No one ever wants to date me

[Kimctv]

Im 16f (im bi) and no one has ever been interested in me and im tired of hearing that its gonna happen when it happens or that I should focus on myself or something like why do i always see couples at my school and my friends dating I dont even have a life all I do is go to school and study and sleep i feel like a loser. I also get told that people could have a crush on you and not tell you but I doubt it I don't even talk to people and ive been friends with the same people as when i was in grade 7. Everytime i hear about people doing anything sexual it makes me so jealous like thats never gonna happen to me like I have never even held anyones hand what am I supposed to do i just wanna be validated everytime i see my friend's relationship on social media i get reminded of this and go into the same spiral im an only child and this just makes me feel more lonely family love isnt the same as wanting this like in general i feel sad when I dont get attention and stuff like it makes me not want to do the stuff I like doing like writing and drawing because nobody cares about it and this just adds onto it idk overall if i were to sum it up i feel like nobody sees me

[Heather]

Morning, Kimctv.

I think it can be so tough to remember that at 16, you're still so, so new to all of this. Based on almost 30 years of working in sex education, I can tell you that the people you are seeing already in couples at schools are more the exception than the norm, especially in this era. It's a lot more common at your age not to have yet started dating at all, or even had any sexual interactions. I'm sorry that seeing people like those folks at school or a friend in a sexual relationship is so hard for you.

People not having sexual interest in us -- or having it, but not yet expressing it -- doesn't mean no one cares about us or sees us, though. Of course, too, being in a sexual relationship -- or even a romantic one that isn't sexual -- is also often pretty complicated, especially when everyone is young and so new to things. So, when what we really want is attention and validation and company because we're lonely, these kinds of relationships or interactions aren't even necessarily the best kind in the first place (including because there's a whole other person involved who will also have their own needs for us to attend to) even though I very much understand the desire for them.

I don't believe that sexual relationships or interactions will never happen for you because they haven't happened -- and a gentle reminder that people won't always approach us, we will often have to initiate things ourselves -- by the time you're 16. If that was the case for people, very few people who have wound up experiencing plenty of these kinds of relationships or interactions would not have. Statistically speaking, you're still very much behind the curve, I assure you.

But none of this means you have to stay feeling how you're feeling until you find a sexual or romantic partner: lonely, down, jealous, hopeless, invalidated and hungry for care and attention. Would you like to talk about some ways you can address those feelings and work on feeling better?

[Kimctv]

I would like to know some ways thank you

[Kimctv]

Kinda unrelated but idk why im so desperate for validation in general tho like il get 2 likes on a drawing I made and it will make me not wanna do it anymore

[char]

Hi Kimctv! I'd like to add my two cents to the conversation; what I meant could be different from what Heather was talking about, but I hope the additional perspective could be helpful.

One of the things I learned in university (I majored in psychology, for transparency) is that each life stage has a theme that most people in the age group would relate to. In teenagehood/adolescence, the theme is figuring out who you are and who you want to be associated with. So, from that perspective, I'd say that what you're experiencing is far from rare, and it's totally valid. Also, humans are social beings--there's no way we can completely isolate ourselves and sustain our lives on our own.

Whenever you feel invalidated, unworthy of attention, and lonely, it's important that you recognize their existence and sit with them. Why do you want validation from this specific person/people? What words do you want to hear from them? I also agree with Heather on their point of putting yourself out there--not just in terms of making yourself known like posting on socials, but also interacting with others in the way you'd like to be treated. Again, a lot of people your age probably feel the same way as you do.

Lastly, about social media... It can be helpful to remember that what we see online usually doesn't represent the user's entire reality. Most of us have been primed with the idea that social media, especially public-facing ones, should be used for showing the best/idealized parts of our lives. Just because someone looks happy with their partner online, doesn't mean their relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, right?

[Kimctv]

Thanks for your input and yeah idk how to talk to new people with my social anxiety so yeah and even when I do meet new friends its never anything more i guess

Oh yeah and about the validation thing its like i my friends getting alot of likes and compliments that I dont seem to get so thats why

[Anya]

Hey Kimctv,

I totally get what you're talking about. I have felt the very same way as you before, especially between 14-17 when my own social anxiety was at its peak and I felt insecure and exhausted from always trying to do the right thing and put myself out there but nothing ever seemed to come of it. The thing that changed for me is that I realized that even when it's hard, putting myself out there, being embarrassed, vulnerable, and scared was the best thing I actually could have done. It's the only ways i've been able to foster such a loving group of people around me now as an adult, and like both Char and Heather have mentioned, you are rarely the only person in the room who feels that same fear and insecurity.

I've always felt a bit insecure about it myself, but until recently, I was always the one to ask out every new person on a date, and usually it was because like me, they were scared or shy. But when I decided that it was just more important to me to go for what I actually wanted, that fear held me back a lot less. Now I feel really grateful that when others can't, or I feel like I even can't, I choose to take the risk and be the first to text or call because I know that this is what has led to some of the best relationships ive had. Now this did not happen overnight, mind you, and it took years to build up this kind of courage. But just because it's new and scary doesn't mean you have no choice in the matter, you always have choices.

And it's so understandable, even if not ideal, to tie your feelings toward social media to your own self worth. We live in this age where social media has major psychological effects when we're exposed to enough of it, and that is by no means your fault. We all feel it. Have you talked to your friends about these feelings? Both about romantic relationships and the social media stuff? I know you said it's frustrating to have only long-term friends and not have much luck making new ones, but I really would like to commend you on having such close friends for so long. You know not everyone can say they're had friends since 7th grade, so I do think that's very cool. But if you have, what have they said back? And if you haven't, would you consider telling them about any of this?

[Kimctv]

No i haven't really considered telling them about that not all of my friends date but some have experience as well as the social media thing I do see people who are in similar situations to me but they said they've been lusted over and I feel envious of that too like I would take being genuienly desired in any way to be honest. All ive heard from was those guys at my school who tell every girl that their friend likes them and proceed to call you ugly when you reject them this happens to my friends too idk.

[KierC]

Hey kimctv,

It sounds like you do have some friends who have similar experience levels as you who you could talk to! Sometimes when you feel lonely, it can be really easy to look at one or a few people in relationships and think “ugh it’s everyone except me.” But I’m glad to hear your observation that it’s not everyone, and I’m hopeful that you’ll feel at least a bit better talking to those friends about some or more of this (if not, just spending more time with them). How does that sound to you? Do you feel like you could start reaching out to see those friends more?

I’m sorry to hear about how those guys are responding to rejection, that’s just so gross of them. It’s not a genuine expression of respectful desire to become disrespectful after rejection, and it’s such a crappy way to treat people. Honestly, with people who call others names like that after being rejected… I wouldn’t want their desire anyway. It’s nicer to be desired by people who treat you and others around them with respect, like your friends! Know what I mean?

[Kimctv]

Yeah thank you

[char]

It was our pleasure to help you! If you got anything else you'd like to talk about, we're here.

[Kimctv]

Hm like idk ive never had a crush on anyone but I want someone to like me because I get fomo does that make sense I feel ugly and I feel behind like im already self conscious and it kinda makes it worse like I'll see a bully in my school who's dating someone what do they have that I dont

[Heather]

I'm happy to talk with you about this.

It does make sense that you feel like you're missing out by not yet experiencing someone being romantically or sexually interested in you, especially if you want those kinds of relationships or interactions. That said, like I mentioned before, sex or romance really aren't things, though, where what we're looking for from them are to have what others have, or to make us feel validated or attractive, because what those kinds of connections need to be centered in -- to be healthy and beneficial for everyone -- are our connection with each other most of all, rather than on our personal benefit.

I think it's also worth mentioning that it's pretty common for people in romantic or sexual relationships to find that those kinds of connections sometimes do the opposite of making them feel desired, validated or seen, especially when someone (or both people) come into those relationships with things like low self-esteem or a lack of confidence. It's just so easy in those kinds of headspaces to feel really insecure in an intimate relationship, rather than secure. Too, having someone express interest in us doesn't mean we will share those feelings for them! The idea that if someone only expressed this kind of interest in you you'd magically feel better is something I can understand you thinking, but it's not all that realistic.

Lastly, like I mentioned before, when any of this is just one-sided -- when it's about what you want someone to feel about you, or give to you, without much thought for you to have these feelings about them, or to give to them -- it's obviously not going to be good for the other person, and they should be a factor in all of this, too.

Do you actually want to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship with someone? Or are you just wanting someone to have those feelings about you without engaging with them in those feelings in any way?

I do hear you expressing a lot of things that all tend to fall under having low self-esteem. What we know about that from a lot of study and lived experience is that intimate relationships are generally things that go best for everyone when people only come into them with a pretty healthy self-esteem, and people finding other people attractive doesn't tend to fix low self-esteem. What works better are things that actually make us feel more valuable without outside validation: things that remind or tell us about what we have to offer ourselves and the world that's already inside us, and that also is NOT based on things like our physical attractiveness to people, but deeper parts of ourselves, things like, for example, our kindness, the way we notice people in need or give back to the world, our sense of whimsy, the unique way our own brain works, our passions or special talents.

Can you think of what you do, regularly, to help bump up your self-esteem? That can be things like volunteering in ways you can and want to help someone or a project or organization, being part of a team or club with something you enjoy and feel good at, surrounding yourself with friends and other people who value you as a person and let you know that on a regular basis?

[Kimctv]

If someone genuinely wants to I would want that too but ive never gotten that so I dont know what its like i dont get a crush just by someone's looks without getting to know them first tho I can definitely find them attractive (I honestly think if any of my friends said would wanna date me i would say yes) about the self esteem thing im Persian and ive never met anyone my age who is too so I feel like dont really see anyone around me that looks like me so i feel self conscious about my features like my side profile and my big nose

[Heather]

I'm a fellow big-nosed person over here, just giving you a big-nose fistbump. I'm sorry that you are not seeing other people who share your ethnicity and look like you, that can feel really isolating. Is the rest of your family also Persian, or are you an adoptee? Either way, might it be possible for you to go to places, or spend time in circles, where there ARE people who look more like you? It sounds like being around more people who look more like you might help you realize that there's nothing wrong with having a big nose, or olive skin, that the ways you look are just one variation of the way billions of people look, and also ways that are common to look for people who share your same or similar genetics.

(If it helps to know, I used to feel self-conscious about my nose when I was younger too, but it's turned out to be a feature that quite a lot of people in and around me have commented on as one of their favorites of my features -- goes to show that our ideas of what's weird or wrong or not good about us often aren't shared by other people!)

I hear you saying that you do feel potentially ready for an intimate relationship if you shared that interest with someone who was interested in you the same way. What that says to me is that it's all the more important that you try to work on your self-esteem first, so that when you do get an opportunity to connect in those ways with someone, it can be more likely that will be something healthy and beneficial for you both, rather than something once-sided, or where you find yourself only feeling more insecure because you came into something already feeling that way. Can you circle back to my last paragraph in my response before this and fill me in on your answer to the question I asked?

[Kimctv]

About ur last question i guess like being with my family (yes they're also persian) and my friends since grade 7 and like not being in luteal because it makes me feel worse. I also like to draw and write some of my friends dont really care tho. And usually I dont think about how I feel knowing ive never been with anyone unless im faced with it like I see couples in school or on social media its inescapable when i see it in real life tho. I also dont see people who look like me on social media or in general cause I dont have any siblings or cousins not much outside of my parents.