inconsistent guilt about extreme porn

[anonym12]

17m. i use porn with pretty extreme content (strong power dynamic type stuff) basically every night, a lot of the time when i feel bad, like it’s my way out of the feeling, but also, i do use it even when i felt fine before. Milder stuff feels flat now, and when i try it i end up comparing my body to the people in it and feeling worse ( Im short and skinny), so i go back.

I feel guilt for this content usage but inconsistently. sometimes i feel really guilty and disgusting during or after, and sometimes i feel nothing, even with the exact same stuff. sometimes i worry it says something bad about me as a person.

what bothers me most is the people in it. I know i cant know for sure the people in it actually agreed to it, and honestly in my mind even if they agreed to it, i feel like they are just being manipulated and no one could want this stuff happening to them. yesterday i felt really bad about what i’m doing to them by watching it. today i told myself i don’t care about them anymore, then that i never actually cared and only felt like i was supposed to. a few minutes later i realized i still think it’s wrong, even if it doesn’t feel wrong right now. Ive tried to stop using this content and always failed within like a day. I think i started masturbating when i was 9 or 10, and it was with content in the same category, but milder, that i use now. But within a year or starting it got much more extreme.

my question: how do i figure out whether i actually care about the people in it, when it changes so much depending on the moment? And if i can’t tell what’s real, how should i think about watching it?

[amber]

Hi anonym12 and welcome to the boards!

I want to start by sharing this article from out site which talks about porn and may offer some help to you in how you've been feeling about it -- Making Sense of Sexual Media

As for your question on how to tell if you care, I think you posting here is great evidence that you do. Porn is created to produce sexual desire in its viewers and so it isn't wrong or weird to be feeling those things from watching. Thinking deeper about where the porn comes from, whose making it, and what may be unrealistic about its content, is smart and healthy. Thinking through these things and creating boundaries of sorts with yourself and your comfort may help you not swing to and from stress and worry about this content. How do we do that.. well I think you ask yourself what feels most uncomfortable to you and go from there. So, what seems to be the most uncomfortable for you?

[anonym12]

honestly im not sure. Feels like it changes every time. Sometimes its the people in it, since i cant know if they really agreed and i have a hard time believing anyone would actually want that. I also just feel like generally guilty about the content cause i feel like its very clearly very misogynistic. Ive tried to stop using it and it lasts about a day, and milder stuff kinda just makes me feel worse like i was saying before. Overall it feels like most of the time my arousal is tied to negative emotions in some way. Either i want it because i feel bad, or it comes with guilt or comparing myself.

i read the article, but i wasn't sure what to do with it for my situation. it says if its not good for you, you can change the kind of content, how often, or how big a role it plays. But I’m just not sure how to or if I am capable of doing any of that. Part of me doesn't even want to stop, and that makes me feel worse about it.

[mikky]

If I am understanding right, it seems like when you try and step away from this type of content, you do so by trying to summon up a lot of shame and guilt.

Something that I feel very strongly is that guilt and shame aren't actually very helpful for creating change. Like, if you just feel terrible about yourself and the choices you make, it's hard to motivate to make different choices. I think that understanding what we do value and what is important to us can help us make much more grounded and effective choices.

From what you said, I am hearing two things that seem to clash with your sense of value and self: misogyny, and seeing only specific types of bodies. What if instead of focusing on what makes you feel the guiltiest or most shameful, you focused on what makes you feel the best or most aligned in values?

It also sounds like the factor of real people in sexual media is pretty troubling to you- thinking about the actors themselves. Would you be interested in engaging with media that doesn't involve actors instead, like things that are written, drawn, animated, etc?

[anonym12]

I think youre right about the guilt. Sometimes i feel like it just comes on its own, but also, sometimes i do kind of try to make myself feel bad about it so ill stop, and it hasnt really worked. the body thing for me is more that i compare my own body to the people in it and feel worse about myself, not as much about which bodies get shown.

For what makes me feel best, honestly i dont fully know yet since most of the time theres something bad mixed in, and its been this same type of stuff since i started masturbating. What i want is to actually feel good during it and not feel bad about the people, themes or myself after.

im interested in the no actors idea since the real people part is a big part of what bothers me. But i feel like id still end up using the same themes ive mentioned, which would still be a big issue and im not sure how to try to change it

[char]

Hi anonym12! I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with how you feel about porn. To me, it sounds like you care a lot about others' wellbeing, including how many parties in the porn industry exploit its workers and that a lot of the sex portrayed in porn can be inaccurate, unsafe, and harmful. I think it's great that you care a lot of these things, but I can also see how it's affected how you experience sexual pleasure and your body image.

This makes me wonder how, where, and from whom did you come to learn what you currently believe about porn. How would you describe the way folks around you talk about porn and other people's bodies, including outside of porn? I am unsure if you're cisgender or transgender, but if you were socialized as a boy, there are likely some specific (inaccurate) ideas about how a boy/man should look and behave you've learned from your parents and peers. Would you say that's the case here?

what bothers me most is the people in it. I know i cant know for sure the people in it actually agreed to it, and honestly in my mind even if they agreed to it, i feel like they are just being manipulated and no one could want this stuff happening to them.

Adding to what mikky said, I think it'd be great if you could consider the perspective of the actors involved in the pornography you've watched as well; i.e. sex workers. Other people's lived experience can offer us valuable insight on what they do and who they are. It could also help us challenge the assumptions we have about the people who belong to that particular community. You can start by checking out our articles that feature sex workers, like these ones:
- An Interview With Jiz Lee
- Organize Like a Sex Worker: Learning from Worker and Organizer Kate D'Adamo
- The Trans Heart of an Old House in Rio

There might be other media that focus on sex workers that could help you understand their perspective and experience more, but I'm not the most well-versed at that--I'll see if other staff and volunteers could help you with suggestions, if you're interested!