Mixed about my Sexual Desires

[insert_username]

Ive been feeling a sort of way about this for a while, especially as it clashes a tad with my aromanticism/asexuality. I don't doubt that I don't feel sexual or romantic attraction because I went about 18 years of my life before any sex things ever appealed to me, and romance is just something I actually forget about sometimes until someone brings it up. I think now I just have more libido.
But I really really want to feel pleasure i think. Like perhaps that's a bit selfish and I feel like it conflicts with my desire for genuine connection as a whole but I think I just feel a yearning to have sex without the whole person bit or the attraction bit, just so I can maybe experience a new level of sexual pleasure or something.
It just feels so great and I'd love to have a new range of experiences to draw from or figuring out what makes my body tick. Its both so interesting and yet I weirdly feel like there's more to life than pleasure i should be chasing, like real people. It kind of feels weird to think of a person that is real in any fantasy. Maybe that's why I attach myself more to fictional characters. Even real life porn stuff I've seen just doesnt hit the same as art rendition of characters of media i like doing it.

Like what genuinely gets me off the most is the concept of someone invisible [no gender] helping me in some way, but idk how to categorize that. Like is that what one night stands and hookups tend to achieve? Because that weirdly feels like I'm at some all time low if I ever truly named it that way. Sounds weirdly pathetic like as if I've exhausted other options, even though I know the ones im aware of dont interest me.
I don't want a sexual relationship where i have to depend on one person i am continuously attracted to. That has never happened. All my "sessions" have spawned from looking at good enough fictional character nsfw material and things [which has led to discovering some interests i didnt know i had], and any singular person ive never felt any way for where i [as far as i know sex attraction] want their body or something. Or to be sexual around one person or anyone.

Even if i did figure to try this stuff as a brief hookup thing, where would I even go to DO that is the better question. Like if thats within jurisdiction to answer that could be interesting but idk.

I sort of end up in this thought cycle every time I masturbate and I never quite know what to do about it or how to figure out what I want and need.
And I've ended up turning to ut a bit more often than I usually do (not helped that I made a seperate social media for nsfw, but I dont post pics or anything its mostly just for storage of art from other pplor shitposts.)
And I feel like im sinking further into something weird even tho I dont do it often enough to "be addicted" because its gone from 1 time every two weeks to 1-3 every few days.... idk maybe im just yearning to be happy i dont know.

[amber]

Hi insert_username!

I want to start by saying that aromantic and asexual folks can still masturbate, experience sexual desire, and even have sex. It is also ok to discover things about yourself!

I do want to point out that when you have sex with another person you will always be having sex with a PERSON. I hear you on your fantasy of being pleased without the existence of a real person but that is not possible in real life. Even one night stands or hookups require you to treat your partner with respect which includes understanding that they themself are a person with wants and desires as well. Partnered sex means navigating your desires as well as your partners which may include navigating the different forms of intimacy which they like.

I don't say this to pass judgement onto your fantasy but instead to answer your question about the logistics. I do wonder if experimenting with the ways in which you have sex with yourself may be the better next step.

Lastly, I wanted to share this article with you on The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction" as you mentioned it at the end of your post.

[insert_username]

I'm aware it isn't possible really, hence it being more thought fodder than anything else. I don't want to imply I'd genuinely show that sort of lack of care for someone or anything, I have a very weird contradiction thing going on and I'm aware that reality is a lot more nuanced than that, I consider it a bit of a selfish desire tbh in that way. Like I'm sure of it ever came down to it there would be more considerations but for now I guess I can just indulge a bit.

I have considered experimenting but the issue comes down to resources. Even as I am an adult and can access the spaces needed just fine, its also an issue of me living at home with my parents and ive continously been embarrassed to even be open about any aspect of *it all* so buying actual items and then storing them in places they wouldnt look [hard to, because I live in a small apartment] is a heruculean task. I would love to experiment a lot but it just comes down to not really knowing what to do about my parents who live with me and stuff. I don't know what they would think or if they know or don't know. Hence why I just don't want to broach it in a manner especially if it involves physical evidence they can find.

Like I have looked into other things like vibrators and toys [which ive beeb really wanting to own or try out at least] but I dont own any for the reasons mentioned above. And im scared to DIY as well for also those reasons. My mom works at home just about all the time and when she actually is at work im at uni so there is also a bunch of that. That is since we are talking logistics. I've been home alone a few times but those are unpredictable.
I do have small misc amounts [so like. Really tiny portable bags] of condoms, lube, and things I have snuck in from university (they just give them away for free sometimes and I just generally am not immune to free stuff) but not much else. Especially in the way of personal sex materials. Ironically, i own more things that would help with a 2nd person

Ive been meaning to try n figure out a solution around it but its a lot of spoons especially around the academic time of the year.
Like I don't disagree with your take at all, im pretty sure it's spot on but it is a struggle TO experiment and to do things of a nature bigger than what ive been doing right now.

I did read the article to an extent but I do realize maybe I was exaggerating a bit when its like an "addiction" because it hasnt explicitly come in the way of work or anything. It's just been more prevalent than in years previous I suppose. Just a thought I guess.

[mikky]

hey there,

I think there's a lot of experimentation and sexual exploration that you might be able to do without additional resources or material changes. It seems like this is still pretty new for you, and that in that newness you've been engaging with and identifying fantasies, new interests, art, etc. That's all types of experimenting!

What do you think you mean by finding a "solution"?

Lastly, I think Amber linked the article on "addiction" to give you the resources/info that even for folks who are seeing porn, sex, etc severely come in the way of daily activities, that is what we usually would classify as compulsion, not addiction. I hope it helps to know that it certainly isn't weird to be thinking about sex and fantasy more frequently, especially in a time in your life where it sounds like you are learning more about yourself and also experiencing life changes like starting university.

[insert_username]

Yeah this is still pretty new to me, im still working it out.
What specifically could I do, do you think? I'm kind of just a bit stuck so idk where to go tbh.

"A solution" kind of means "how can I procure the sex related products i want without parental suspicion?" And its a bit convoluted cuz I had rotated some plans back n forth but could never land on anything specific [+ my schedule isnt compatible for the moment, we'll see later]. There are sex shops near my uni which is nice, and ive been inside one once [it was certainly jarring LOL] but havent bought anything. Turns out it truly is the magnum opus of choice.

I mean im in 2nd yr if uni but yeah I suppose theres always a change. 1st yr and 2nd yr are wildly different beasts and in my program it keeps getting wilder as you gain more free reign on ur courses. So yeah I guess there is that too. Never thought of it that way tho.