Questioning my gender after years. Help!

[braveSwordfish]

Hi everyone! I'm a late 20s/early 30s lady (?) posting because I'm finding myself deep in the gender whirlwinds and would love some support or advice.

Long story short, I was a lifelong tomboy--it was pretty lowkey when I was a young kid, but as I got older I started to really dislike wearing and being "too girly"; men's clothes, hiding my hair under hats until I could cut it, presenting pretty masculine was a strong preference of mine. As I got even older, I started questioning my gender; "woman" didn't really feel right, so I was experimenting with transmasc/nonbinary identities, mostly with my presentation, nickname, and pronouns with some friends--no hormones or surgery. A few years after that, it kinda fizzled out. I felt awkward in my masculine clothes, and branched (a tiny bit lol) into femininity. I realized I liked my birth name, my pronouns didn't bother me, and I didn't feel a need for hormones or surgery.

Fast forward a few years, to now. My "feminine" era hadn't really panned out--part of me wants to be really cute and girly, but the other part of me loves cargo pants and deep pockets and work boots and hoodies, so I didn't get super far. But I know plenty of masculine cis women, so I figured it was fine. But there's been some other stuff on top of my feminine-failure-to-thrive; still getting a little gender envy from men, especially deep voices sometimes, wanting a penis and kind of getting curious about bottom growth with T. I gained some weight and it's made my boobs more prominent, and I don't really love how it looks in T-shirts, though I can't tell if that's cosmetic or gender related.

But yeah. Last night it all hit me that, yo, maybe I'm not totally "past" my gender experimentation era. Unfortunately, questioning phases = "freak out" in my brain, so just like I did the first time I questioned my gender, I have started freaking out. Questioning my whole reality, honestly. Like, do I want to be a man? Have I always wanted to be a man? Would I actually enjoy the realities of being a man? But then, I've also been doing some sexting/NSFW chatting (I don't really have any other sexual or relationship experience besides that), and being seen as a woman and using my "female" body parts never bothered me there--what's going on with that? Do I need to change my name? Does it bother me? Do I need to get on T? What's the end goal here? Why was everything fine two weeks ago and suddenly I'm wondering if my whole life was a lie? Can I just ignore this and resume my regularly scheduled woman programming? Do I want to do that?

And then, to compound on all of this, I recognize that I've also been having a tough time with body image and self-concept in general. I'm slightly on the taller side, definitely on the heavier side after some recent weight gain (stress eating :/ ), and I've always had big hands and feet. On top of that, I also have been basically buzzcutting my hair because I have a scalp condition that does better when I don't have a lot of hair. I haven't really loved how I look recently, and I think part of what makes that even harder is that there are a lot of things I can't change about myself, and other things that I just haven't really bothered to, that don't fit into the classically "feminine" box. So am I actually having gender-question-y thoughts, or is this my brain just deciding that there's no point in ~trying to be a woman~ because I'd probably look better/be "more congruent" as a man?

So, yeah. Any advice? Especially tips on calming the gender-anxiety, lol.

[char]

Welcome to the boards, braveSwordfish! I can't say that my experience in discovering my own gender identity is similar to yours. But I'd like you to know that you got this--maybe right now your gender identity feel blurry for you, but there will be a time where you understand more how you feel. I can't predict how you'll identify, of course, but I believe you can feel less worried/anxious about this in the future.

I think it's interesting how we as human beings have the tendency to catalogue everything into neat categories, whether or not we realize it. Never mind that a lot of things in life just won't fit into the boxes they're put in. I think it's why uncertainty can feel particularly disempowering and anxiety-inducing, as much as it is a natural part of life. Since you've only had this realization again yesterday, it's completely understandable that you're "freaked out." But from your post, it sounds like you've done some exploring and reflecting on your own too. For one, as a nonbinary person, it intrigued me when you mentioned that at one point you experienced with transmasculine and nonbinary identities, but eventually stopped--what didn't feel right back then? How would you compare that period with the present? If you're comfortable sharing, I'm also curious about the circumstances you live in. How do people in your life (especially close ones) present themselves--do you have anyone in your life who's transgender, or at least presenting in a way that doesn't "conform" to their gender identity? Is there anyone/anything that prompted this realization, whether directly or indirectly?

I've encouraged the other volunteers, especially those with experience in exploring their gender identity, to chime in. In the meantime, I think you might want to check out these articles, since they tackle with the issue of questioning your identity. Maybe it'll give you an insight on how others go through their identity journey, and how other volunteers have responded to their issues:
- Feelings about my body as a cis(?) girl
- Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer
- Can't seem to accept myself

[braveSwordfish]

Thank you so much for this reply!

With regard to the first time I experimented with my identity, it just sorta...fizzled out, honestly. I sort of just found myself relating less to a lot of the things I was seeing when it came to transmasculinity/being nonbinary. Seeing, other people's transition timelines kinda made me feel "meh", like I didn't really want that for me. I found myself missing pretty stuff, I found myself wanting to look more feminine. I actually went and got braids with extensions just so I could have long hair (which, ironically, I think started my scalp problems that lead me to having to cut my hair lol), and I enjoyed them at the time.
One thing that was nice when I stopped feeling so masculine was that I didn't feel like I needed to manage or, like, hide my body or my identity. My boobs could just be boobs, my hips and butt could just be hips and a butt without them necessarily being "problems" for my masculine silhouette. My name was just my name, my old Easter pictures in a dress are just old Easter pictures in a dress.

I think, between then and now, the one thing that I kind of realized is that I think there was/is partially a social element to my gender. I went to a predominantly white high school, and a predominantly white college for undergrad. My first job out of college was in the neighborhood I grew up in, which is predominantly black, just like me. I think no longer being in the minority kind of made me see things a little differently. I do kind of some part of my desire for masculinity maybe was because I didn't see femininity in a way that accommodated someone like me--black, coily hair that doesn't grow down as much as out, big hands and feet, deepish voice, some masculine interests...so I leaned into what I did have. When I was more settled in my identity, I thought that maybe that reason was most of it, but now I'm wondering if it was only part of it, and I guess I'm now trying to figure out what the other part of it might be. Presentation is still kind of up in the air--my sister is getting married soon and I wasn't sure if I'd like to wear a dress or a suit. She's wonderful, she told me she didn't care what I wore. I ended up picking a dress, and while it's not perfect (I think look kind of bulky in it, for lack of a better term), I feel pretty good about the choice. But most other things still feel okay, but part of me is wondering if they actually feel okay, or if I'm trying to hold onto normalcy and not have to rethink a whole lot of stuff.

As for my life, I have friends who are LGBTQ, though no super close friends who are trans. Definitely some friends-of-friends who are trans, and I have some gendernonconforming friends as well. Overall I'd say my friends and family are pretty accepting, though I'm still not sure how my parents, for example, would react if I were to change my name or pronouns, or go on hormones; that was something I wasn't brave enough to broach the first time around and am still avoiding a little bit lol.

Thanks so much for those links! I'll definitely check them out.

[Heather]

Hey there.

It can be so tricky to try and untangle what's a gender issue, what's a queer issue, what's a body issue, and what's a cultural/social/belonging issue when it comes to the kinds of things you are describing. Sometimes we just won't even be able to, not completely, anyway, and so often, there is just so much overlap that there really is no untangling it. But I think that ultimately, when we need or want to, the best way to go for that is usually with the help of a qualified therapist who understand this kind of questioning and identity searching. I imagine a Black therapist who is also some variety of trans could go such a long way for you: is something like that in your reach at all?

I feel like you could also really benefit from digging into, and soaking in, some Black trans/GNC/queer history and culture. This search brought up a bunch of potentially good stuff for you if you want to take a peek: https://bookshop.org/beta-search?bkshp- ... ns+culture

[braveSwordfish]

Holy cow, I'm so glad to know I'm not totally off base--I was like, "omg this is so hard and I don't understand why?". I kind of find myself sitting with feelings of dread and resentment because I feel like I've already been through and done the hard stuff--why am I having to go through it again? Lucky for me, I do have a Black therapist. I'm not sure how up on LGBTQ stuff she is, since I'd never had a reason to bring it up until now, but she does seem to have at least a cursory understanding of how this stuff can work. I have my appointment today, so we'll see how it goes I guess!

[Heather]

No, it can be SO hard. Totally not just you, I absolutely promise. Also, I'm kind of sorry to tell you that identity stuff tends to be pretty lifelong, so for real, some or all of this will likely come up again and again through life in various ways. There's just no being done with our identity, it being a constantly ongoing work in progress is just part of being alive.

I'm glad you already have a therapist that at least is someone with a racial affinity for you: maybe you can ask them today for specifically Black resources around gender expression and see what they have to offer? Or just see how talking with her about this feels, full-stop?

[braveSwordfish]

Yeah, I think just bringing it up is the first step. I'm kind of nervous, I think I've always been a little cagey with gender stuff, but I guess worst case scenario I'll find a new therapist. But yeah, I think this may be something I need to get comfortable hanging out with for life. It's funny, because this definitely isn't the first time I've assumed my LGBTQ+ days are behind me just for Something Else To Come Up, but hopefully every step will make things feel a little better. Thanks for your help! I also appreciate the bookshop link you added in the other reply, some of 'em look like great reads

[Andy]

Hi braveSwordfish,

I just wanted to check in and ask how did it go with your therapist?

I also absolutely get the "I thought this is already behind me" feeling, even if not with the same issue. And I am wondering if maybe there are some good things coming from that process too?
For example for me I know that what I learned about myself, and the people and their stories that I encountered all gave me something valuable.

If you want more reading material this piece might feel relevant to you: Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer
Or we have this my all-time favourite series from a diverse group of people talking about their experience of discovering their sexual identity, and while it is more about that that gender, some of it might feel relatable too: The Answers (for Now)

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there!

It went pretty well, better than I was fearing! She took it in stride and was really helpful in clocking some of my anxiety and my tendency to really run ahead of where my feet are. We kinda took it back to basics, so my homework is to write a list of my perceptions of what men and women are/do/should be and then we'll analyze what qualities from each list I feel that I have and which I would like to have.

When you mentioned that good things might come from this, I think that's a good perspective. I definitely mentioned to my therapist that maybe this could be an evolution or a next step rather than just a regression, but I guess since it's only been a few days, it's been kind of hard to embody that in the day-to-day. I guess I'm just feeling scared of things changing; this hasn't been the easiest season of life, but honestly I like this identity I have and the life I'm living in a lot of ways--it's kind of hard to wrap my head around the fact that it can be "good" without being "good enough", and I'm still working through a lot of feelings around, like, feeling like I'm abandoning my past self. The other big struggle I'm having is that part of me is really fixated on hormones and surgery, but part of me is also very much unsure about that route. It's hard because it kind of feels inevitable, like something I just NEED TO DO, but I also said almost the exact same thing the last time I had these feelings and I ended up not feeling like I needed it for quite a while (and then it's like...so does that mean I should just start pursuing them, because it'll always come back? Or that if I do it, I'll wish later that I hadn't? Impossible to know, which makes it rife for fixating lol). All that stuff makes it feel kind of hard to look on the bright side, or just stay grounded in the little stuff like my therapist and I both know I need to, but I'm gonna keep trying.

I do have my eyes on some moc-toe boots; I was really into the style as a younger teen because all the boys in my grade had 'em, but I had just gotten a new pair of boots and didn't feel like I needed two. Then my feminine era kinda hit, so I didn't really want to get them 'cause I figured I wouldn't wear them. But now maybe it's the perfect time!

And thanks for these links! "Being unsure doesn't have to be a bummer" sounds like exactly what I need right now haha.

[Anya]

Hi braveSwordfish,

That's great that it went well! I think it can be really helpful to be aware of how we're perceiving gender in general, to then transpose it onto our experience and be able to use our autonomy and intentionally decide what we wish to be a part of and what we think is not so necessary for us in the moment. And of course these preferences, or what is meaningful to us may change over time, just other aspects do in our lives, but this sounds like a great start, especially framing it as an evolution, which it absolutely is!

Change is never easy, and its only the challenging stuff that really grows us but ohh it can feel awful in the moment, that's for sure. Regarding what you've mentioned about hormones and surgery, I think it can be really easy to get wrapped up in the idea that they can only exist as assured and secure in our sense of self If they're totally complete. But actually, I think the knowing, in itself, without actually having had these things started or performed, can give you even more assuredness because its like you don't even need to rely on the things themselves being daily reminders in the moment to know, truly and sincerely, that they are what you want. And if that want changes over time, it doesn't mean that the previous want wasn't genuine or right. Just like relationships, if they don't last forever, does that make them useless? Of course not! We experience different wants, needs, and feelings at different moments but all of it can real and true.

I think looking back into those boots is a fantastic way of grounding yourself again (no pun intended) because they get to be something you choose to put on (or not) every day and they can flex with you depending on your current needs.

[braveSwordfish]

Thank you for this reply!

Can you clarify what you mean by part of your second paragraph?

I think it can be really easy to get wrapped up in the idea that they can only exist as assured and secure in our sense of self If they're totally complete. But actually, I think the knowing, in itself, without actually having had these things started or performed, can give you even more assuredness because its like you don't even need to rely on the things themselves being daily reminders in the moment to know, truly and sincerely, that they are what you want.

I think I get it, like that perhaps thinking about this stuff so much might be a sign that it might be something I should at least look more into, but I just wanna make sure I'm reading it right. I think you're right, because this curiousity does just keep coming back, but it's scary because I've also gone so long without being interested in these things. It almost feels like a lose-lose, like if I don't do it, I'm stuck wondering forever, but if I do do it, I might ve stuck regretting it. But I do like how you put it, that if a relationship or a job is right for awhile but not forever, that didn't make it the wrong choice at the time. I think part of my personality is wanting to do the safest, guaranteed option, and this situation there isn't really any guarantee either way.

But yeah hard agree about the boots! Ironically I started thinking about the boots because a friend of mine (a girl) was wearing a similar pair and I was like "hmmm maybe they're not so masc after all?", so there's definitely some flexibility there like you said