will I ever get my libido back?

[divinefeminine]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years now and the first nine months I was insanely attracted to him, constantly thinking about sex with him etc. I still am, of course, but I have very strict parents who meddled in my sex life and punished me for these feelings after they went through my journals and texts with my bf. This caused me to see sex as something shameful and stressful, and as a result lowered my libido drastically. I don’t think about it as much and when my bf tries to initiate it I’m often not in the mood and get distracted very easily. It even feels like there’s a loss of sensation. When he did certain things, even just kissing me, id get those tingly feelings. Even just thinking about him would give me butterflies down low. But now it’s like I can’t get them anymore. It’s been a year since this all happened, and things have gotten a little better, we have a more active sex life and he makes me orgasm, but I still miss how I used to be, when I couldn’t think about anything other than sex while it was happening and little things would get me super in the mood. I feel like I’m doomed. I know I’m only 18 but there’s a part of me that feels like it’s always going to be this way, like my parents permanently altered the way I feel about sex. I’m so worried and feel so alone in this.

[Mo]

Hi there, divinefeminine, and welcome to Scarleteen.
I'm sorry that your parents invaded your privacy by looking at your private journals and communication; I strongly disagree with their decision to do that! It's pretty common for people to struggle with sexual desire and arousal when they're punished for sexual feelings, or told they shouldn't be having those feelings, by some authority; some people get these messages from family members, but it can come from religious or cultural messages too. If it helps to hear it: you absolutely aren't alone in being hurt by this sort of attitude about sex, and I don't think this means you're doomed or permanently "damaged" or anything like that. It sounds like you're still near the beginning of a healing process, and healing can be hard but I do think it's possible.

It sounds like you've already regained some sexual feelings and enjoyment with your partner, which I think is a hopeful sign. One thing I strongly recommend, as you're continuing to navigate your sexual relationship, is that you only engage in sexual activities you do feel pretty excited about now; if certain kinds of sex are making you feel stressed or ashamed, or you aren't getting much (or any) pleasure from them, I think it may help to set those aside for now and focus on what you do enjoy more. Pushing yourself into any sort of sex you don't have the desire for can make it harder to identify and act on that genuine desire when you do feel it returning again.

We actually have an article about sexual shame, the impact it can have, and how to work on undoing some of those shameful feelings; I think you may find it helpful: Undoing Sexual Shame.