Mis-matched libido

[Melamyl]

I’ve been in a long-term relationship for a few years and following the first few months excitement and passion, it has become clear that we have very different libidos. I feel like this is partially due to me being on the pill long term, but I definitely don’t have much of a drive. Wondering if anyone else has this problem in their relationship? I have thoughts about trying to come off the pill but I feel like i’m so used to knowing when i’ll get my period and am worried about how my body will change coming off it.

[Heather]

Hey there, Melamyl.

You might be comforted to know that this is one of the most common sexual dynamics for all couples. Because desire for sex for all of us can be so conditional, ever-changing and also so unpredictable, it's very common for this not to line up with most people or, if it does, not to stay lined up. The longer we're in a sexual relationship, too, the more likely it is that we'll deal with this, and probably far more than just once.

The good news is that we do not HAVE to have our libidos "match." We can make our sexual relationships work for everyone even when they don't, and certainly without the person who is feeling less desire trying to make themselves have it more. Masturbation is usually one of the main answers to that, as can be other kinds of intimacy.

In other words, if the person with more frequent desire is mostly just after the physical aspects of sex, masturbation usually answers that just fine so long as that person is given privacy, time, space and support for masturbation. If they also, or instead, are mostly looking for the intimacy sex can provide, there are many more ways that sex to share intimacy with a partner, and some of those ways may be things that you *do* also have the desire for.

Let's start with all of that: how does that all land with you?

[Melamyl]

You don't know how much I am happy for your response Heather, it's kind of comforting to know that my situation is common to every relationships. I'll gladly take your advice for it! Thank you!

[Heather]

I’m so glad. Do you want to dig into this more, or do you feel like you’re good for now?

[Melamyl]

I feel good now Heather, thank you so much, I've tried to do masturbation to enliven myself before sex, at first it doesn't do much but as I've tried to do it even when I'm alone, it feels like my horniness is going back (sorry for the word) but I feel like it will help me further with my sexual life.

[Heather]

Nothing wrong with that word if it works for you!

Are you having sex when you don't fully want to? I ask because you say you're trying to "enliven" yourself before and that it's not helping much. If you are having sex you do not 100% want to -- sometimes it takes folks a few minutes to get into it, I don't mean like that, I mean by the time you're in it, you're still not totally feeling it -- that can really do a doozy on your own sexuality and your sexual relationships. It's also likely to do the opposite of helping: having sex we don't super-want tends to make all of us want sex less, not more.

We can talk more about that if you like if that's happening.

Either way, just a reminder that you and your desire for sex isn't broken or something that needs fixing because it is different from your partner's, just like the same is true for him. <3