Questioning my gender after years. Help!

[braveSwordfish]

Hi everyone! I'm a late 20s/early 30s lady (?) posting because I'm finding myself deep in the gender whirlwinds and would love some support or advice.

Long story short, I was a lifelong tomboy--it was pretty lowkey when I was a young kid, but as I got older I started to really dislike wearing and being "too girly"; men's clothes, hiding my hair under hats until I could cut it, presenting pretty masculine was a strong preference of mine. As I got even older, I started questioning my gender; "woman" didn't really feel right, so I was experimenting with transmasc/nonbinary identities, mostly with my presentation, nickname, and pronouns with some friends--no hormones or surgery. A few years after that, it kinda fizzled out. I felt awkward in my masculine clothes, and branched (a tiny bit lol) into femininity. I realized I liked my birth name, my pronouns didn't bother me, and I didn't feel a need for hormones or surgery.

Fast forward a few years, to now. My "feminine" era hadn't really panned out--part of me wants to be really cute and girly, but the other part of me loves cargo pants and deep pockets and work boots and hoodies, so I didn't get super far. But I know plenty of masculine cis women, so I figured it was fine. But there's been some other stuff on top of my feminine-failure-to-thrive; still getting a little gender envy from men, especially deep voices sometimes, wanting a penis and kind of getting curious about bottom growth with T. I gained some weight and it's made my boobs more prominent, and I don't really love how it looks in T-shirts, though I can't tell if that's cosmetic or gender related.

But yeah. Last night it all hit me that, yo, maybe I'm not totally "past" my gender experimentation era. Unfortunately, questioning phases = "freak out" in my brain, so just like I did the first time I questioned my gender, I have started freaking out. Questioning my whole reality, honestly. Like, do I want to be a man? Have I always wanted to be a man? Would I actually enjoy the realities of being a man? But then, I've also been doing some sexting/NSFW chatting (I don't really have any other sexual or relationship experience besides that), and being seen as a woman and using my "female" body parts never bothered me there--what's going on with that? Do I need to change my name? Does it bother me? Do I need to get on T? What's the end goal here? Why was everything fine two weeks ago and suddenly I'm wondering if my whole life was a lie? Can I just ignore this and resume my regularly scheduled woman programming? Do I want to do that?

And then, to compound on all of this, I recognize that I've also been having a tough time with body image and self-concept in general. I'm slightly on the taller side, definitely on the heavier side after some recent weight gain (stress eating :/ ), and I've always had big hands and feet. On top of that, I also have been basically buzzcutting my hair because I have a scalp condition that does better when I don't have a lot of hair. I haven't really loved how I look recently, and I think part of what makes that even harder is that there are a lot of things I can't change about myself, and other things that I just haven't really bothered to, that don't fit into the classically "feminine" box. So am I actually having gender-question-y thoughts, or is this my brain just deciding that there's no point in ~trying to be a woman~ because I'd probably look better/be "more congruent" as a man?

So, yeah. Any advice? Especially tips on calming the gender-anxiety, lol.

[char]

Welcome to the boards, braveSwordfish! I can't say that my experience in discovering my own gender identity is similar to yours. But I'd like you to know that you got this--maybe right now your gender identity feel blurry for you, but there will be a time where you understand more how you feel. I can't predict how you'll identify, of course, but I believe you can feel less worried/anxious about this in the future.

I think it's interesting how we as human beings have the tendency to catalogue everything into neat categories, whether or not we realize it. Never mind that a lot of things in life just won't fit into the boxes they're put in. I think it's why uncertainty can feel particularly disempowering and anxiety-inducing, as much as it is a natural part of life. Since you've only had this realization again yesterday, it's completely understandable that you're "freaked out." But from your post, it sounds like you've done some exploring and reflecting on your own too. For one, as a nonbinary person, it intrigued me when you mentioned that at one point you experienced with transmasculine and nonbinary identities, but eventually stopped--what didn't feel right back then? How would you compare that period with the present? If you're comfortable sharing, I'm also curious about the circumstances you live in. How do people in your life (especially close ones) present themselves--do you have anyone in your life who's transgender, or at least presenting in a way that doesn't "conform" to their gender identity? Is there anyone/anything that prompted this realization, whether directly or indirectly?

I've encouraged the other volunteers, especially those with experience in exploring their gender identity, to chime in. In the meantime, I think you might want to check out these articles, since they tackle with the issue of questioning your identity. Maybe it'll give you an insight on how others go through their identity journey, and how other volunteers have responded to their issues:
- Feelings about my body as a cis(?) girl
- Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer
- Can't seem to accept myself

[braveSwordfish]

Thank you so much for this reply!

With regard to the first time I experimented with my identity, it just sorta...fizzled out, honestly. I sort of just found myself relating less to a lot of the things I was seeing when it came to transmasculinity/being nonbinary. Seeing, other people's transition timelines kinda made me feel "meh", like I didn't really want that for me. I found myself missing pretty stuff, I found myself wanting to look more feminine. I actually went and got braids with extensions just so I could have long hair (which, ironically, I think started my scalp problems that lead me to having to cut my hair lol), and I enjoyed them at the time.
One thing that was nice when I stopped feeling so masculine was that I didn't feel like I needed to manage or, like, hide my body or my identity. My boobs could just be boobs, my hips and butt could just be hips and a butt without them necessarily being "problems" for my masculine silhouette. My name was just my name, my old Easter pictures in a dress are just old Easter pictures in a dress.

I think, between then and now, the one thing that I kind of realized is that I think there was/is partially a social element to my gender. I went to a predominantly white high school, and a predominantly white college for undergrad. My first job out of college was in the neighborhood I grew up in, which is predominantly black, just like me. I think no longer being in the minority kind of made me see things a little differently. I do kind of some part of my desire for masculinity maybe was because I didn't see femininity in a way that accommodated someone like me--black, coily hair that doesn't grow down as much as out, big hands and feet, deepish voice, some masculine interests...so I leaned into what I did have. When I was more settled in my identity, I thought that maybe that reason was most of it, but now I'm wondering if it was only part of it, and I guess I'm now trying to figure out what the other part of it might be. Presentation is still kind of up in the air--my sister is getting married soon and I wasn't sure if I'd like to wear a dress or a suit. She's wonderful, she told me she didn't care what I wore. I ended up picking a dress, and while it's not perfect (I think look kind of bulky in it, for lack of a better term), I feel pretty good about the choice. But most other things still feel okay, but part of me is wondering if they actually feel okay, or if I'm trying to hold onto normalcy and not have to rethink a whole lot of stuff.

As for my life, I have friends who are LGBTQ, though no super close friends who are trans. Definitely some friends-of-friends who are trans, and I have some gendernonconforming friends as well. Overall I'd say my friends and family are pretty accepting, though I'm still not sure how my parents, for example, would react if I were to change my name or pronouns, or go on hormones; that was something I wasn't brave enough to broach the first time around and am still avoiding a little bit lol.

Thanks so much for those links! I'll definitely check them out.

[Heather]

Hey there.

It can be so tricky to try and untangle what's a gender issue, what's a queer issue, what's a body issue, and what's a cultural/social/belonging issue when it comes to the kinds of things you are describing. Sometimes we just won't even be able to, not completely, anyway, and so often, there is just so much overlap that there really is no untangling it. But I think that ultimately, when we need or want to, the best way to go for that is usually with the help of a qualified therapist who understand this kind of questioning and identity searching. I imagine a Black therapist who is also some variety of trans could go such a long way for you: is something like that in your reach at all?

I feel like you could also really benefit from digging into, and soaking in, some Black trans/GNC/queer history and culture. This search brought up a bunch of potentially good stuff for you if you want to take a peek: https://bookshop.org/beta-search?bkshp- ... ns+culture

[braveSwordfish]

Holy cow, I'm so glad to know I'm not totally off base--I was like, "omg this is so hard and I don't understand why?". I kind of find myself sitting with feelings of dread and resentment because I feel like I've already been through and done the hard stuff--why am I having to go through it again? Lucky for me, I do have a Black therapist. I'm not sure how up on LGBTQ stuff she is, since I'd never had a reason to bring it up until now, but she does seem to have at least a cursory understanding of how this stuff can work. I have my appointment today, so we'll see how it goes I guess!

[Heather]

No, it can be SO hard. Totally not just you, I absolutely promise. Also, I'm kind of sorry to tell you that identity stuff tends to be pretty lifelong, so for real, some or all of this will likely come up again and again through life in various ways. There's just no being done with our identity, it being a constantly ongoing work in progress is just part of being alive.

I'm glad you already have a therapist that at least is someone with a racial affinity for you: maybe you can ask them today for specifically Black resources around gender expression and see what they have to offer? Or just see how talking with her about this feels, full-stop?

[braveSwordfish]

Yeah, I think just bringing it up is the first step. I'm kind of nervous, I think I've always been a little cagey with gender stuff, but I guess worst case scenario I'll find a new therapist. But yeah, I think this may be something I need to get comfortable hanging out with for life. It's funny, because this definitely isn't the first time I've assumed my LGBTQ+ days are behind me just for Something Else To Come Up, but hopefully every step will make things feel a little better. Thanks for your help! I also appreciate the bookshop link you added in the other reply, some of 'em look like great reads