confused, distressed, dont know who i am.

[sadnessnbadness]

trans girl here. been trans since 13 now 14 almost 15 and feeling so confused. dont feel dysphoria nor euphoria. just . nothing. im laughing at myself because this is so cringe but also really how i do feel. what if i do wanna be a man. idk.

sorry, that was very vague. just wondering if i dont know what if i only transitioned because i am more ''conventionally attractive'' as a girl. i dont know. i just wanna be a girl and happy but it feels as if im in denial the same way as a formerly cis girl could be in denial about being a boy. but am i . i dont know

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

It’s not cringe! How you’re feeling is valid and makes sense. It sounds like you are happiest as a girl, but perhaps not fully comfortable with it yet. That’s normal, and not all trans people have gender euphoria or dysphoria. In a way, having neither and just feeling neutral about it is a sign that it feels somewhat natural for you to exist as a girl, which is great. I don’t think it has to have a deeper meaning than that unless you truly think it does, you know?

Do you have people in your life to talk to about this? Either a mental health professional or a trusted friend or family member? It’s very helpful to have someone to process these thoughts and feelings with <3

[sadnessnbadness]

yes thats how i think it is, and thank u for such a quick reply. i use to have heavy dysphoria and my brain relied on that i guess, but now i dont have such dysphoria, so my brain now has to find a new validation method and that mixed with an anxious ocd (probaly, maybe ocd, dont wanna offend anyone) brain, is not a good mix. i dont know why but when i think of being a man i maybe feel more comfortable but i dont like it??? its like im in denial

[Sofi]

You know, this makes me think of how our brains seek out comfort, and there's way more comfort in the familiar and what we're used to than in anything new, even when it's something we want. And for folks with anxiety and/or OCD (as someone who has both), it can be easier to find something to be troubled by - again, as it's what we're used to - than to finally feel mentally at peace, because we aren't used to that. We aren't mental health professionals here, though, so if you do suspect you could be dealing with OCD, it's best to seek out professional help for that as we can't really provide any.

What we can do is talk about the feelings you're around gender, if that's something you want. For example, since the dysphoria is gone (yay!), would you want to try to find ways to get some gender euphoria?

[sadnessnbadness]

i just really dont know my brain keeps forcing me to try imagine myself as a muscly man to see if id be happier or not like it keeps like checking and i haate ittt

and also i saw something called the button test and that really does not help like idk if id choose to wake up as girl or boy tmrow if i could

[Sofi]

In my opinion, these tests aren't really that helpful. That's because gender isn't that simple. The button test, for example, asks whether you'd push a button to wake up as a cis woman or cis man... but as a trans woman, for example, you KNOW cognitively you aren't going to just magically wake up a cis woman. Some of these thought exercises reduce the trans experience to something binary - gender isn't just "man or woman", after all. You don't have to choose whether you'd wake up a girl or boy tomorrow, those aren't the only options and it's more confusing than helpful to think about it that way.

Another thing to keep in mind is that how you look physically has nothing to do with your gender. Gender expression is a separate thing and while they do often go hand-in-hand, they don't have to. Plenty of trans women have a muscular body that is perceived as "masculine", and that doesn't make them any less trans or any less of a woman. Do you think that could be some of what's happening here? Maybe you're imagining your physical frame as a muscular "man" instead of acknowledging that how you look on the outside isn't a reflection of your gender?

We have a super awesome series called Trans Summer School, I think it'd be helpful to look through it, starting with this piece: Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?
Let me know your thoughts after reading through that <3

[sadnessnbadness]

sometimes im like maybe i could be a boy and it touches my heart but in a way i dont like... idk maybe im scared of being a boy, but then i do the pronouns test and i prefer she her

[Heather]

Hey there, sadnessnbadness.

I really think that it sounds like you're using online tests for serious things when they just aren't accurate tools like that. They are generally built for entertainment, not anything actually diagnostic.

I'd suggest that instead of looking to online quizzes and tests, you just look to yourself and your own feelings. Chances are good that given your age, it may just be that you're not going to have firm answers yet when it comes to your gender or other parts of your identity, because this kind of learning about ourselves just often takes a lot more time. My best advice is that you just let yourself be who you feel like from day to day for now rather than trying to settle on anything that you think is permanent. It seems like that's causing you more stress than help, and it's not like anyone, at any age, has to make some kind of final decision about their gender identity anyway, you know? <3

[sadnessnbadness]

no i mean like pronouns like i prefer she her pronouns over he him i didnt mean test i mean i just tested that on myself really i do want to be a girl idk why i also wanna be a boy but that might just be cus i was a boy in my child hood and it reminds me of that

[Heather]

I understand, but I still think that these aren't things we can "test" for in any respect. They're just things we can feel, think about, and keep evaluating over time.

You may be right, that some of your attachment to boy-ness is your attachment to your own boyhood. But, as Sofi mentioned, the gender binary truly is something made up, not something found in nature, including in human nature. So, who knows, perhaps as time passes, what your gender might come to feel like is something that encompasses the girl-ness you feel and want with some of the boy-ness you also have an attachment to, and maybe what the surprise is will be that you don't know the gender you'll be yet, and maybe it isn't boy or girl, or maybe it's girl, but in a way that is just different from how you're envisioning it.

You said earlier that your brain is forcing you to have certain thoughts. Brains can't actually do that, but what can happen is that we can have a thought, be upset by it, and then refuse to let it go. But thoughts can't really torment us if instead of doing that, we just let those thoughts come and go without making anything of them. Like, okay, your brain is creating a thought of you as a muscly man. But you can have that thought and be like, "Yep, that's a thought," and just let it go instead of getting invested in it or assuming it means anything of consequence. I'd suggest you try doing some of that and see if you don't feel better about all of this.