work from home, can see my credit card info, & I don't have drivers license yet. I can't really ask my parents about it for help because they are very strict about this sort of thing.

I don't know if I just should ask one of friends for help or if I need to order something to help. Please let me know if you have any ideas!

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Olivia88!

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with chronic pain and your mental health, and that you are feeling alone--it is unfortunate that your friends have seemed so busy when you've reached out to them.

It sounds like there are two related issues that you are asking about in your post: first, about your social connections with your friends and boyfriend, and second, about masturbation. We can talk about both.

For the former, I'm wondering how we can best help. Would you like to talk about how to make new friendships, or find ways to reconnect with the friends you've mentioned?

I also want to ask a bit more about your relationship. You've mentioned that this person does not want to get into anything serious. For your part, do you want a serious relationship with him, or are you also thinking of this as a more casual connection?

If this relationship really matters to you, if you think of him as a partner, not being in a serious relationship/being long distance may not reduce the hurt you'll feel if you have to break up. And if that is the case, I fear your 'boyfriend' is not really being sweet or considerate of your feelings when he maintains a casual relationship with you. What do you think?

For your question about masturbation: We have a couple resources about masturbation and pleasure that might give you ideas, since you are looking for more from the sex you are having:

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

• Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

Something to remember is that sex is an activity that involves the whole body and mind. So, if you find that you are focusing primarily on fingering/genital stimulation, you could try to explore other erogenous areas of the body, experiment with stimulation of different speeds/textures/pressures, and explore fantasies.

We also have an article on DIYing sex toys with what you have at home that may be of interest to you. As for your question about how you might purchase one:

• Personal massagers are sold at department stores--if your parents are unlikely to see your purchases, that may be an option.

• If you have the kind of relationship with your friends where you talk about sex, you could ask for them to order and even receive the package for you.

• As I understand, businesses that sell sex toys will often use benign and discreet sounding names for their payment systems, so your purchase would be identifiable as sex-related on your credit card. The best way to confirm that is to check their website or ask a salesperson/customer care what the purchase will show up as.

Do any of these ideas sound viable?

[Oliviai88]

Hi Latha!
Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot.

I would really like to make new friends & reconnect with the ones that I mentioned. My bestie moved to Virginia for college. My other bestie has chronic health issues which makes it hard for her to get together.
I would like to be in a real relationship with him but it's hard with him being overseas. I think that you're right about being in a long distance relationship might not reduce the hurt I would feel.

Thank you for the articles. I'll definitely be reading through them & using them for information.
I could talk to one of my besties, but I don't know how to. For the toys, I'll definitely look at the article to see what works best for me. I'll definitely be try out the whole body, trying fantasies, speeds, textures, etc my next try.
I do have like access to gift cards that I could use to pay for one. The nice thing is that I'm also at home all the time & I would most likely get the package.
I just don't know what is the best beginner size, toy, type that is good for beginners that are also easy to use. Any suggestions?

These options definitely sound viable, thank you!

[Latha]

Hi there Oliviai88!

Some ideas to reconnect with your friends:

• Have you ever talked to your chronically ill friend about the kinds of activities she has an easier time participating in? To also consider the setting of your hangouts, would having them at her home, or online make them less taxing?

• What would you think of scheduling regular calls to catch up with your friends? This can be more or less specific: biweekly on Sundays at 4:30 PM, or an general agreement to call each other on the weekends.

• You might also try to find asynchronous activities--something like a book or show or movie (really, any common interest) that you can text each other about or discuss on calls.

Does any of that sound like something you and your friends would enjoy?

For making new friends: I have it on good authority that the basic formula for making friends is to show up to a place where you can meet new people regularly, and to be nice to them. This can be online (like in a discord server) or offline (like a hobby group). Those are vague ideas, but do they sound like something you'd be interested in? I also remember you've said that you can't drive yet--do you have access to other kinds of transportation?

I think that you're right about being in a long distance relationship might not reduce the hurt I would feel.

I'm sorry to hear that. Given that you still might be hurt, can I ask what do you think about being in this relationship now? What do you like about this guy?

I just don't know what is the best beginner size, toy, type that is good for beginners that are also easy to use. Any suggestions?

I don't think there is any type of toy that is generally best for beginners--everyone is different, after all. But if you are not used to insertive sex and want to explore it, it is advisable to start small. If you've tried insertion with fingering, you could use the size of your fingers as a guide to the size of toy you should get.

We do have a series about different sex toys that could help you figure out what kind you'll want: How to Play with Toys: Welcome!

[Oliviai88]

Hi Latha!
Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it.

Thanks for the ideas to help reconnect with my friends. I will definitely be trying them out. I think that the scheduling regularly phone calls will be the best because that way we can hear each other.
I would be interested in joining like a hobby group or an online group with other people which in my community. I do have access to other types of transportation. My parents can always take me, or I can get a ride on the bus.

I really like having this relationship with him because it allows me to be with someone who allows me to be who I am & doesn't require me to hind my truw self. Being in this relationship makes me feel so happy. I love being with him. He is super kind, sweet, handsome, and cares about me so very much. He helps me through so much & is very supportive of everything I do. We met each other at taekwando class almost 4 years ago during a really hard time in my life. Seeing him just makes me feel so lucky. I don't really feel hurt when I'm thinking about being in this relationship with him but I do feel kinda sad that I can see him regularly.

Thank you for article. I will definitely be using it as a guide. It has been interesting reading about the whole sex stuff with these articles which is super helpful because I wasn't able to take Sex ED in high school due to a class scheduling issue.

[amber]

Hi Oliviai88,

Hope it is alright for me to jump in here!

I am happy that Latha's suggestions, as well as the articles have been helpful to you.

I agree with the idea of a hobby group! I too do not drive and found a lot of personal freedom by getting comfortable navigating my local public transportation. It may be something that gives you some confidence too!

I also hear you about feeling sad by the lack of in-person time you have with your partner. Long-distance is hard, period. I do know that lots of people go through periods of time when they are away from their partners and still they find ways to connect with each other. How do you currently connect (video chat, texting, etc.) with your boyfriend? Have you talked with your partner about these feelings? I'm guessing that there is no one as well equipped to relate to your experience here than your partner, who's in the same situation.

[Oliviai88]

Hi Amber!

Of Course, Thank you for joining & sharing your thoughts!

I am definitely looking into hobby groups within my area & I do agree with you on how it might give me a boost of confidence while being on my own, especially when I start to go to in-person classes at my community College.

My boyfriend & I are currently communicating via WhatsApp because he is in Portugal & it just works better for him. We call every once in a while but it is kinda difficult because we're both in different time zones.
I've texted my boyfriend about my feelings but haven't really talked about them over the phone or in-person when he does come to visit like once a year. I just don't know how to start that kind of conversation with him.

[Heather]

Hey there, Olivia.

I think the best way to initiate a conversation like that is just to be clear and direct, like, "I'd really like to talk with you in person or on the phone about how I'm feeling in this relationship given the distance."

I think it's also helpful to make yourself a short list of talking points, things you want to center and talk about in a conversation like this. Do you want to try making that list here and see how it feels or get some help with it?

[Oliviai88]

Hi Heather!

Thank you for the ideas on how to start this type of conversation with him.

I think that a few of the talking points might be:
- feeling disconnected with one another
- biggest fears about our set up with this long distance relationship
- how this long distance relationship has changed the way we feel about this relationship
Those are like the ones that I thought about.

[amber]

Hi Olivia!

I think that list sounds like a great start. I wanted to send over a few articles from our site that I think may be helpful to you.
- Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
- Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
- Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

We'd be happy to talk through anything in the articles or help you with anything else that seems difficult about starting that conversation.

[Oliviai88]

Hi Amber!
Thank you for your response! I will definitely be trying out the articles suggestions.

I'm wondering on how to support myself before & after the conversation with him. Like is there a certain main space or like something I can do after the conversation if it doesn't go well?

[amber]

Of course!

I think it is great that you are thinking about how to best take care of yourself, regardless of the outcome.

I have some ideas but do want to clarify what you mean by 'main space'?

It could be helpful to look at this conversation as one of many. Although it is true that you may be 'dropping' new information onto your partner, one conversation can't be expected to resolve issues within a relationship. The best thing you can hope for is that your boyfriend is receptive to the idea that communication about your feelings need to start.

Maybe it would be best to engage in that conversation on a day where you know you have support around you. That support can look like self-care, new hobbies, or people. What would that ideal day look like for you?

[Oliviai88]

Hi Amber!

Oops, I meant to put Mind Space (stupid autocorrect ). An Ideal day for me would be waking up about 8ish, going for a walk, doing yoga & exercises, have break, then play some music and paint for a few hours, then have lunch/snack & then watch a show or movie to crochet to before dinner, etc. But it really varies from day to day. I'll do face/feet/head masks while watching a show or movie & use a sugar scrub in the shower once a week.

[amber]

That's ok, sounds like we were on the same page then!

I think it would be helpful to plan to do some of the things a part of your ideal, relaxing, day when you initiate the conversation with your boyfriend. How does that sound?

Is there anything else you were hoping we could chat about?

[Oliviai88]

Hi Amber!

That sounds great! Thank you so much for all of your help! It was all super helpful! No, I don't think so, but if I think of something I'll let you know!